Cats can't fax for crap

But they can eat the hell out of some tulips. Oh! Oh! They are up too high for you to reach? Why don't you yell about it and look wistful?

It's OK, cat, I can't fax either, and I have thumbs. I put that shit in upside down yesterday. Ghost fax! Casper the friendly blank seven pages.

I shouldn't be allowed around machinery at this stage of my endumbenment. I am losing a battle with the battery in this laptop.

The condo management continues to send illiterate emails. My favorite: "All owner's whom wish to rent out their unit must get a 6D certificate."

Now I'm working on my to-don't list. There is dumb stuff on this list that I am supposed to do but will leave til the last minute. Do you have to buy cards for First Communions? I think so, but the bodega only has Quinceanera cards (now I know someone is going to be an asshole and leave a pithy comment about Quinceanera that is sure to include a proper n-yay. will it be you? yeah, you thought about it).

Mr. H has jury duty today, so I had to drive poor Dagwood to the butt-earliest train. Turns out the methadone clinic down the block is open much, much earlier than I thought! Did you get that I live in a bad neighborhood? There is a bell outside, and it's ringing ringing ringing. I think "they" are testing an alarm. I get it. I'm alarmed.

Posted 8:00 AM by Licketysplit

And a good time was had by all

We have floors! And baseboards, like people! No more sod house for us, Nelly Olson. You bitch. The contractor finished this morning, and he proclaimed that the entire job looks "the balls." He left me with some noxious chemicals for cleaning, and I left him with an oversized novelty check. Then I determined that he wants a website, so I will get my grubby paws on some of that money again, mark my words. Give each other $20.

Posted 10:44 AM by Licketysplit

It's not a crack house, it's a crack home

Mr. H and I had a lovely weekend a few states away. Despite the supreme foolishness of bringing helpless life into the world and blowing out an entire wall of poorly wired outlets with a table saw, we still like each other. I trust this is because no one else will have us.

We sat and stared at boats swimming around being boats, and we realized that we are terrible, terrible people with mostly self-created problems. Ah, we already knew that. But it's nice to sit and reflect, isn't it? Then we went and had ice cream since I get dirty looks when I order whiskey. The people at Coldstone Creamery have to sing when they get a tip. That may be a worse problem than some of our stupid problems.

Posted 1:01 PM by Licketysplit

Eloise

This week, we're living in a hotel. I could get into that, what with the room cleaning itself and lackluster food just appearing by magic. I just wish it were a nicer hotel. Maybe the kind with $15 nuts in the mini bar. That would be great. Instead, we have a view of all the old bicycles and shopping carts in the partially drained canal that runs by the community college.

The cat is being traumatized at Casa de la Carpeted Kitchen, Mr. H's ancestral abode. She tolerates Mumpo (two-year-old), who gets so excited that he wrings his hands and sighs "Kitty!" everytime he sees her. He's pretty funny these days. He runs around with his arms bent and his fists clenched, kind of like Foghorn Leghorn. He has a real sense of purpose for someone with nothing to do.

Anyway, I think we can go home tomorrow if the fumes dissipate. That's good since I'm all caught up on my USAToday. I learned that Wal-Mart is trying to lure upscale shoppers. Mkay. I would just love to buy my sushi from Wal-Mart. I really hope it's made with dirt cheap Chilean salmon farmed in an environmentally predatory manner and processed by workers who don't get bathroom breaks. But then again, when Wal-Mart thinks of a "well-heeled customer," perhaps they are thinking of the person with the largest SUV. That person probably also enjoys shopping for fine jewelry from a case stocked by a polo-shirted worker with no health insurance. Not me, no sir. I prefer choosing my blood diamonds with the help of a man wearing a natty suit. It helps if he looks a bit like Hector Elizondo.

I hope the workmen did not eat all of my snacks, or the painkillers I've been saving. Remind me never to try to improve my surroundings again.

Posted 11:32 AM by Licketysplit

Of all the things to think about, I think about a sandwich I don't even have

This sandwich would be sharp cheddar cheese with sliced tomato and alfalfa sprouts. There should be mayonaise on both pieces of the bread, which should be whole wheat with extra jagged bits.

Hi, internet, hi! Did you hear that? It's the End of the Day Alarm. Whoop, whoop, whoop.

Posted 5:42 PM by Licketysplit

Will live in house, like people

Today is cat horrifying day at long last! She's still stuffed in the corner sulking because the contractor and his team dropped off the wood for our floors so it can "acclimate." Wait 'til she gets to go stay in Mr. H's parents' basement with the rats next week.

The workers helpfully commented in Spanish that I am pregnant, and my breasts are quite large. I have only studied Spanish for ten or twelve years, but I think I heard that right. Still, they were so jovial about it that it didn't seem to be as awful a sentiment as it sounds. They are merely observers of the world, undocumented Walter Cronkites.

And they are dead wrong. I am not pregnant, I just ate a lot of Cadbury Mini Eggs last week. Those bitches will catch up to ya. And I like to dress like a milkmaid for fun. And I'm going to birth class tonight because I dig seeing cankles.

Posted 2:37 PM by Licketysplit

Putting the fun back in funeral

I called my parents yesterday since I hadn't talked to crazy in a while, and my dad answered. He always sounds guilty when he picks up, as if he's been rudely called away from dismembering a hooker. He said he was just finishing up manufacturing a batch of colloidal silver. Yes, at home, with lasers! Learned on internet! Can't even talk about it!

