Faith, hope, charity, murder

I have a stupid. Ostensibly, I trained this stupid to do something marginally complicated a few weeks ago. The stupid was hired by my client due to professing knowledge in the technology selected for Project X. At the training hand-off, stupid again reiterated vast expertise. I said "Oh, that's wonderful. Would you like to do the navigating in the tool while I run through the presentation?" I was thinking "Score, this is going to go so much faster." Stupid declined, clearly not wanting to show off.

I went through the training exercise, and stupid frequently interjected "OH, that's not how it used to be when I last used this FIVE YEARS AGO" or "THIS looks DIFFERENT!" Stupid sometimes asked stupid questions. I think my favorite was "Why does the company that sells this technology use proprietary markup?"

At the end of the session, I handed over a quick help document I'd written to cover troubleshooting, the manual to the technology, and all the support numbers for the company that makes the technology. I told stupid that the quickest answers would always be found in the documentation, and I was not available for continuing support per the contract the client had selected.

So far, stupid has called Actual Support several times, each time providing incorrect descriptions of the problem stupid created. Support tells stupid something that would work for what stupid actually described. The solution then doesn't work, since stupid was wrong in the first place. Stupid then calls me. I screen stupid's calls. So stupid pecks out an email, usually including a hilarious take on what the problem might be. These have ranged from "Maybe I need to clear my cache" to "Do you think the time change had anything to do with X not working?"

The answer to stupid's problem is invariably the first thing I wrote in the quick help document, IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS RIGHT AT THE TOP.

I have another pleading email sitting in front of me right now. Instead of cutting and pasting the section IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS yet again, I think I am going to cc stupid's boss and tell her that stupid must have broken the flux capacitor. There is nothing to be done in the case of a busted flux capacitor. They're going to have to close up shop and go home. Sucks huh.

Posted 1:20 PM by Licketysplit

Uthless People

Hello, Internet, hello. Last weekend I took a detour through Boringsville. The main export is bladder spasms and strong antibiotics. While there, we also managed to shop for furniture for the parasite. We actually purchased nothing. Was it because the salesman loomed over us and made disparaging remarks about the one thing we liked? We found that odd, but we've never let a hick stand between us and Swedish things that are expensive. No, when we walked out, I read the establishment's slogan on the delivery truck. "Making things easier for Mom's." Something something. You can totally see where I tuned out and started muttering. Dead to me!

Posted 8:32 AM by Licketysplit

Let's pretend

Let's say that there is a lady who runs out of checks. She is a beautiful and kind lady. She has very healthy teeth. Full disclosure: she could use a pedicure. Anyway, this lady says "Hmm, I am out of checks. Although most of my bills are paid electronically, this could pose a problem." She calls the check ordering company. They assure her that her checks will be there in a few days. They are not. So she calls back and complains. They blame DHL. DHL has never heard of these checks. So the lady waits a few more days, and then the lady has to pay her fucking federal taxes and quarterly taxes with money orders, like poor people. The lady waited til the last possible minute to get the cursed money orders, hoping against hope that DHL would come through. The lady comes home from mailing the money orders (which cost $3 each because she does not have a GOLD account). "Look," says the friendly three-legged dog. There is a package from DHL! On the steps!

In other news, the teller at the bank thinks the parasite will be HUGE. The dry cleaning lady thinks the parasite will be TINY. Either I am a compulsive overreater, or I am starving the parasite. I can't be sure. I should have gotten a third opinion from the grocery checker, but she was too busy drawing me in to a conversation on whether or not that was Eva Longoria on the cover of Scientific American. I asserted that it was. Because it was, and it also said "Eva Longoria" under the picture. She felt that Eva normally does not wear so much eye makeup, nor does she traffic in straightened hair. The bagger finally convinced her, and she mentioned that we could all change our looks so frequently if we had as much money as Eva. Damn the system. Some of us are just stuck being ugly.

Posted 3:45 PM by Licketysplit

Step away from the internet

"Any impute would be great."

It would, wouldn't it?

The condo management reminds us "owner's" not to have any "boistarous" parties. Also, they approved that I live with a cat. The cat has lived in the building for almost three months now, as an illegal immigrant. To get approved, we initially had to submit a photo of the cat "clearly showing facial area," a copy of her shot records, and a list of her turn ons and turn offs. Then a month or two later, they decided they would also like a copy of our personal property insurance policy. Never ye mind that this only covers OUR SHIT. The master policy for the building covers everything else. But it's OK, and now I have permission to harbor a cat, and the cat has permission to mess up our shit as much as she sees fit.

I told her she was approved. She still doesn't care to come out from behind the washing machine, because the upholsterer was here for about thirty seconds to attend to a blight upon the ottoman. This is traumatic for a cat, apparently. I think she's stuck back there. It was traumatic for me in that he also told me the story of the Great Fire that occurred on this property some years back. Lo, the townspeople came and watched. I knew all about this because Mr. H was townspeople who watched. Maybe Mr. H stood somewhere near the upholsterer. Barrrrring. Move along.

Now someone outside is yelling "YEAH BABY," Austin-Powers-style. I am totally liveblogging. I hate you too.

Posted 2:36 PM by Licketysplit

The "financial consultant" is dead to me

Or he will be, if I ever see him again. He just called and tried to weasel himself a visit to stop by and take life insurance applications. I asked if he could give us a quote, and who the company would be, and he wouldn't tell me. I said that I couldn't make an appointment without knowing these things, and he asked why. I said "We aren't sure we want to use your services at all." Suddenly, he had quotes for me. "Was that so hard," I asked?

