November spawned a monster



I had been saving that subject line in case Bush won next week, but after my little whoopsie-daisy in the time machine the other day, I am pretty convinced he will not. I was just telling my sister the Moose that I should have taken a picture of myself holding next week's newspaper, but since I correctly reported the ever-baffling Red Sox winning the Superbowl or whatever that was before they actually did it, I should be all set in the proof department. Besides, taking pictures of oneself out at arm's length is a little Sweet Valley High or something. High you say. The hell.

Someone reminded me that Halloween is coming up, and I don't have a costume. I thought of the scariest thing I could, and it looked like Copperplate Gothic and Comic Sans in a grotesque threesome with Arial, spelling out "Support Our Troops" on one of those inscrutable magnetic ribbons. All the churches and high schools up this way changed their moveable letter boards to read "Go Sox" instead of "Support Our Troops," so I guess we have a reprieve from supporting. Curt Schilling, poster boy for "resolve," wants you to vote Bush. Go back to your red state, sirrah. Let the heavens continue to smile on Massachusetts, and stop trifling, people.

I suppose I should be Bitter for Halloween.

I wrote this yesterday morning and never got around to posting, and it scarcely feels relevant, but then again, what ever is.

Posted 6:11 PM by Licketysplit

Now my heart is full



Wow, that was a hell of a ride. Yesterday was certainly the most memorable November Tuesday of MY young, glamorous life. John Kerry's stunning upset over George W. Bush had me up until the wee hours, biting my nails at first until Florida and Michigan and Pennsylvania came in blue.

My jaw hung open when they called Texas for Kerry, followed by North Carolina and Tennessee. After that, I wasted no time diving into the case of Chateau Lafitte I'd been saving for just such an occasion. Kerry looked so presidential when he gave his victory speech. That man can pick out a tie. As anyone could have predicted, Bush simpered and smirked and screwed up a Yogi Berra quote, something along the lines of "The over it ain't." At some point my head hit the coffee table.

I just don't know what I would have done if John Kerry did not win this election. Probably I would have continued to think about my hair, or I might have ordered a bubble tea. Oh well, now I no longer have to retain any conscience or political awareness at all!

Yet I am puzzled that the morning papers have absolutely no coverage of this momentous event. And talk of the Red Sox and their thrilling series victory also seems to have faded. Stranger still, when I went to my shrink appointment, he seemed utterly unaware of Daylight Savings Time, and told me I was too late for my appointment. Oh well, the stupid little creatures of nature don't bother me now that we are free from the perilous scourge of four more years of totalitarian rule. Did Daylight Savings Time get cancelled this year? I seem to have totally missed the Today show. I was really wondering what Al Roker thought about all of this.

(edit: This is what happens when someone staggers drunkenly into the time machine, their fingers still sticky from gummi bears! Licketysplit is now vomiting in the pines somwhere in the catskills, 1947. I have no idea where she plans to spend her hangover- Havana, perhaps? So you must all still VOTE, and save the planet and all that. A Rush and a Push and the Land we stand on is Ours. It has been before, so it shall be again!-lc)

Posted 10:38 AM by Licketysplit

Melvin -in- Voyage au bout de la nuit



En Afrique j'avais en effet trouvé un genre suffisamment épouvantable de solitude mais l'isolement de ce tas américain de fourmi était plus se brisant.

(In Africa I had indeed found a sufficiently frightful kind of loneliness but the isolation of this American ant heap was even more shattering.)

Posted 9:10 AM by Licketysplit

A Room of One's Own



Well, at last the flaming bricks of poo have done sailing through my window. It is probably a wise policy to keep company with those who basically like and respect you. I have freely dispensed this advice to others, and now I should heed it myself. There must be people out there with Standards! The ideal match for me would like art, makeup, mirrors, martinis, and sarcasm. I need a gay roommate! Why did I not think of this before?!

The replies so far run the usual C'list gamut of desperate men looking for dates, and some actual people with rooms to let. One of these called himself "journeymanpoet" and offered not so much a room, but a "lifestyle change" involving no meat, sex, drink, or drugs. Why he contacted *me* is beyond ridiculous and I pointed that out and wished him luck. Mr. Crunchy then wrote BACK to me to implore me to consider allowing him to "emancipate me from my cynicism". LORDY, is the internet fun! I offered to emancipate him from his weedy gonads and suggested he add "no Wit" to his list, and he has fortunately not contacted me again.

