I'd like to build a value chain, in perfect harmony

Bitches, this is the year I need to monetize all my channels. Because other bitches straight up do not pay on time, even bitches that are normally totally good for it because they have, I don't know, comptrollers or CFOs or whatever. I do not know what the problem is. Everyone must be off making New Year's Resolutions like "get organized!!!!" on little Post-It scraps. Mine is "I will bury you." I had to cancel all charitable giving, and a guy is going to repossess my floors and key my car if you all don't pay by the end of the month. So watch out, Big Content. I am going to "blog" every day, and I am going to put ads all over the place. You will like it. There will be mention of gumjobs. I might even start spellchecking for you.

All the simple minds in my life are mystified because Mr. H and I do not exchange Christmas presents. These are the same special little creatures who will go on to ask me "Is he/she a good baby? Does he/she sleep?" And then I'll have to say "Naw, he/she is a total douche bag of a baby." I answered the "what did you get for Christmas" question by staring blankly and wondering why they didn't ask Cousin Tweaker about his obvious staph infection instead. Sometimes I would grudgingly say "...a house? impregnated?" People. Honestly. We have no money, like orphans! Mr H. had to give the guy at Home Depot a reacharound in exchange for a laser level. I guess his Christmas present was when I explained what a "rusty trumpet" was. Don't say I never told you nothing.

Posted 12:12 PM by Licketysplit

My snout is cold and wet like that of a basset hound

Current mood: EAT EAT EAT
Current music: something catchy from Aimee Mann about being a sad drunk at christmas
Current terror level: financial, existential

I am talking to a flooring company about doing something to some floors. Their slogan is "A walk in the woods brought home." For some reason, I'm picturing something involving ticks or lice. I should just gnaw my own floors like a beaver.

Earlier, I was eating leftover lasagna, and I had to ask the question "Hey, are you gonna barf on the bed?" And the answer was a barf. Thanks, cat. Luckily I caught it in a bowl, but this meant I couldn't finish the lasagna. Problems: we all have them. Why was I eating near a bed anyway? It was the office bed. Don't you have one? There was a time when I had to sleep under my desk, like peasant. But no more! Sometimes I take calls on the floor, but that's just because I can.

What else can I do? So far today, I've been offended by the internets, and I've thought it was Wednesday. The parasite is bumping into walls, so I'm guessing it is offended by the internets as well. Or maybe it just wants to hear "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" again. Several people have expressed trepidation that the name "parasite" might give the little bugger the idea that it's unwanted. Not unwanted. Shocking, sure. So from now on, I guess I'll call it Montecore. Name that parasite!

Posted 3:29 PM by Licketysplit

Clam Sandies

I whipped up a batch of my famous clam sandies last night. That's what you're all getting for xxxmasxxx! Actually, you're not getting anything. Someone is getting Star Wars legos, someone is getting a sweater, and someone else is getting a wooden push toy that looks like a crocodile. In order to receive a present from me, you must be a child under ten. The rest of you bastards are on your own. Well, if I catch you using "gift" as a verb, you will receive a sound drubbing. That goes for you too, iTunes Music Store. You were not "gifted" with anything. Someone might have given you something though (Chlamydia, ooh, that's a pretty name). I do hate to burst your bubble, but you are not gifted at all. You never were. I'm sorry, but nearly everyone eventually learns to count to ten. If you did it early, or in French, good for you and Muzzy, but where did that get you in the long run? You are average in every way, maybe above average if you live in Lake Wobegone.

I am just bitter because I am no longer "good for my age" at anything. I can't even write a blog post without ripping off Garrison Keillor multiple times.

I was going to tell you about my parking problems, but my heart's just not in it. I'm going to go eat this candied seafood and enable the power of the powerful internet for filthy money that can't buy happiness, although it can buy Ralph Lauren paint in a shade called "Old Violin." Or maybe not even that since bitches never pay on time. American Express has to buy the paint. I blame my foul mood on the lonely old lady who came around and gave us a plate of Christmas cookies. Random acts of kindness can be so depressing!

Posted 1:08 PM by Licketysplit

A la douche

I recently horrified my sister by telling her that my father has purchased a bidet for the ancestral hovel. But he cheaped out and refused to spend the extra $300 to get the model with the heated seat and air-drying component. If you're going to have a plumber come to your home and tear things apart, why not go totally ridiculous? I was really looking forward to pretending I was in Japan while home for visits, but this is not to be.

I hate that I come from a long line of proponents of the half-assed. Planting a garden turns into a few scraggly tomato plants in the front yard. Fencing the yard turns into chicken wire. Dropping out of society turns into ten years of glorified camping and small animal murder. Homeschooling turns into eating dirt and getting smacked as a study aid. We are not doers. We are imagineers! And right now, I am imagining that there are more croissants in the kitchen. There aren't. Life is filled with disappointments. At least I don't have crippling existentialism this year! Instead, I have a parasite, and I've officially become a second class citizen.

Posted 10:55 AM by Licketysplit

Which foods am I thinking of today?

Today I awoke to find free cocaine falling from the sky! Pounds and pounds of it! I am so excited. People are taking it for granted and brushing it off their cars. I don't understand that. It's a gift from God. I am going to put some clothes on and go harvest some. Later-ish. I think I need a massage and a nap now. I'm also having all my pants hemmed to this season's length, and I'm getting neck extensions. Huh, the landlord is out there pushing the cocaine around with a plow. That's the ticket, man. Jolly good. Put some behind my car, yes, do that. I am going to have so much fun backing through that.

Oh, about the food. I am thinking of how bad microwave popcorn smells. And about how Hot Pockets are made of asthmatic stray cats. I could also go for some of that leftover casserole, except I ate it all last night. What do you people eat, anyway? I always imagine other people are eating better things than I am. Who am I talking to? Why do I let random dingdongs know my business at all? And by business, I mean total exaggerations or lies. Envy and vigilance, that's the name of the game.

Posted 12:58 PM by Licketysplit

OMG OMG OMG

I am a hideous monster, born of the briny, briny deep. I am wearing pants without a waist band.

Hey, would anyone ELSE like a copy of my bank records or my social security number? Because I will totally fax that right over to you. I've been playing "justify my existence" with several financial entities this week, and it's getting wicked old. I used to care who had my social security number, but not now. It's 229-43-8817. Or is it? Did I even give the right one to the bank? Maybe not. That could be the trouble. Actually, there is no trouble. They just want my birth certificate for scientific purposes. They are going to build a better Licketysplit. Then the condo board wants a photo of the cat. Whatever. I hope my clone gets properly toilet trained.

Also in OMG, at IKEA yesterday I saw a woman eat a 15-piece Swedish meatball plate with extra gravy, fries, a side of macaroni and cheese, and two slices of cake. NO, it wasn't me. I was busy gumming my way through an ADEQUÄT potato. It was a boiled potato. Boiled things have no calories, don't worry.

Posted 5:45 PM by Licketysplit