I said "OK, that's great, is Mom around?" He said she was sleeping, and we talked about the murderous dog, how fat the cat is, and all the rotten things the neighbors do. Somehow we got on the topic of bad news, and he said "Speaking of receiving bad news, how would you feel if your mother died, and I just had her cremated and told everyone later?" I said he should probably consult her prior to her death to see if she has any feelings on this topic. He said "Well, she would want a memorial, but I don't want to see her relatives." He's right, of course, I don't want to see them either. They are terrible. I said I would prefer to be notified in advance of the cremation, and he said "What, so you'd have to drop everything and fly down?"

I asked if he might want support from his children after losing his wife, and he felt sure that he would not. I said that if he'd sweeten the pot and have the dog cremated along with her, that would make it worth my time for a visit. So we left plans along the lines of handling the death of pharaoh, where the household goes too. He's going to be so disappointed when I don't agree to club him and burn the house down at the last minute. That house is paid in full; there's no way I'd burn it down.

When I got off the phone, he said he'd have my mother call back later. She never did, and then I started to wonder if he'd been hinting around the whole time. I told Mr. H, and he thought about it, and we agreed we wouldn't put it past him. But she emailed me this morning, apparently alive. I told her she might want to make a will and give me a copy if she wanted anything fancier than being put in a paper bag and set in the mirrored fireplace. Of course this is a useless argument if he's just impersonating her, and she's tucked in the guest room, A Rose for Emily-style.

Posted 10:36 AM by Licketysplit

Membership has its privileges

Yesterday I got out of a ticket for speeding through Cow Town*, NH, with the "I have to pee!" excuse. Do give that a whirl! If you aren't suffering from quick-onset obesity like I am, just slouch and tenderly pat your abdomen. Fucking breeders.

After escaping the law, I was glued to a story on NPR about organ brokers and illegal tissue harvesting. Finally, the profession for me! I've always wanted to be a surgeon, but this would allow me to skirt the pesky medical degree. I could do it from a home office. I've toyed with the idea of hanging out my illegal cosmetic surgery shingle, but who likes seeing how sausage is made?

Although I'm glad I haven't had any recent illegal and unscreened tissue implants. I do feel bad for poor Alistair Cooke's family though. I used to love me some Masterpiece Theatre when I was a kid. And, oh hell, the families of other less-famous people too. And the unsuspecting people who received potentially contaminated tissue.

Annie Cheney was on the program discussing her book Body Brokers: Inside America's Underground Trade in Human Remains (excerpt). Among other interesting facts, the hotel ballroom where you are having your wedding reception may have recently hosted a hands-on seminar for doctors, meaning a bunch of torsos or ankles might have been laid out around the room for surgical training or product demos.

Over dinner, I told Mr. H that he is 100% allowed to donate any of my organs, and that he may sell the rest or donate it to science as he pleases. Or have me stuffed and mounted over the fireplace or posed in lingerie. I honestly don't care. I'll be dead. I think part of the problem is that people aren't allowed to just sell their own loved ones. Eliminate the middle man of the shady funeral home, and let people seize commerce as they see fit. No touchy the folks who don't want to be recycled. Then regulate the shit out of the whole deal to avoid implanting diseased tissue. Someone's already making money on this, so why not just make it legal and cap the profit margin? Wow, that was a hard-hitting FOX-news-y opinion.

Then Mr. H told me he had lunch with a friend who's graduating from medical school in a few months. The friend was agonizing over going to his next class, saying it would be boring because all they'd be doing is dissecting a brain. Mr. H said "Are you kidding? My wife would love to dissect a brain!" He knows me well. I need to have our friend over for a home-cooked dinner so I can butter him up for an invite to brain lab. What food is most reminiscent of brains?

*The mayor is actually a goat. Whoa, recycled joke!

Posted 8:57 AM by Licketysplit

Grocery store existentialism is so 2004-05

No scratches! No! No! Stop it, kitty. NO THANK YOU is what parents who do not always follow through say when their child misbehaves. NO THANK YOU KITTY. Who's the kitty? Who can stay mad at you? Certainly not me. Pass me some of that crab dip. Think you're people!

Man alive. I keep forgetting about this blog thing. I keep making and completing lists instead. List: 1 king-sized mattress. 100 ounces of water. Half as much magnesium as calcium. 120 hours of work in 2 weeks. 4 nights in a hotel. 2 plane tickets. 4 nights in another hotel. Shallots. Can't have enough. Well, 2, I bought 2. 1....I don't know, what the fuck do you need for a live baby anyway? I should knit a blanket maybe? Am pretty sure I do not need a wipes warmer. But maybe a ghastly mirror stuck in a bear. That baby looks like Winston Churchill. I could use an immersion blender for purposes of my own. Am too lazy to blend in regular style. Immersion blender also easier for baby to use.

Tonight: week-old chicken! Bird flu + old food phobia, together at last. I have mushrooms to chop.

Posted 5:46 PM by Licketysplit

I'm into something good (leftover spaghetti)

Madge, I'm soaking in it. It's March now? Why and how do these things keep happening? I can't keep up. March always makes me think of back when companies were coming up with really stupid names, like marchFIRST. Whatever happened to them? Oh, bankruptcy, apparently.

And remember when PwC changed their name to Monday? Sadly, that also didn't last.

I'm so glad I can remember dotcom era ephemera. Yet I keep forgetting to turn off the bathroom faucet, and I try to put the milk away in the cupboard on a fairly regular basis. Oh, right. It's March. Double digits until the parasite hatches, and I get dumber by the minute.

Posted 2:45 PM by Licketysplit