The piece de resistance was the mail I received this morning, from an actual gay man, with a gorgeous and roomy house, who used a charming turn of phrase to ask me if my listed rent was fixed. I replied that I never thought a gay man woudl ask me if I was "tight"! This match made in our own bitter and well-dressed heaven, is only disturbed by the fact that the location is not convenient for me. Sigh. Maybe I will still angle for an invitation for mousse- he has already begun to tell me about his love life.

-xo

Posted 1:21 PM by Lambchop

Silence is Sexy

It seems that I am the only person this week who has not talked about me on the Internet. Yes, the Internet has decided I am evil. I just want to thank everyone for having taken the time out of what must be very hectic schedules to weigh in with their opinions on the subject of ME, especially all you folks in Milwaukee and Wisconsin! Anyway, I have been silent through the affair, but I thought it was about time that I talk about me, too.



This is my pal Echo, who I have had the good fortune to spend time with lately. We trade drawings, and we talk about Barbie and imaginary sharks. She knows the old adage about throwing stones. And boy does she have a good arm! She is truly a prodigy, and I would wish for her she would never see how ugly people can be. But she also understands that while you don't have to be friends with them, Ugly people must be tolerated!

-xo

Posted 7:58 PM by Lambchop

We let you live?

Autumn brings dismal things. Hence, a new layout. I call this one "Young Poisoner." Lambchop calls it "Some like it hot."

Posted 6:50 PM by Licketysplit

Can't Stand Us Now

I have spent this morning frantically paging my ethicist, my analyst, and my ghostwriter, but they are all getting herbal wraps together. My personal chef is off today, and I had to make my own breakfast (I had a popsicle). What manner of torment does the Lord plan for me next?

You see, I am blocked. B-l-o-c-k-e-d. You're a blockhead, Charlie Brown. No, it's not something my colon therapist could fix -- I am the picture of health in that department, thank you for asking. I just can't finish a design to save my life. This has never happened before. My patented formula of waiting until the last minute and then being filled with divine inspiration has failed me miserably. I am used to being a person with Answers, but I seem to have killed my inner Lucy Van Pelt. Was it because I switched to Splenda? Upgraded to Creative Suite? Stopped drinking as much? I want you back, Know-It-All. Abuh buh buh buh. All I want! Abuh buh buh buh. All I need! You hot bitch.

In other news, Netflix is sidling up to me, swearing it will all be different this time. I wrote them a cordial reply, stating that I will happily sign up again if they invent 36-hour days and start stocking shitloads of porn. I hate you, Netflix. You mock me.

Speaking of mocking, I watched the TV show "Biggest Loser" the other night, wherein a group of tubby people are chained to treadmills and fed nothing but Vitamin Water. The person who loses the most weight gets some kind of prize. I think. I don't know, because I glazed over during all those slow mo shots of roiling seas of fat running or doing pull-ups or whatnot. They also tempt the participants with trays of treats. I was thinking "It's like Heather and I finally sold a TV show!" Sure, it's deplorable exploitation, but it's nice to know our demographic is finally "in." I also get sick of those home makeover shows where they let unstylish people return to showplace manses, so I was thinking "they should really also fix these poor, ill-coiffed troglodytes before they are allowed to touch those Corian countertops." And what do you know, FOX went and came up with "Make Over My Family." They bulldoze the house, and everyone gets highlights and an under-the-sea themed bedroom. About ding-dang time. Stop reading my mind, television. Just stop.

My next decree: Extreme Makeover candidates should not have to go home to ugly loved ones, as keeping company with ugly people only drags one down. The surprise reveal will include everyone in the family getting teeth veneers and butt lifts, right down to the house pets. If this turns up on the air, I would like a whopping check.

Posted 8:53 AM by Licketysplit

Time after time



Today we reach a milestone in the Vomitorium: Our 500th post. Even Seinfeld didn't make it to 500 episodes! It is only fitting, that as a blog about nothing, we go the distance. This one's for you, Larry David.

Looking back on the past year and a half or so, we are humbled. All the hairstyles we've tried, all the candy necklaces eaten, all the gumjobs gummed. It's staggering. To say nothing of the flailing. And as Connected Americans, we've done all of this while physically attached to each other. This is no small feat considering we live about twenty miles apart and enjoy traveling to other continents alone. Where is our genius grant?

As a convenience to our loyal readers, we've made a wee timeline detailing some of the hightlights of the past 499 posts.

>> View the timeline

Here's hoping the next 500 violate you just as vilely. Remember, WE LET YOU LIVE.

