Jebus

Anthropological findings based on the scrawling on the used boxes the moving company dropped off for us to fill:

* People with mudrooms also name their children Aidan and Ava

* People named Pete have enough "nic-nacs" to fill a large box

* People with children named Aidan and Ava are also heavy drinkers, because a few of those boxes were totally soaked in wine at some point

* People who get these boxes after us will know that we own a lot of "crap" and more "crap"

* I don't believe in the expectations that labels enforce

* I prefer surprises

* I don't own a Sharpie that works



And in other news, I just noticed that the street up by the Cracker Barrel is called "Internantional Way," not "International Way," as I had previously assumed.

Posted 5:30 PM by Licketysplit

You'll forgive me

Mr. H is going to be late tonight! I said "Ok, as long as you aren't dating the toothless girl." This is a joke. The toothless girl is already busy dating the baby daddy of a relative. He can stay away as long as he wants, toothless girl or not. I'm still mad about his over-zealous sanding of a freshly painted large expanse of wall. Sure, the plaster may have been slightly uneven, but now it is still uneven but also leprous and in need of another coat of paint. Sand before paint! Before! Antes! A priori! People have offered to help us move, which is great, but burly Irishmen are taking care of that part. Paint my bathroom instead.

Anyway. My mother is in town until tomorrow. This morning she cleaned the tub with the toilet brush rather than ask me where the tub brush might live. Good luck, future tennants! I wore socks and shoes in the shower. Then we went to IKEA, and I bought curtains for thirteen cents or whatever curtains cost there. If you need me, I'll be swearing.

Posted 5:02 PM by Licketysplit

Tomorrow's post, today!

Don't start reading this until Thursday. It's your own fault if you have nothing new to read on Thursday because you read this today.

It was extra, extra foolish to start a Content Challenge in a month when I have to move. I'll say that much.

Saab called to say they have found me a windshield. This is shocking, since they stopped making this model. It turns out that some darling in the parts department, after being threatened by legal, decided to actually find out which Subaru model will fit as a replacement. So they went ahead and ordered it, and I guess the damn idiots are going to fix it for me. This is after many months of phone calls where the dealer's parts person disavowed the knowledge that Subarus even existed, and the service manager swore up and down that the dealer would not handle glass anyway. Clearly, the tipping point came when I screeched "I have a baby on the way," as recorded last week. I urge you all to insert imaginary children into all your customer service disputes henceforth.

Then I spent a long time on hold with the insurance company. At one point, I wasn't sure if I was still on hold because the music had stopped. I peed without muting the phone, thinking this would hurry things along, but it didn't. What kind of Murphy's Law failure is that?

Posted 3:56 PM by Licketysplit

Visa vee

Unsourced gossip: apparently Massachusetts is trying to strengthen seatbelt laws to make being unbuckled a stoppable offense. There is outcry that this will lead to racial profiling, and then some people just don't like being told what to do. Well, move to New Hampshire and pay higher property taxes. There are no races in New Hampshire (except dirt bike), so that takes care of racial profiling. The legal fireworks balance out the lack of diversity. Anyhoo, seatbelt laws require impassioned speeches about civil liberties, but wiretapping without a court order is A-OK!

I was once helped by a seatbelt! It's true! Actually, more than once. This morning, some skeez in an orange Tonka truck (Honda Element?) tried to make a left into the lane of traffic. Unfortunately, I was already right in front of her. I used my cat-like reflexes and saved us all, but on second thought, I should have let her hit us. Such destruction would have totally gotten us out of the fucking lease.

Then there was the time my mother turned the mini van over during morning car pool. This was during her storied "I don't need glasses" phase. The neck injury I sustained from dangling like a bat still kicks up to this day, but I imagine it might have sucked more had my neck crumpled against the roof of the car. The most annoying part out of all of this? A neighbor was driving by and thought it was a good idea to take several bruised and stunned children to school. I got to school on time and took a science test. I had a valid excuse to go home on a silver platter, and I was too dumb to take it. Never again! Today I am going to cancel a meeting because it is snowing. Discretion is the better part of laziness.

