When you're Six, it's pretty awesome

Happy Birthday Echo!

Posted 4:13 PM by Lambchop

Hello




So the replies to our ad in search of an attractive and emotionally competent roommate have been pouring in. My favorite by far is a fellow who is coming over tonight who swears he is "hotter than Lionel's nut huggin' panties on an LA night". The mind chafes!

I am not sure that I will live to make this appointment, however, as satan himself has taken to dumping snow onto Boston. But i am not worried, I believe the Patriot Act defines an excess of weather as "eco-terror".

In other news, people that aren't me are still dreadfully tedious. I take care to remind you all that the poet enjoys the incomparable privilege of being able to see himself and others, as he wishes. So thought Baudelaire, anyway. I implore you to employ wit as though your brain were more than just a vegetable capable of computing your taxes. Don't make small art. And above all, Make Life Beautiful!

-xo

Posted 4:26 PM by Lambchop

This is not a whammy



Well, maggots, I can't get out of the freshly snow-covered driveway. The car wants to go sideways down the hill, which would be a feasible enough way to get out if not for the other cars parked below me.

It's probably just as well that I am housebound, because I feel a good bout of incoherence coming on. I woke up from a disturbing dream that we had purchased the newest Apple product: a living organism that starts out as a carnivorous plant, and once you re-pot it, you get something like a Tasmanian devil. We quickly found ourselves wondering why the hell we bought this vicious thing, and it ended up running off and living under our neighbor's house. From time to time, we'd see it in the yard, catching snakes. When it started to bite the neighbor's children, we decided we had to kill it, so we spent several days sneaking up and luring it with raw steaks and chicken breasts, planning to set it on fire.

It didn't work, and then next thing you know, I was in a KMart shopping for discount tinsel garlands. I was forced to do the Jumble in the paper to get the full discount. Doing the Jumble in your dream is probably the worst thing that can possibly happen. I hope you never experience this. I actually bored myself awake.

Then I called some senators and left messages about torture. It was easy and fun. Not torture, the calling. Press-a the buttons, hello, hello. They HAVE to be nice to you. You can get more details here: The Biscuit Report.

I am off to shovel, all OCD-like. I don't actually shovel so much as delicately dust with a spare pastry brush. The house boy has the day off. And this box of Twinkies won't eat itself.

Posted 10:05 AM by Licketysplit

Blizzard Bazaar



It was winter over here at my igloo as well.







I don't have anything else to say about that apart from "Very Strong Rum".

Today I played hooky from LegalHut and finished a painting. I also shoveled and had a chicken sandwich. Finally, I put on some pants because we were having an Open House at my house, looking for a potential new roommate. And I want them to think I am the sort of person who wears pants. Hoo boy, the parade! My favorite candidate described our living room as "wild", and one of the others broke a cardinal rule by sporting such as culottes. There was a pretty nice boy who is studying to be a Masseur, and the less I say about that the better. Just to make sure that we find the best possible fit, I have placed a new ad here.

-xo

Posted 10:56 PM by Lambchop

Hydrogenated States of America

I spent last week miserably ill, but Mr. H coaxed me out on Saturday with the promise that there would be many fat people at the supermarket. The things people put in their carts! I marvel at this on a normal day, but the day before Storm of the Century AND a playoff game? Unspeakable. We got into the spirit by running up and down the aisles grabbing things we didn't need. Organic pizza bites! Twinkies! Crab dip!

In the midst of a fever, I must have agreed to let Mr. H get a new camera, because he came home with one later that day, all "Ma,canIkeepit,therewasarebate,pleaseplease." Thus he was able to document Storm of the Century most handily. At this rate, each photo he took only cost us $43. Here are several.



Going outside in the winter is something I try not to do. I found myself costumed in a jacket from a short-lived stab at snowboarding years ago, with yoga pants tucked into a pair of asymmetrical Camper knee boots and oven mitts on my hands. I started shoveling, but then, as Melvin would say, "J'ai éprouvé un sentiment insupportable d'inutilité." I gave up and crawled in through the trunk and backed out. The snow just stayed on top of the roof and hood, molded as if Gaudí himself shat it there. Then Mr. Plow came, and I went in for a drink.




Death from above. There is no reason to go outside.



Sunset, tower window. These are secret messages, saying that I should eat a Twinkie.

Posted 9:27 PM by Licketysplit

Quatre ans sans lumière



En conséquence toute l'expérience a montré, cette humanité sont plus disposée pour souffrir, alors que les maux sont sufferable, que vers la droite elles-mêmes en supprimant les formes auxquelles elles sont accoutumées


(...accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.)

Posted 10:16 AM by Licketysplit

United States of Oblivia



Happy MLK Day! Mr. H and I have the day off, which means we are going to go spend money. We will probably take the less fuel efficient car, just because.

Yesterday, we went to Andover (where white people were invented) to watch football. The fondue was awesome, and after the game, we all swapped keys. Wink, nudge.