Posted 1:50 PM by Licketysplit

Baby I Can Drive Your Car



I have returned from Berlin, and there stood Helen behind the velvet rope at the airport, holding up a sign that said "Morrissey!" It's a good thing she was there as a witness, because this trawl through the airport has me not only convinced that ugly people have lives, and problems, and pay car insurance, they also go on vacations! Apparently, you can be possessed of a face full of chancres and still zip off to Amsterdam for a Holiday. (and they let you in!) Mouth-breathers with harelips still pack off to St. Tropez. The human spirit is astonishing, ladies and gentleman.

I have not even unpacked or taken my new iBook for a spin (Helen made the Morrisseydance my wallpaper!). 'Ere I landed, I had to go back to work, and then off to shoot a scene for the My Little Pain in the Ass Movie. I arrive at the set and try not to think of the month's worth of laundry that I need to do, the giant overflowing suitcase in the middle of my bed, the slides that need to be catalogued, the work that needs to be photographed with my new camera, the new biography I have to write for my gallery website, or the emails yet to send to notify Berlin that I arrived safely. Yes, I thought of none of those things. Good. Then the director tells me that in this scene I have to Drive. A Car. Yes, Drive. A Car. Everyone knows that I do not know how to drive a car! Everyone who has ever helped me move, or travel or go grocery shopping. Hell, even the Liberal State of Massachusetts knows that I can't drive. I know this is as rare as an individual who has never eaten a hamburger at McDonalds. How did I reach the age of thirty without learning to drive? How did I miss this teenage right of passage? Like a lot of privileges of youth, it just slipped me by. Anyway, I took a cast of three careening down a dark street, screeching to a halt to dump a bloody man out, and tearing off shrieking with mirth. The fact that I needed to be shown where the gas and the brake pedal are, made this rather easy to do. We are going for realistic terror here, people!

So I may be tired, my manicure ragged, and things in general disarray, but I drove a car. Maybe I will even apply for a permit.

In between takes, I got to peer at the debate. I am chagrined to see that Bush has polished up his act enough to appear "likeable" and "compassionate", so that Middle America will not think about the fact that this is a man unconcerned with the pileups of corpses, who has declared his feeling that captaining a dictatorship would make it easier for him to "get stuff done." But how much can you really polish a turd? Kerry proved once again that he has a working knowledge of government and an awareness of such impenetrable concepts as human rights (for non-whites!) No matter how much we plead for sanity here at Vomitola, some of you are going to vote for a criminal regime with your own little flag waving hearts. Be our guest.

However, DO NOT VOTE FOR NADER OR WE WILL COME AND FIND YOU. We realize here that a healthy democracy means we have to break this two party jamboree. But the third candidate on the ballot this year exists only as a symbol of that fact. What is more crucial to the vitality of our freedoms, and the right to life of others--a symbolic move toward multiple party elections in the United States, or a Bush-free White House? We leave that for you to determine.*

*we know where you live.

-xo
lambchop

Posted 1:15 PM by Lambchop

Go straight to hell boys



My friends, I am a hateful American. I've got rage in my heart, even supplanting the usual lust. Last night I sat around with Lambchop and Midsentence and Mr. H, and we tried to sloganeer something in witty opposition to the slew of yellow ribbons floating around on cars around these parts. If by some miracle you haven't seen one, they are all a variation on the wording "Support Our Troops," and the most prevalent design features an elaborate script font that one must view from about two inches away to parse.

So what do these affronts to graphic design actually mean? We thought "I don't want anyone else to suffer or die as part of the specious war on terror, and I hope the troops get home safely very soon, and I'd like everyone to take a moment and hope their tax dollars are being spent in the most judicious manner to ensure all this safety" would be too long for a bumper sticker. Of course what everyone really means is exactly what is depicted on the button above, from the delightfully wicked Whitehouse.org. My cause is holier than your cause.

It really is hard to know what to do with oneself when larger doings are afoot. There are no victory gardens or scrap drives, but you can send a random soldier a $79 gift basket of peppermint foot lotion via Treats for Troops. I can only imagine it would be well-appreciated, but somehow it borders on insulting. Here's some Halloween candy, how is it in Hell? Have all the people with those magnets on their cars sent a soldier lip balm, sunscreen, or baby wipes? Phone cards or batteries? Are they contributing to funds to equip housing for newly disabled soldiers with wheelchair ramps? Perhaps babysitting so an overwhelmed military spouse dealing with a deployment of a partner can go grocery shopping? Did they do anything besides slap that sucker on the car and feel better for 5 whole minutes? Maybe they donated a Gmail address.