Posted 8:48 AM by Licketysplit

Truthy, not facty, with annoying emphasis

Today is the 33rd anniversary of Roe v. Wade. The parasite has learned to roll over, which feels rather odd. My mother always stood in the wings during high school and college hissing "You know I'll always pay for an abortion, right?!" Now she's inventing excuses to fly up and rub my belly. I should have bilked her out of abortion money while I had the chance. She's never going to fall for an abortion a month now. Gestating is not nearly as uncomfortable and grotesque as I once conjectured, but I still wouldn't wish it on anyone who didn't want to do it. My resolve is strengthened.

Today is also the most depressing day of the year, mathematically (thanks, Lisa!). In unrelated news, through a complicated scheme, I will cancel my cable and restart it on the same day to get a free month of service. Why TV? I like OnDemand. I don't like owning DVDs, and I am actually too lazy/busy to send Netflix movies back. It's true. I just sent back one from July. We paid something like $75 to watch that movie. I wish Apple would get with it and figure out how to beam first-run movies directly into my head. I can't see the movie screen because I need glasses now. Getting old is a bitch! I have toe arthritis. I'm not really 25, no matter what I might claim. Don't listen to me at all.

Posted 5:25 PM by Licketysplit

Is it time to eat again?

Germ warfare continues at our half-packed hovel. Yesterday we managed to pack two whole boxes between coughing fits. Then we took a break to eat whatever was in the freezer and watch a movie featuring attractive people and improbable gunplay. Glamour, glamour everywhere.

One church billboard has updated ahead of schedule. It reads "When doing heavy lifting, bend at the knees." My first thought was that this was some sort of sex tip, but then I realized they were talking about praying. Oh. The other billboard rallied with something about casting your cares onto the Lord. Hang on, Lord, get ready to help me pack the spice drawer.

Posted 2:57 PM by Licketysplit

How do other people do it?

Internet pets, I have such poor stress management skills these days. No wine + no pills + not even freaking Nyquil make Hulk ill-equipped to handle paperwork or daily upset and challenge.

How dare someone want me to do work? How dare my insurance agent be out of the office? How dare my accountant send me a bill? How dare Saab continue to assert that I need a Subaru part? How dare "Kevin" at Subaru not know which part fits a Saab? OMGWTFBBQ Subaru is no longer even remotely a part of GM. I think Toyota owns those shares in Fuji Heavy Industries now. That makes the Saabaru the 2005 Tar-Baby of GM. My pappy once told me "Never buy GM." Of course he's also doing a gout cure he found on the internet when he doesn't even have gout, but we trashpick advice around here as we see fit.

I told Saab to send my file to legal to get me the hell out of the lease. There was hemming and hawing, and then I can't believe I did this, but I used the "We have a baby on the way, we can't be expected to drive it around in a car with a broken windshield!" line. Oh, breederism. So loathsome, but apparently effective in this case because Phone Lady said "Oh! I'll get that right over with a note then." It doesn't matter that the car would fail inspection, apparently I can drive it all the livelong day, but THINK OF THE CHIRREN!

Didn't I write a book last year with a Moose? It was about this time last year, because my Media Bistro membership is expiring. IIRC. LOL. I think I was supposed to be famous by now, but we never got around to actually mailing it to the agent. That's OK. I've met so many more horrible people this year. I could do a sequel in my sleep.

Hearing goes mono, hearing goes stereo. Oh...and back to mono.

Posted 4:25 PM by Licketysplit

You want to know about the billboard

There are two churchs down the road that out-sloganeer each other each week. The one closest to the house says something like "Let your inner good show on the outside." Of course I think of how the entrails of some of the Habsburg emperors were buried outside of their bodies. Or good old Saint Erasmus.