It turns out that there weren't only white people there. There were folks of the Indian and Latin persuasions in attendance. They won us over with their samosas, but little do they know that we sent them home with smallpox!

It was quite the thrill to watch our founding fathers, the Patriots, defeat some sort of pagan followers of a horse deity. Next week, the blue bloods will no doubt triumph over some blue collar steel workers. The rabble should learn that hope is futile.

Once more into the bleach!

Posted 1:04 PM by Licketysplit

Top Cab!

This is, unlike most of our stories, true. The other night I took a taxi home, and I met Willie, a 64 year old driver and owner of his own car, in a pretty new fleet called Top Cab. Willie hails from South Carolina, and still has the friendly trace of that regionalism. He told me about growing up with segregation, when he would not have been allowed to walk several paces behind me. Since I am from Jersey City, we shared the same feeling upon arrival in Boston, "man, where did all these white people come from?!" We talked about how horribly things are going in this country, with all the young people getting sent to their death under false pretenses, and how a nation that had rid itself of slavery and segregation, might recover from these barbaric times. He said that people down south don't even know how they are voting themselves further into poverty and loss. How he expects to be driving until he drops, with social security drying up, and billions spent on warfare. Willie moved to the South End of Boston when it was a slum, 43 years ago. He is lucky that he can still afford to live in what is now a fancy address, but I think it is because he rents. He said that "men better wake up,, because it's the women who know what's going on, and are going to take control." He also declared it impossible that Condoleeza could be black, though he has relatives who knew her. He called me Angel in his warm breezy drawl. Business is not so great, times being what they are. For those of you who live in Boston, you taxi riding drunks the lot of ya, please call Top Cab. 617.266.4800. They're good people.

-xo
Heather

Posted 2:33 PM by Lambchop

New In Studio

Licketyplit currently has lambchop in a very uncomfortable half nelson. Until she cries "mercy", we bring you an offering from studio d'lambchop, where she dreams of hanging out with drag queens.

Posted 2:22 PM by Lambchop

My Little Pukey

Lambchop and Licketysplit are off the regular broadcast today. If you scroll south, you will see they are still plotting the other's doom. While they are busy with slide rules, chalk lines, and erlenmeyer flasks, we bring you this update from the B movie that will Blow all other B Movies:

Posted 10:09 AM by Lambchop

Express Yourself!



The other day on the street, I was trudging along in some slush, cursing humanity and wondering if I have cancer (the usual), when I caught a whiff of what HAD TO BE Designer Imposters. It was that fruity 1988 concoction that would pass for hairspray in the year 2000. And this gave me a great idea. So I had a meeting with our product developer (my roommate who works at home, conducted in our underwear), and he said that Vomitola! Perfume is wholly unmarketable. What is wrong with you people? Brad and Jennifer would!

In other news, making fun of people gets you into trouble. More's the pity, but it is true! Your ever intrepid lambchop is always willing to tow the exploratory line to find these things out for you, and there you have it. My research has yielded some tips that will be very important in your careers, as you heckle your way through this brief, absurd existence:

1. Never tell someone you don't like them. It is frowned upon, especially by the recipient.
2. Never insult someone directly, there are many more favors to be procured 'round the back door. It is where the servants are drinking, after all.
3. Never forbid someone to be in your company. It is cruel after all, because you are so wonderful.
4. Always invite annoying people to your parties. Everyone will be quietly amused when they fall down the stairs.
5. Never voice discontent. It causes wrinkles.
6. Allow others to believe you find yourself flawless and you will be spared their triviality.
7. Most importantly, don't be disturbed when someone dislikes you. Jesus was beloved and look what happened to him.

xo

Posted 1:06 PM by Lambchop

Ethicist, what do you tell people when?



My dream home would have an MRI chamber for burrowing, and this would be filled with pure oxygen delicately scented of jasmine. The chamber would be next to the plunge pool filled with slightly temperate margarine. So good for the skin!

In the mornings, I like to stay in bed for an hour or so and hallucinate. The wall bricks turn into Tetris blocks, and the floor turns into jungle foliage. The wood beams in the ceiling are pure Bosch. Once I get up, I try to focus on tasks of great industry, like arranging my shoes by color. Most of them are black, so this doesn't take too long. I have some coffee. I might answer email from clients, and a session of zen meditation is required when I read things like "I would just like to schedule a conference call to find out what your recommendations are." Because the email is in response to me sending a one page Dick and Jane-style document where my recommendations are clearly outlined. In fact, it was called "Recommendations for _____" followed by a set of bullet points. Maybe I should start including more clip art. "Do this, like this, says the little turtle [fig. a]."

fig. b
Ethicist, I have white spots in my fingernails again. Can you die from this? Does anyone want to plan my vacation? Mr. H is indisposed, leaving it all up to me. I read that Sri Lanka was the new Bali, but I suspect this no longer applies. My horoscope for today says "Challenges will be dealt with honorably." I guess this means I can duel with pistols.