When he asked to speak to my husband instead, the top of my head came off. My brain rocketed out of my skull, like the crust of Mount Vesuvius. I woke up on the kitchen floor, drooling, brains impastoed on the front of the stainless appliances. I clawed desperately for the phone to call 911, but he was still on the other end, trying to distract me by changing the subject to whether I enjoy nice weather. I heard a coffee drink order being screeched in the background. That can only mean that this fucker is one of those fuckers who works out of a Starbucks! Fucker.

I slammed down the phone and scooped up my brains as best I could. Then I went online and found the same policy he was trying to sell me for less. Was that so hard?

Posted 3:07 PM by Licketysplit

If you need me, I'll be in the bell tower

I am trying to book a hotel room, and I'm really tempted to book the "Housewives on Hiatus" package just for the stupid name.

A better idea is probably to check into a monastery with a vow of silence until the baby arrives. Then I will have the baby out in the woods, like animal, away from everyone who annoys me. At this point, "everyone who annoys me" includes just about everyone but the cat. It's no fault of everyone's own. Science knows that weeks 31-40 of parasite hosting are when husbands become intolerable. They can't help it, the dear little creatures! It's the hormones acting on their delicate systems.

Despite being all Phantom of the Opera and hissing and scurrying into darkness, I still manage to show some restraint. When I think of all the people I did NOT kill over the past few days, I am truly amazed. The person at Starbucks who ordered a half-caf, half-syrup, skim caramel macchiato with one Equal. The financial consultant. This freak was referred to us by my brother-in-law (remind me to send a card). He assumed I was a housewife rather than asking the more reasonable "And what do you do for a living?" Oh, hey, do you see those many thousands of dollars of computer equipment in the office? That's just so I can play The Sims when I take a hiatus from housewifing.

He directed all questions about investments and expenses to Mr. H. Mr. H knows about as much about where the bodies are buried as the cat. So I kept having to answer. The parasite sensed evil, and kicked the ever-loving crap out of me the whole time the guy was here. When he tried telling me about fund choices, I asked about ethical investing options. He looked at me like I was insane. I said "Well, for instance there are some companies we don't patronize, so I can't feel good about making money from them either." He asked for an example, and I said Wal-Mart, I mean duh. He was shocked. "Wal-Mart? I never heard anything about them being bad." I booted him out the door, but not before he left business cards containing both a Hotmail address and his "title" in "quotes." If he's not a "Wealth-Accumulation-Strategist," then what is he? I have formulated several hypotheses, but the one that makes the most sense is "Not coming anywhere near my no money."

Posted 9:40 AM by Licketysplit

Explanation of Benefits

Someone always wants my damn money. Apparently I had $192 of lab work done once. The insurance plan went from "Great, go to the doctor all you want, you beautiful hypochondriac" to "You have a $2,500 deductible." I think the lab work was the "Is the baby a mutant?" test. Would I have gotten my money back if she were?

My Worst Elm order came today, and dang was that a production. They pack huge, cumbersome things in one box, even though that box contains pieces. But five curtain rods come in five separate boxes. Oh yeah. In the lobby, the UPS man got scared by a three-legged dog of my acquaintance. Who's a pretty girl!! "Dogs hate the uniform," he explained. Then we entertained the notion to heave the huge boxes through the window instead. We do not trifle with doors and walking long distances. We care not for hassle nor friendly dogs.

Now I have to go to the accountant to pay more money. Tomorrow a financial planner is coming over to tell us what to do with our no money. I hope he remembers to bring the glitter putty. I can't financially plan without it. I am not making him any fucking coffee. He can walk over to Top Donut if he wants a coffee.

Posted 12:11 PM by Licketysplit

We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

Today in hydration: I drank a lot of water.

I am also procrastinating.

This intarweb jimcrack is probably old news that I somehow missed, but I'm really into Pandora right now. You choose a song or an artist, and the player cross-references the musical elements to other artists and serves up streaming content based on the findings of the Music Genome Project. You can rate things that are played for you, and it gets "smarter" with more ratings. So far I haven't found anything brand new that I love, but it certainly churns up some good things I don't regularly play. Not to mention things that languish in my unpacked boxes of non-ripped CDs. My Morrissey station is so mope-tastic!

Posted 2:04 PM by Licketysplit

More human every day

We have a table! No more hunkering on the couch with our gruel. Eat at table, like people. The table weighs several hundred pounds, and it arrived on the roof of a car because SOMEONE thought this would be easier then paying a paltry sum for delivery. I prefer to pay other people to do difficult things for me. Me hates hassle. I cooked SOMEONE and his father wheat pasta with many different kinds of chard to stave off the heart attacks they nearly sustained lugging that thing down the hall.

Today in teeth: I went to the dentist, and this has already been the most pleasant part of the day. I do enjoy Russian dentist. He hums, and I fall asleep. He told me the parasite would become very interesting around the age of 3. I said that sounds about right. Is there a farm I can send it to until then? Somewhere out in the country with lots of other parasites to play with.

Today in cats: Just because you didn't like hummus the last 17,000 times you sniffed it doesn't mean this time won't be different. It's called hope, or possibly Walnut Brain.

Posted 10:52 AM by Licketysplit