But mainly I think of how butt ugly the parasite is making me. In theory, I have the goodness of innocent infant blood inside (a prized beauty treatment for stars like Dick Cheney and Nicolette Sheridan), but the outside? Not so good. Little Davidette is giving mommy a lackluster mane and tail. Combine this with a minor illness, and I look like a zombie. A zombie with pants that can't stay up properly because the zombie is not big enough for fat pants, but too small for her regular pants. I lurched into the car fixing place this morning and rattled "Change oil! Brains!" Then I just huddled on the floor by the counter, hissing at people until someone had to put on gloves and drag me to the customer lounge.

While in the lounge, I ate someone for starting a cell phone conversation about how annoying it was to wait in a waiting room. Survival of the fittest. This someone was even uglier than me, if that's possible.

Posted 10:24 AM by Licketysplit

Stereotyping

I do not like living up to the Vomitola name, I've decided. Whoever is holding the voodoo doll this week decided to add some actual vomitola to my bird flu. There's nothing quite like the feeling of your eyeballs shooting out of your nose at the same time as your stomach lining. That's how I spent my Tuesday. What did you do, Bono?

On the plus side, if not for lying on the coach moaning and watching Entertainment Tonight, I never would have found out about this: Hilton leaves Renee Zellweger naked!

Posted 12:15 PM by Licketysplit

Where's the wahmbulance?

I can't write content today because I came down with the bird flu overnight. I asked Mr. H to write my content, and he helpfully dictated "Wah, wah, wah, I'm sick, wah wah." That's about right, but I'm divorcing him anyway. So here I wallow, watching terrible TV and trying to take advantage of my good nostril. So far, I've seen a preview for "Skating with Celebrities." What about "Brain Surgery with the B-List?"

Posted 9:38 PM by Licketysplit

Compound fracture: Saturday/Sunday special

Fwoo, writing on the internet is hard. I missed another day of content challenge. Amy is trouncing me with the alphabet. So far, I have managed to sneer at the real estate section of the Times, as is my weekend custom, and I also ate Belgian waffles. Yesterday was more involved, but too exhausting to recount.

The wind is howling, the cat is hiding under the table, and I am trying not to think about mini tacos because if I eat them all, they will be gone. The movers dropped off a billion boxes the other day, and I should be filling them and labelling them, but we can't have that. I am also supposed to be doing something career-related, but I just. don't. care. The parasite releases chemicals that make my brain fuzzy. It's a warm, cuddly static, more like being trapped in a duvet than the usual January ennui, but the end result is much the same. We have pressing matters to address like playing "Who's the baby!!!!!!," which involves lying on the couch with a hand on the abdomen waiting for bonks. The baby is indignant when Mr. H takes his hand away, and the cat turns around and glares when petting stops. High needs.

Friday we took the gruesome ultrasound pictures over to oblige Mr. H's family. Since he is a bastard, he held out two pictures, side by side. His mother freaked out, asking "Am I looking at TWO pictures?" And he said "Yes, you are looking at two pictures." His sister jumped up and did an end zone dance, all "In your face, I was right, I was right, it's twins!" No, but there are two pictures. I am not sure what made her think it was twins, since I am now 50% done gestating but have no obesity to show for it. Apparently my innards are spacious. So I asked about her reasoning, and it seems Darlene the psychic said it would be twins. Or a boy. Or a red-haired girl. Darlene is very diplomatic.

Posted 3:25 PM by Licketysplit

Now it's really Friday, not Thursday's make-up day

Ah, Friday. I don't have to do any work tomorrow. Except for oh crap. Crap. I have to go to a birthday party, which means I will wrap up some item I find in the back of the closet. Here, have one shoe. You'll love it. It makes you look like you have more legs.

This morning Mr. H and I went and tortured the parasite with an ultrasound machine. I mean we treated it hospitably, as a guest of the US government. Verdict: parasites do not like being mashed and otherwise bullied with sound waves. It has quite the impressive brain, though. Takes after me. I also spotted the reproductive organs, and if I were a proper internet parent, I'd post a photo with an MS Paint arrow pointing to it, along with the caption "Money Shot!!!!!" Yes, this is done on the internets. I have seen it. People who do this also tend to have lots of blinkies festooning their personal internet homepages.