Posted 11:52 AM by Licketysplit

Quiz! How Deep Is Your Love?

We really need to know...cos we're living in a world of fools!



1. "Your song" is:

a. Bumpin' wit Ho's
b. Solid as a Rock
c. Crimson and Clover
d. Someone Left a Cake Out in the Rain

2. You deal with your relationship problems by:

a. Consuming a foot long grinder, smothered in cheese, grease dripping on my drawz.
b. Talking things over in an air of mutual respect, and security
c. Throwing shoes (5 points for the head, 10 points for the Area)
d. Consulting quizzes

3. How well do you sleep, together?

a. Who can sleep with that bitch blabbering?
b. I can spend hours staring at your sleeping face, and counting every single thing about you that makes me miserable, you smug, self-satisfied pig.
c. We cuddle a little under an enormous duvet.
d. We make a big fuzzy pile with our dogs and cats!

4. Your pet name for your mate is descriptive of:

a. a drug habit
b. personal failings
c. some charming or loving quality
d. their weight

5. The most important promise a lover can make to you is...

a. No bumpin' wit Ho's!
b. Stop being yourself. Be different. be nice.
c. Come and find me after we die.
d. No Beaking!

There are no winners, there are no losers. To finish this test, please, just tell us, How Deep Is Your Love? The best answer wins something. We really need to know!

Posted 1:26 PM by Lambchop

Greetings from Arcadia, WI!



Life is funny. I started a new job as Sys. Admin here at Initrode, Inc. when I retrained at DeVoyd Tech, after the refridgerator plant down on Ruttle Road closed. After six months of surfing the web, I had the happiness of finding my sister Heidi. You know her as "Heather". This brassy parlor lady stuff is all an act. I want to tell you a little bit about the sister I grew up with in Lullaby, Wisconsin. She was a bright student, and organized the Penny Drive for Hunger in Ethiopia. She plays a reckless souse, but really she is a good skater who loves snow and carolling. There are six of us kids, Heidi the second oldest, and me the second youngest. You could really get lost in that family, but she took care of me, making sure I had both my mittens and a potato made it to my plate. Did you know that her middle name is "joy"? I hope I can get her to come on home for Easter. Then we will all be together again, except for Michael, who is in jail again for beating his third wife with an empty bottle of Grey Goose, and Jenna "Fritzi", who was last seen peddling her hoo-ha for dope in Columbus, Ohio.

love
Douglas

Posted 9:53 AM by Lambchop

It's a very modern world, but nobody's perfect



1985 was rad and all, but something bad happened in the future land of 2004, and the earth wobbled and wibbled. And then in 2005, the cat can't decide if she wants to be in or out, and I totally agree with that position, although it can be tiresome. There are theoretical units of value in my bank account, which were placed there because I used some of my time to do taxing things like write emails and make food dance on the internet. I transmitted some of my imaginary holdings via some electrons to be turned into bottled water and antibiotics. Electrons wear pointed shoes and jaunty caps. Then I picked up an issue of National Geographic Traveler, because vacation planning just got harder. As if life isn't hard enough.

I can't stay in 2005. I am booking a retreat to 1979, because I had a dream where everyone was speaking gibberish and "Fantastic Voyage" was playing in the background. This seems to be as good an idea as any. In 1979, I had just started growing teeth and learning about my feet. Later that year, I tried macaroni and cheese for the first time and loved it. Come to think of it, everyone *was* speaking gibberish to me in 1979. Maybe this is why I grew up to enjoy pharmaceuticals of all kinds. I have hands? Wow! What went wrong, ma?

Posted 1:32 PM by Licketysplit

Bring on the Dancing Whores, I mean Horses



1985 is shaping up pretty rad so far. I was all sweaty and nauseated for a couple days with the usual booze and pill new year, listening to Psychocandy. Couldn't eat more than a cherry tomato. But I did manage to pick up a copy of Spex and a couple new albums. Nothing you would have heard of, it's all German. Except, for Helen I got the new Scritti Politi. She just loves to dance. Holy crap, I am supposed to go meet her at the mall! We might go see Rocky III later. She is probably waiting for me by the fountain already, drinking a tab and ready to ring my neck, or pouring slurpees on the jocks that hang out by the Iroc giveaway.

Golden Girls is on tonight. 1985 Rules.

-xo

Posted 9:12 AM by Lambchop

HAPPY 1985!



Well, it's been a great year, but we at Vomitola eagerly welcome 1985. Did you drink too much last night? We may have. We know because we threw up in the shower this morning, and it didn't even phase us.

1985 is shaping up to be pretty swell, what with the Perestroika and the 7.2% unemployment. We can't wait to watch Kiss of the Spider Woman and see Madonna live! And just think, twenty years in the future, we'll get to watch the Willy Wonka movie starring that nice Johnny Depp from A Nightmare On Elm Street. Can life be any sweeter? Count your blessings, you jerks!

We're off to crash and dream of a 1300 Dow.

Posted 10:34 AM by Licketysplit