Been a little busy

But now we're home.

Posted 7:08 PM by Licketysplit

There's no dog, but there IS a baboon!

What a big, exciting weekend. I got the Ren & Stimpy DVDs I've been coveting for so long! And then whaddya know, one of my favorite episodes was on TV for free yesterday. Rip. Big rip. Then Mr. H made me go to Linens N' Things. I guess we need things. He always wants crap like throw blankets. I ran around like a child who has slipped its leash while he evaluated thread counts. Look! They have candy! Do you see! Candy! We left with some candy. You are a true friend, Stimpy.

I'd say more (or less? since whatever I was going to say is hardly substantial. it probably has to do with food.), but I was up all night with a migraine (not related to the candy, honest). And people have started doing that mega-annoying thing where they call all our assorted phone numbers in quick succession if we don't answer right away, because clearly that will help them gain faster access to Important News. If you want Important News, try CNN. Or the Boston Globe, where they only confuse "its" and "it's" 50% of the time. The only people here are us firedogs.

Posted 11:04 AM by Licketysplit

Advice! Yes, please!

I went to meet a pediatrician this morning. I had picked the most attractive person in the practice, but she was busy, which left Miss First Runner Up. So Stunt Double presented me with a photocopied booklet with line art of a demonic teddy bear on it. I knew right then that I would die inside when I opened it. I hadn't even considered that bad graphic design might muscle in and blot out the sun. But you can't plan on some things, like nostril pimples or getting audited.

I did, however, expect a blank stare when I mentioned having the baby outside a hospital. I expected the googly eyes when I mentioned that we'd be delaying/selectively vaccinating. Check checkity check. When I got home, I read through the booklet. It had a Dos and Don'ts section, and I was all primed to see photos of anonymous people wearing fanny packs or ripped tights, but it turned out that only happens in Glamour Magazine.

Instead, I read:

"DON'T put baby face down on a waterbed."

That really hit home. I can't believe I was planning on storing her that way. The more you know.... ding DING dee....

Then the business card fell out. COMIC SANS. Hi, hi!

I am just not taking the parasite to the doctor, ever. There's nothing a little colloidal silver and homemade Botox can't fix, right?

Posted 10:03 AM by Licketysplit

Why is a cat stuffed in a Canali suit?

A: She wants to host a gameshow
A: She has an irrational grudge against Hugo Boss because of an imagined slight
A: Once a cat goes I-talian, she can't be happy sitting on American clothes again
A: All the suits are on the couch because the guts of the closet are ripped out thanks to EasyCloset.com not being as easy as alleged

Any of these would be OK and reasonable answers, relevant to life as we know it.

In other news, I have a giant scary-looking envelope from the IRS that I do not wish to open. I can't wait until the parasite gets here. She'll open my mail and learn to run the fax machine. It'll be a regular Dickensian workhouse around here.

Excuse me, a cat looks totally stupid in a cashmere sweater. Mr. H's clothes are much nicer than mine since he gets to leave the house sometimes, and I am secretly jealous. So I will let her continue wallowing around in there. I see nothing!

Posted 10:40 AM by Licketysplit

Oh God, I am so weary of opening proxy envelopes. How did you know?

Today my checking acccount contains $664.44*. So darn close to beastliness. Clearly Mr. H did not get the Satanic Memo when he made that ill-considered ATM withdrawal yesterday. Learn some of the math, fucko!

People are all "So watcha gonna do if yer baby is born on SIX SIX SIX?" And I'm all "Yell and grunt, probably?" Mr. H pointed out that we live in the United States of Wackistan, and there must be some Fred Phelps-type groups fixin' to pitchfork all children born on this date until they fly up to Jesus. But don't they have some gay, gay marriages to worry about? We decided that if that feeble election year federal thing passes, we'll get divorced. Yay! I always knew I'd make a good divorcee.

In other devilry, it's my sister-in-law's birthday. That's really my number one (foam finger!) reason for wanting to avoid having the parasite today. It's her "special day." Yes, there are adults out there who care about birthdays. I didn't know, honest. I have to go scrounge up an e-card.

My future ex-husband is making me eggs. BRB!!!!!!!!

*Yes, we're poor. All the bills come out in the first half of the month! The second half of the month is spent replenishing the room full of cocaine.

Posted 9:30 AM by Licketysplit

It's like Ed Norton decorated our bathroom

That's an IKEA joke. Badum. I would punch Ed Norton too.

Note to greater universe: calling or emailing me every day does not make the parasite come out any faster. In fact, each contact initiation adds one day before I will actually tell you any news at all. Three days if the email also contains a lame forward, be it a prayer, recipe (I have a really hard time believing you went and bought fish sauce, Betty Lunchbucket), or "word find" titled "My Mommy and Me are Best Friends." In fact, that gets you put on the auto-bounce list. Dead to me!

Mr. H is standing around yelling "screws!" There are several thousand of them dumped on the table, but none of them are the right ones. This is also Ed Norton's fault.

I have to go putty something.

Posted 12:47 PM by Licketysplit

Can I get some unnecessary antibiotics with that condescension?

The other day I made the big, huge, giant mistake of calling my parents to let them know we moved back into our house after a soggy two-week vacation in crapsville. I see now that I missed my chance to disappear forever, but live and learn. In passing, I complained to my mother about my aunt's religious forwards, and I left instructions to never give my email address to anyone again, unless that person can prove he needs to contact me to award a genius grant. I mentioned my aunt's helpful recitation about her grandson's neck fold infections, and my mom ran with that. "Those kids have been on constant antibiotics, it's no wonder!"

Wait. A tick. I seem to recall getting dragged to the doctorin' hut (a walk-in clinic, we never had real doctors) for antibiotics for even a hint of a cold, or possibly seasonal allergies. Dr. Nick would protest "Is virus, no antibiotics," but my mother would snort like a bull and cross her arms, and we'd leave with amoxicillin anyway. No thermal print out on the care of a sore throat involving mere salt water would be enough for her. Then we'd stop the antibiotics as soon as we felt better, and she'd give us the leftovers on the next cold. I think that's the definition of how not to take antibiotics, unless perhaps you are also procuring your antibiotics from someone who runs the donkey show in Tijuana.

And let's not forget the entire year I took tetracycline for acne when I was about thirteen. It never worked, and years later I found out that this was probably because my mom fed it to me each morning with a Carnation Instant Breakfast. She's always been big on the "you have to eat breakfast" concept, although it's perfectly OK if breakfast is a Little Debbie snack cake, purchased from the day old store. "As long as you have it with milk, for protein." Whaddya know, dairy interferes with absorption. If you read the pharmacy label, you find things out sometimes.

I think I've taken antibiotics about four times in the last ten years, once I was left to arrange my own medical care.

On the flip side, my dad is now so paranoid about "Big Pharma" that he makes his own colloidal silver with a laser from a kit he bought on the internet. He attributes only daily colloidal silver consumption to his continued lack of death. Colloidal silver is a "natural antibiotic." It can also turn you blue, but not according to his internet crackpot counter research.

But my mom stood her ground, and told me how babies always need antibiotics for a cold because of "secondary infections in their delicate little passages." I mentioned that one of my annoying pediatrician interview questions was "Under what circumstances do you prescribe antibiotics," and how I would rather not see someone who used them for the sniffles. This enraged her, and I got off the phone after that. Well, there was a diatribe about a conspiracy at her periodontist's office, but I managed to think "meow meow meow meow" through most of that.

Today I finally got around to calling pediatricians. I got scoffed at for being "too close to my due date" to ask questions. I asked "So you mean my baby just doesn't need a pediatrician then?" No, no, we just thought we'd berate you before making an appointment for an interview. I said "Fine, just assign me to the most attractive person in the practice, and I'll call you once the baby's here." Then I called the next place. Same drill. Finally, I realized I was dealing with biddies, so I mentioned that I meant to do this sooner, but our house flooded. That was just the sympathy vote I needed, apparently. I'm all set up with Dr. Hot. If I'm going to have to listen to crappy mainstream parenting advice, it might as well be from someone incredibly comely.

Posted 11:59 AM by Licketysplit