Later, I had a phone call with someone with a suave British accent. I wish I could only have calls with people with suave accents. I could just lie on the floor and pretend David Bowie is calling to ask me about my interactive vision. Except David Bowie would have even better manners than that. He'd start by inquiring after my health, and then he'd move on to a thoughtful compliment. Some pig!

Posted 3:12 PM by Licketysplit

OMGZ

I totally blew off Content Challenge yesterday. I just somehow skipped Thursday. I woke up, and it was Friday. Who knew? OK, that is lie. Actually, I got quick-onset obesity, and I couldn't get off the couch. That is also sort of a lie, but far closer to the truth. Oh, as if you did anything that great on Thursday. Who are you, Bono? Angelina Jolie?

Posted 3:07 PM by Licketysplit

Yesterday in a-w-k-w-a-r-d

Mr. H made the fatal mistake of allowing a checkout clerk into our lives. The insolent whelp commented eagerly on our selection of a pre-made pot pie, and Mr. H allowed that it did, in fact, look good. This led to a tiresome diatribe on the type of pot pie made by the clerk's mother, and her gravy recipe to boot. His mother's gravy is quite creamy.

Mmm-hmm, said Mr. H. I cringed as the worm cast an eye towards our pasta sauce. "Wow, only $3.49. Is this any good?"

While waiting for the card approval, the clerk stretched theatrically and asked "Does anyone want to walk on my back to get this knot out?" I decided this would be a great time to make sure the floor was properly tiled.

"You know, I used to have a friend who had his girlfriend walk on his back wearing six-inch pumps," he persisted.

"Wow, usually you have to pay for that," I said. The clerk stood there agog, as if I were suddenly the offensive one. Mr. H started snuffling, and we grabbed our bags and ran for it.

Posted 3:56 PM by Licketysplit

Potatoes, not politics

I had something to say, O Best Beloved, but I forgot. Surely the proper procedure is to stop typing, but when I get a notion to type, I can't help myself. Idle hands take up the devil's work. It's either this or knitting the scarf I just can't finish. I feel like Christo whenever I pick it up.

Have you called your senator to whimper about the Supreme Court yet today? I normally prefer to keep my whimpering to the comfort of my own duvet, but we do what we can. This is a remarkably angst-free January, all serotonin levels, wiretapping, construction projects, and parasites considered. I think I've discovered that eating every twelve minutes is the solution to my myriad personal shortcomings. Well, at least I feel better about them. Not saying it actually fixes them. Perhaps it was never existentialism: I just wasn't eating enough oatmeal. This looks like it could be Dick Cheney's problem as well. Fiber, mon petit robot.

Posted 1:22 PM by Licketysplit

Inter oves locum praesta,
Et ab haedis me sequestra

I've had lines from Mozart's requiem knocking around in my head for the last few days, all sung jovially in the voice of my father. Confutatis maledictis? A mere sunny walk in the park, that man would have us believe. This morning Salon featured a review of a new book about Mozart and mentioned it is the 250th anniversary of Mozart's death. How could I forget? My father uses 1756 for all possible passwords. It would be his ATM code, if he and my mother trusted ATMs. They feel it is safer to go to the bank and extract large sums of cash every few weeks. Then they conceal these sums of cash around the house to foil any thuggery.

My father used to tell my sister and I stories he made up about Mozart's life as a child. Instead of the knuckle rapping and poor hygiene that probably went on, his stories involved shenanigans and overturned chicken coops*. Mozart had a friend/nemesis named "Fatsy Patsy Potzengriller." I will always remember this and no actual facts about Mozart, despite being forced to listen to audio cassettes about the lives of the great composers on car rides. I vaguely remember that Schumann was my favorite subject because he went mad and flung himself into the Rhine. Oh Jesu Christe, anything but Berlioz, please. No follow through!

It's time for second lunch. Ingemisco tamquam reus.

*It is possible I am actually thinking of Looney Tunes.

Posted 3:52 PM by Licketysplit

Content Challenge already challenging

Sometimes you have good intentions of writing something really funny and relevant, you know, for the first time in your entire life, but it just doesn't happen. You go to Content Challenge with the army you have, and sometimes that army is in a really bad mood and doesn't want to make fajitas for dinner. Sure, all the ingredients for fajitas except a few are in the fridge, and an end product of fajitas makes more sense than anything else the army could put together, but the army just doesn't fucking feel like fucking fajitas, OK? The army considers defecting and sits down on the floor and covers its face and says "I don't know what's wrong with me. I could kill with my bare hands. I am going to just sit here and be very quiet to avoid that." Then Donald Rumsfeld says "It's OK, baby, let's go out." And then the army sniffles and says "But we're supposed to be saving moneyyyyyyy." Donald Rumsfeld sagely reminds the army that the army could get one of those huge dill pickles it likes so much. The army doesn't defect after all, but it does stay up half the night drinking water on account of the pickle.

Posted 6:15 PM by Licketysplit

A time for consideration, horse sex

Was it wise to start Content Challenge right before a weekend?



No, says Zellweger. Oh no you di'n't.

Thanks to everyone who's been clicking on ads. I'd click for you, you bastards. I also click on that dancing monkey to see if I can hit it with a banana. No rilly, so far I've been pleasantly surprised with the AdSense payoff. It's an experiment. I am so pleased that I may make Content Challenge coincide with the return of Anal Sex Month to reward you all. This Editor & Publisher article handily uses the phrase "No. 1 finisher" in a story about lethal horse anal sex. People just cannot get enough horse sex. Horse sex: less scary and appalling than spreading freedom?

Also, I got a quasi-spelled email from the condo mgmt. people about "unclogging the chute" that I could excerpt to comedic effect, but I must retain some shred of privacy.

The following people have foolishly committed to joining Content Challenge:
The Biscuit Report - now with more impeachment!

Moose and Squirrel - writes better than me because she takes the bus

Kimbot - apparently she was gone, and now she's back

Posted 9:01 PM by Licketysplit

I got nothing, but that never stopped me before.

I think I'll make January into another Content Challenge. Way to start a week into the month! I'm an army of one, unless someone else wants to get in on this. I remain mildly disturbed yet titillated by all the ads for that new faux snuff film, Hostel. (Nasty stills, if you are so inclined - sort of Abu Ghraib meets Motel Hell). I read that there's a joke about the political situation in Slovakia in the set up for luring the hapless college slobs to slaughter, but the hapless college slobs seeing the movie are like to miss it. But then I married into a family that staunchly believes that Czechoslovakia became Chechnya. The US government is probably avidly screening this film now that they don't torture anyone, no how, no way, no sirree. Pissa!!!!! Just having to think of the government reminds me that the only way I got out of 2005 without a recurrence of major depression was by watching no news but The Daily Show. I like my ridiculous world affairs with built-in eyerolling so I don't have to strain myself.

Back at my own personal chamber of horrors, Saab conceded that I could install a Subaru part, but they cannot tell me exactly which model would be appropriate. I also received another customer satisfaction survey in the mail. I am torn between peeing on it myself, or mailing them something from the litterbox. I think I'll keep the logo blanket they sent. I can stretch it over the car to keep the snow out when the glass finally caves. cf. what Laura Ingalls Wilder Would Do.

I also had blood drawn, which I totally love. Wish they'd let me do it myself. The purpose is to see if the parasite has all appropriate chromosomes. Apparently one is supposed to assume one is at the brink of peril throughout one's parasite hosting career. I noticed later that the receptionist seems to have put the wrong dates on the lab orders, which will likely skew the results. "Hello? You're having a Johhny Knoxville. Your baby is also unable to locate Chechnya on a map." Can't wait for that call.