I wish I had the answers. I think I know one thing most of us can do on November 2, but that won't suddenly introduce logical thinking to the country as a whole, no matter who wins.

This morning at the grocery store, I was behind a man with a Bush button on his collar. The bagger in this line clearly has Down Syndrome, and he is always very efficient and pleasant despite the wave of people who pretend he doesn't exist every day. He noticed the man's button, and said "Oh, so you're for the president then." The man smiled and said he was, and left, saying "Support those troops!" The bagger muttered under his breath "I'm for Kerry!" I said "Hey, me too," and he beamed and asked if I planned to watch the debate tonight. I said I did even though I had made up my mind already, and he said "It's good to know what's going on in the world."

No shit. Then he told me store brand ice cream is actually made by Breyers. Also good to know!

Posted 1:53 PM by Licketysplit

Has the Perrier Gone Straight to My Head?



I have been working very hard in the manner of Jane, Get me off this crazy thing. The subjects for the portraits I have been comissioned to do showed up at my apartment on Friday afternoon. And I Morrisseyed day and night and finished the two pictures on Saturday. Which is like some kind of record for me. I wanted to be finished in time for my dear friend Smilla's birthday extravaganza on Saturday night. With my work finished, and my mind awhirl, I was ready to get good and Awesome. The party had sort of a sixties theme so I secured a cylidrical structure to my head and sprayed and spackled my hair over it. Now that my hair has gotten so long, topiary is possible. Next time I will sculpt a giraffe.

I made everyone dance to an extended version of Crimson and Clover.

Sunday in Berlin, the clothes, the cafe brunches, and VIKTOR, Berlin's most beautiful man. I went to my favorite fleamarket in dem Arkunerplatz, and I knew I was at his table before I even saw him, by the character of the clothes on the rack. He was dallying somewhere, but as I turned over one chic-y micky seventies dress after another, I knew his dirty smile and snarky glint could not be far. I wait all year for my five minutes to bask in Viktor on a Sunday. Sure enough, he is there to tell someone with a fleeting eyeroll that they look amazing and to say hello to "well, everyone...all those....people". Everyone is a so-and-so next to Viktoriano. Of course for the fifth year running I am too shy to say much more than hello to the coolest cat around. One day I will get his picture, do a portrait. Put a lock of his hair in the secret drawer of an old clock, right next to the gold threaded swatch of Morrissey's shirt from 1989.

Or something insane like that.

A second look at the paintings tells me I should do a little more work on one before I present them to the client tomorrow night. And five drawings still to do for the Kunst Ring.

Wish me luck, Morrissey!


-xo

Posted 11:01 AM by Lambchop

I could sense the hate/of the lonestar state/And a small voice said, "What can we do?"



Some blatant propaganda:

Are you registered to vote? It may not be too late.

TV Station Reports that Bush Has Been Elected President, via an unnamed friend who refuses to confront his obesity.

Talking heads, scary because it's true. Via another unnamed friend who hates work more than I do. I particularly like the part in this where they say "turrurists" like they are auditioning to do backup in a Nelly song.

Congressman Marty Meehan (5th district, D, MA) is sponsoring a petition against consideration of a military draft.

Finally, after you watch tonight's debate, why not stumble over to FactCheck.org to do more research?

Posted 1:06 PM by Licketysplit

Stretch Out and Wait



I made it alive to Berlin, despite Northwestern Airlines' steadfast efforts to kill me. They offered a tray full of dumpster trailings for my dinner, and a thimble for my drink. This shallow potable must have been meant for the infant three rows back, who squalled interminably without his mother's little helper. I long for days when "leave the bottle" actually meant something. I implore you all to fly British Airways and enjoy a hot Korma and some cognac. Next time I find myself in the cheap seats, I will pack a rag soaked with ether. I won't say for whom.

Anyway, Morrissey, I find myself in dem Vaterland, with my work cut out for me. I have been engaged to do several drawings for an organization that will reproduce them en masse to sell at their bookstore. In looking through the brochure from past years, I see that there are many prominent artists taking part. Apparently one of the organizers saw my work in the gallery, and asked for my grafik. I can hardly wait to get started, and will fill a small biplane with the results, and rain them o'er the land!

My second task is to paint two portraits by Monday. Yes, that is a terrifying three days from now. I met my subjects today and they are lovely, fresh-faced little things, so I am not too worried (this is a lie-ed.)

By Morrissey, I had a lovely day though! Before my meeting in the gallery, I was free to roam about town and it was a lovely autumn day. I had a superb lunch in a french cafe. For seven dollars I got soup, salad, a lamb ragout, and some glazed pear slices. All served in those appropriate dollops that leave you feeling sated but not stuffed like an armchair.

I restocked my studio here this evening, and have the evening free to drink wine and wait for the first sitting tomorrow. So ignore all the codes of the day, let your juvenile impulses swaaaay....

-xo

Posted 10:41 AM by Lambchop

Nothing appears to be between the ears of the lazy sunbathers



If it's Wednesday, it must be Morrissey. Did you see those debates last night? Morrissey. Some people mistake Dick Cheney's specious gyrations for actual intelligence. I suppose he is intelligent, in that evil-living-in-a-hollowed-out-volcano way. Until the past few weeks, I was under the impression that debates involved answering a question and proving why one's answer is superior using cogent reasoning and sparkling wit. I am so pleased to be unburdened of this notion. No more making sense for me, Morrissey.

Lambchop is in Berlin today, and she has vowed to never Morrissey anything but British Airways or Air France again. I believe someone munged up her cocktail order. Then, when she accidentally dropped her Valium down the seat, it was snatched and eaten by a greedy infant stowed in the row behind her. She will be bringing you a full dispatch tomorrow, auf Deutsch!

Posted 3:04 PM by Licketysplit

You're the one for me, Fatty!



(N.B.: this review of Vomitola's attendance at last night's Morrissey show is a joint effort. Lambchop begins, and Licketysplit answers in turn, to form a vibrant tapestry of nonsense.)

"Morrissey!" glittered red bulbed letters ten feet high, spread the width of the stage. Helen and I were there, wielding our bicycle chains. Sadly, our level-headed dates would not allow us to whale the tar out of the drunken administrative assistant who teetered in the aisle before us, warbling into her cellphone. She ended up careening over her seat to the tune of "There is a Light that Never Goes Out." Lights out for some, I daresay! Morrissey!

We have Standards and Opinions on things, as you all know. The verdict on Morrissey? We let him live! Especially in that dashing red shirt. Did you know he has Opinions too? His sweat stains spelled out "DOWN WITH BREATHING."

How we wept and kicked over our chairs when he sang Some Girls are Bigger than Others. We tore off our clothes when he trilled "Condoleeeeeeza." How soon is Now, Morrissey?!?

Well, about 27 days. Massachusetts, your deadline for registering to vote is October 13th. But I digress. This switching between people to write thing is confusing. Let it be known that after the show we shared a Vitamin Water with Morrissey backstage, and found him to be the perfect partner for debating the finer points of driving moccasins. He finally pleaded exhaustion and packed us off with a gift basket filled with aromatherapy eye pillows and hot pepper chocolates.

It was dark as I drove the point home. In the taxi, I got some in pepper in my eye, and it really stung. If only we, too, could sing our lives!

Posted 2:17 PM by Licketysplit

Welcome Back to the Future



Well it was a glittery two weeks of vacation in 1982. I was there for the unveiling of Diet Coke! What I never realized at the time is how much the Japanese loved Joanie Loves Chachi. Then I found out that in Japanese, "chachi" means penis. Joanie really does love Chachi.

My alma mater, Yale, was running a 14 week course on how to solve Rubik's Cube. I had just bought all my course materials (1 Rubik's Cube) when I remembered that I have a ticket to go see Morrissey with Licketysplit in 2004! And then I have to leave for Berlin, to do a portrait comission.

Blast, I did not have time to shag either David Bowie or Peter Murphy! I did however, manage a trek over to my old neighborhood, where I saw myself at age 9, tottering around on those white skates with the metal wheels and a faceful of Crayola makeup. I fought back tears at the sight of my own manic little face, and I whispered "don't go swimming with sunglasses." I didn't think it would be too interfering to spare myself *that* much loss!

So here I am in 2004, trying to brush out the crimp in my hair. Who wants a souveneir copy of Toto IV?

-xo

ps. Morrissey Morrissey Morrissey!

Posted 10:16 AM by Lambchop

War of the Worlds

There was a great hubbub on the airwaves last night, and we at Vomitola feel it is only fitting to comment on the news of the day.

However, Lambchop is still relaxing in 1982, and I am rather agitated because my cleaning ladies are late. So, momentito (I am practicing my Spanish to better yell at them), we have tapped two of our staff writers for astute commentary.

Be sure to scroll down for Thelma Haney, an undecided voter from Epsom, