oh, hi

Who that man? What that man doin'? Oh, it Brock Omama. I like him Brock Omama.

Posted 9:47 AM by Licketysplit

I can't remember the worst December

Oh, sure I can! It's a tie between December 1995, 2000, 2004, or 2008! And where there's December, there's January. Comminagetcha!

OK, I'm going to go make pudding and then skate around on the ice shelf on top of my car.

Posted 2:23 PM by Licketysplit

This the kinda of shit that you bump to get drunk to

I dunno, my baser instincts suggest I make jokes about how National Buy Nothing Day will be pretty easy for so many more Americans this year, but that is so wrong. It's not nice. I like buying stuff and so do you! May we all take advantage of deep discounts on melamine-free items.

I was just saying to my moosie relation, who may or not be writing on her personal internet homepage again, that ....uh what the hell was I saying. Let me ask, er, review the logs. Yes, OK. I am seeing way more straight up gratitude posts today versus the usual smallpox blanket jokes. This must be a function of a bad economy, like hemlines getting longer. I beg to differ on that point in the article about people cutting their hair shorter when the market drops. Their cuts must not top a c-note. Me, I am growing mine out, and it looks fantastic. I still go every 6 weeks, though, because who wants split ends? It's not the apocalypse.

This year, I am thankful that I played a twenty minute command drum solo on a Wednesday morning instead of going to a real job (I worked last week, so I am off the hook til I get the urge to buy stuff again). I am grateful that my child is a brilliant little beast, even if it means she is going to come up with shit even I never fathomed when she is a teenager. I am pleased that Mr. H got a job with a mere twenty minute commute. I am pleased I did not throw up today, despite initial leanings (seriously, WTF is wrong with me). A Cat did not throw up and only bit me two or four times. So much is right, right, right, despite living on an Indian Burial Ground. I mean, it's sort of like living in a giant fridge box, but with climate control and indoor plumbing. Those things are OK by me. I am thankful to be Facebook friends with YOU! I am thankful my sister never got a Taz tattoo, you betcha. Hey, my kid hasn't bothered me in ten minutes, and I have to go see about that. I am thankful she can't reach the knife block. Yet.

Posted 4:16 PM by Licketysplit

Trouble Loves Me

I woke up on election day wide awake, thinking "I get to vote!" Normally I laze about as long as possible, cramming a pillow over my head to drown out the little creatures and their pesky whining for food. Learn to work a can opener. Bootstraps and all. But damn, do I love voting. All the ballot questions even went my way for a change. I love paying taxes, love pot, and hate people with jobs. My sister hates the schools, but her question lost. Have fun with the slaaaaaahts.

Yesterday, I woke up, and my first thought was "Barack Obama is going to be the president." What an amazing feeling. Whenever something went wrong, and many things did go wrong yesterday, I thought of that.

I took the whinier of the two little creatures out to buy newspapers, and there was not a single Times to be found in my town. They don't hold with fancy walking around here. These sidewalks are for regular walking. I got one Boston Globe, the local rag, and a Boston Herald (headline: "O baby"). Keep it classy, world.

Then I was struck down with a pestilence. Either that or my body is purging the last eight years like one of those "as seen on TV" cleanses. I got verklempt during the speeches on election night, of course, but everything did not really hit me until I found myself bawling in the shower yesterday morning. This arresting image popped into my head, and all was lost. Maybe it's only arresting if you have a small human of the same age, but surely you can project a bit.

I ended up with a full-blown migraine, even making good on the vomitola. I lurch and spew for you! I spent the rest of the day and night draped over various soft surfaces, moaning and swatting away the child trying to climb on me. There was sitcom-style drama with Mr. H attempting to bring an ex-girlfriend home for dinner. Nothing against her, I'd just prefer to not be encrusted in my own filth when I host! Called a friend in Virginia to hear tales of "I thought it was called the WHITE house, hur hur hur," from her co-workers. Some say the best way to diffuse a racist joke is to play dumb, so I don't get it. What does that mean? Can you be more specific? I'm sorry, I still don't understand. Why is that funny?

Anyway, my head still hurts today, and I seem to have blown through all the expired vicodin. Maybe the pain is something to do with those 55 million folks who thought it would be OK to have Sarah Palin next in line to run the country. Maybe I am channeling the angst of people thrown in jail indefinitely without a trial. I nunno!

Also: WTF, California, Arkansas, Arizona, and Florida. Especially Arkansas, actually. We get to hear all this pap about how gay couples can enjoy all the same legal rights as a married couple with a little finagling, but now they can't adopt children?
At least Connecticut gets a pat on the back for dissing Question 1, plus chasing the last Republican in Congress out of New England. Lotta work to do out there. I'll be the one in dark glasses, whimpering softly.

Posted 9:33 AM by Licketysplit

I Have Forgiven Jesus

Abba gabba gabba. Eeeba deeedle dabba.