Posted 4:17 PM by Licketysplit

Hulk smash windshield, if windshield not already broken

Saab call Hulk to say 43 other mutants get new windshield ahead of Hulk. Hulk say "why I pay payment then?" Saab say "ooga booga boo. Thank you for calling. Expect a Customer Satisfaction Survey in the mail in a few days. We depend on your valuable feedback." Never buy Saab. Hulk think Hulk learned this in highschool when friend's Saab missing hood for three months. But husband not listen, say Saab different now. Lies, Saab, lies.

Part 2: A quiz

If you were a cat with the personality of a PTSD-stricken 'Nam vet, would you prefer to:

a) move to a new place and then spend time cowering in the bathroom while a week of construction takes place
b) have your owners pay rent plus mortgage for another month as you continue to bask next to a heat vent in your current abode
c) stay with your in-laws and their one-year-old grandchild during construction - at least there are piles of old magazines to hide behind
d) be smuggled into a hotel in a backpack for a few days or disguised as child with body hair issue

I bet you'll say B, but yeah, right. Hulk not made of money. Hence site monetized and valuetized. If reading this drivel ever entertains you, please also enjoy/forgive the messages from sponsors. Otherwise, you may ignore them or read other quality internets content. Hulk commodify dumb life in half-assed manner.

Hulk have migraine. Is tumor?

Posted 11:52 AM by Licketysplit

The one about the customer service indignity and my related suffering that goes on in my dumb life here in America with all the paperwork and confusion and general bougie peril

Oh damn if I aint been on the phone all day talking to people who can't really help me. I saved a boatload by switching car insurance. I didn't know this was possible in Massachusetts. So I told them we lived in New Hampshire. Apparently it gets cheaper to insure your car if you also insure your secret underground SCUBA lair while you're at it. At least I am banking on the lair being underwater at some point since I had to get all that flood insurance. I did opt out of earthquake insurance even though we live on a fault line.

The parasite is gumming my lower abdomen. It's a weird feeling, and I am envisioning one of those aquarium cleaning snails just skulking around in there. Yup, hoover that plankton, sweetie. It seemed to relish it when I yelled at the Saab customer service people for telling me they can't possibly scare up a new windshield to replace the cracked one. I was told to put in a Subaru windshield. Seems we really got a Subaru with an enamel Liger slapped on it. I did not pick this car, let's just say. I called the leasing agent to see if this voids the warranty, and yes, it does, but since they haven't managed to produce a properly branded windshield in the last seven months, we are at an impasse. At least they were nice enough to fudge the last state inspection. I feel very safe, let me tell you. Must be the 4-wheel drive.

Usually I do start with strongly worded somewhat witty letters, but this time it felt right to go straight to screaming "This is unacceptable!"

Today in cats: the cat is scratching something in a fit of pique. At least she finally got off her ass and booked the movers.
Tonight in eating: a casserole dish of melted cheese, seasoned with box of wine

Posted 4:17 PM by Licketysplit

A day late and a dollar short: 2005 by the numbers

Number of separate calendar days where vomiting occurred: 4
Number of times the washer and dryer were correctly delivered: 0
Number of duplicate West Elm catalogs received: 8
Amount of work billed: 3x 2004 billings
Amount actually received in 2005: ahahahahahaha
Number of gallons of non-returnable paint purchased: 9
Number of gallons actually needed: 4
Damn you: Glidden.com paint calculator that Mr. H made me use. I should have trusted my street math.
Weight gained: 6 pounds
Bad haircuts: 1
Dead hard drives: 1
Cracked windshields: 1
Amount the usage of "gift" as a verb annoyed me: immeasurable
Impulse real estate purchases: 1
Parasite infestations: 1
Albums purchased from iTunes Music Store: only 15!
Countries visited: France, Spain, Baltimore
Existentialism: medium
Swearing: damn, a damn lot

**2006 Bonus Preview:**
Boxes of wine purchased: 1
Washers and dryers correctly delivered: 0
Boston terriers who live across the hall from my new hovel: 1
This is boring me: 72%

Posted 2:10 PM by Licketysplit