Well, we ranted, we donated, we nagged, we discovered Morrissey song titles apply to any electoral situation, and we even knew the name of the Prime Minister of Canada. I don't know what's left, besides setting a trash can on fire and tipping a car. I am in shock. OK, Sarah, keep moving. Do not stop at the microphone. Nope! There we go. And never, ever make fun of community organizers again. Ah, you feel me.

Ankles aloft, mes amis! I need a hanky and a can of champagne! We will see you in the future when all's well.

Posted 11:18 PM by Licketysplit

I Want the One I Can't Have



I was practicing folksy cussing in case I need it (Shitwickets! Twattarnit! Bullfumbles! There is an elbow gesture that goes with these.). But I am cautiously optimistic that I won't really need to deploy this.

Fox News is going out on a limb and calling Ohio for McCain, despite everyone else, um, not. ABC just called it for Obama. I am holding out for open, unguarded weeping once we work through merely crotchety. Oh, the Fox News website just recanted. It is hard to be you, Fox News! There is a word for what is happening to you. Wait, it will come to me.

Should I photoshop little Obama heads on all the blue states and Morrissey heads on the red ones? Y/N before I drink more.

Posted 9:24 PM by Licketysplit

Let the Right One Slip In



We break from chewing on our nails for a "man on the street" interview with our own Lambchop.



"You got a donut??? Damn, I would have liked one of those! I would have voted for sanctity of life or marriage or fetal minimum wage for an old fashioned."

Here she is, enjoying a free cone. Don't worry, Monchichi! You can still make the rounds. In fact, you can do it even if you don't vote! I am fairly sure she hadn't even voted yet when this photo was taken. It also appears to have been taken in Italy, and there's got to be something illegal about that. What would Karl Rove say about this?

In actual news, Obama appears to be leading in Indiana, with 0.0000435237384% of the polls reporting. Mr. H is on his way home with a brown paper sack full of refreshment.

Posted 6:38 PM by Licketysplit

Well I wonder




I know you all tuned in to see just what Morrissey thinks of these elections. Well, our crack team has uncovered rare footage.



In the next frame (not pictured), he walked offstage with Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, and Dick Cheney and hatched a plot to dispatch Joe Biden swiftly. Good luck with that. Our Joe takes the train. He is wise to shenanigans. I bet he sits in the same seat every time, and heaven help you if you try to plant your ass on his workingman's fief.

Now, be ye mindful: Morrissey also endorsed John Kerry in 2004, and look how that turned out. However, Lambchop writes in from her position at the desk to mention that the Pittsburgh Steelers demonstrated great oracular power in trouncing the Redskins on Monday night. 23-6! Ooooooh. That's bad like losing your home state bad (AL GORE). Clearly this means curtains for the incumbent party.

Or is it: Vincent Rossmeier of Salon reminds us "After the Green Bay Packers beat the Redskins in 2004, thus supposedly ensuring an election victory for John Kerry, Packers safety Darren Sharper, a Kerry supporter, said of his candidate, "Oh, yeah, he's going to win. It's guaranteed. I don't have to vote now. Don't even have to go to the polls. Saved me a trip on Tuesday.""

I think this might have been our problem in 2004. We forgot to vote! Lambchop and I got in a makeup application contest, and those never end well. But today I voted, you betcha. I have been having paranoid fantasies that I filled in the wrong oval, but I was very good at the SATs, so this is somewhat unlikely.

We will return after covering a tense stand-off on the home front. 50% of this household refuses to put on pants. It's getting cold. Jesus, just put them on.

Posted 4:27 PM by Licketysplit

Damn it feels good to be a gangster



Oh, uh uh, oh no we di'n't. It's time for Vomitola election coverage! You may recall that election day 2004 started off seemingly humdrum and ended with a vicious clash between the Morrisseys and Adam and the Ants (start reading from the bottom up. we can't have nice things). We hit some dead air later that night around Ohio, and man, were we hung over the next day. We may be hungover tomorrow, but I pray it is a hangover of joy.

We're reusing the graphic, but that's only because we are poor. It has nothing to do with environmentalism. That's for sissies like Al Gore.

I managed to vote bright and early, and the good ol' Masonic Temple was packed. Everyone casually dropped mention of how ready they were for CHANGE, and how we NEED it without directly saying OBAMA RULES. Why are people so afraid to say "Suck it, you culture warring freaks, not this time?" You still get free Starbucks and Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry's even if you let your true Socialist-mandating nature fly free. Although Mr. H reports from the field that riots may occur at Starbucks because people cannot understand why they only get free drip coffee and not grande lattes. What was I saying yesterday about running into doors?

Posted 2:20 PM by Licketysplit

You know what? Just no. I'm going the hell home.

Yeah, blah blah blah, everyone should vote. Important, historic, your voice, bleebity blee. However, if you are undecided a day before the election, just stay home! What are the odds that you can turn the door knob successfully, anyway? Do not get all eenie meanie on us. Please use your political voice for something besides gargling in front of the bathroom mirror. No, scratch that, even gargling has a point.

The Kevin Sheen featured in this article has got to be a proud under-bridge dwelling American. I can see no other explanation for ""I'm actually still wrestling with moral issues," says the 29-year-old registered Democrat, who voted for George W. Bush in 2004."

Sheen, of Lincoln, Nebraska, says his vote is coming down to one issue: abortion. Sheen says he's "definitely pro-life" and he's trying to decide whether Democrat Barack Obama or Republican John McCain is more in line with his views.

Yeah, OK, it's funny to jerk CNN around, troll pants, I'll give you that. Earlier I made a Bob Barr voter feel bad about not having the balls to write in Ron Paul. I'm no angel. If this guy is not a troll, then I need to speak with his parents and every school he ever attended. I need to find a very important YouTube clip for this troubled young man.

And there is no way I am going to click on "Watch the psychology behind undecided voters." I have the answer already. Dropped on head as child. I see the future! And it's full of people running into doors, falling down, and doing it all over again. Maybe wire mother will be nicer to me this time!

In short: conservatives are paranoid that someone is out to get them (and then give their TV to a shiftless non-white teen mother), and liberals feel everyone else must be incredibly stupid. Gonna go lie down.

Posted 5:01 PM by Licketysplit

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind

After much prayer and consideration (used a cootie catcher), I realize that now is the time to speak up for principle, for the one man who can oppose the lunatic New World Order. For that reason, I encourage you all to write in Ron Paul tomorrow.

Oh, I kill me. Go on, Google "lunatic New World Order." But I did dream about exploding building all night last night. I was in a high rise looking down while watching bombs fall in what was supposed to be New York but looked way more like Chicago. It was rather stressful, and between that and a child's non-observance of "Fall Back," I am on my last fraying nerve today. Let it be Wednesday morning already?

I mean, whoa, stuff be scary. There are McCain-Palin signs in Massachusetts! We skipped all those houses while trick-or-treating. I do not want their pizen candy! It is bad enough that I made the tone deaf mistake of dressing my kid in an elephant costume. What was I thinking?

There is even a McCain-Palin sign on the lawn next to our Democrat state rep's house. Now, the rep has a bigger flag, so I see who wins this round. How does he refrain from getting up at 4 a.m. every day to go piss on that sign? Come to think of it, the grass was rather brown around the sign. We took pictures of ourselves being terrified by the sign. That sign was the scariest thing I saw all night, by a mile. The dad driving his kid from house to house was a close second. If you're for McCain, fine, whatever. I could buy that we'd have done better under McCain than GWB had 2000 gone another way, but Palin? Really? America? You there? Don't they make yard signs without her name on them?

I'll be working on perfecting a macaroni and cheese recipe that is also fortified with benzodiazepines if you need me. I'm gonna be rich. I also have to call HAARP and have them engineer a ridiculous blizzard over Western Pennsylvania and selected parts of Florida. Don't forget, me!!!!

Posted 12:57 PM by Licketysplit

Now is not the time to experiment with teh dumb

Whoa, is that stabbing pain behind my collar bone, sort of in my chestal-throatal region a harbinger of a blood clot from my birth control pill, or is it just the first tickle of the rapture? Could it be due to my all-cake diet of the past week? Little bit stressful 'round these parts, let's leave it at that.

I actually got a robocall from the McBain campaign last night. Me, little ol' me! Did they not realize that I live in useless, useless Massachusetts and have a fine public record of only contributing to the slimiest liberals I can find? I do agree that the Democrats could have come up with a better slogan than "Country, ehhhh, maybe." But I draw the line at air quotes anywhere near the topic of women's health, dontcha know, gosh golly whangdoodle.

At any rate, I am happy to let the RNC waste money on me. I am not sure who signed me up, but now I get all the GOP mailings. Confidential to the person I signed up for NAMBLA: if it was you who signed me up as revenge, ha, I'm still glad I did it!

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my link so far! I keep forgetting to shill this up, so this is a miracle.


I think Obama should use the rest of his money to buy up the rest of "Scrubs" airtime for the rest of the forseeable future. I don't really care what he puts on in its place. Anything Ron Popeil-related would be fine.

Confidential to Joe the Plumber: we already *have* tax brackets, no? So yes, you were already going to pay more than someone who makes half of what you make. Life is difficult. Sure, I don't like paying 35% myself, but I do like all the other awesome stuff that comes with making tons and tons of money*. IDK, IDGAF.

*I'm just role-playing. I don't actually pay taxes thanks to a sinister network of clever nooks and crannies. Gold in my yard.

Posted 12:27 PM by Licketysplit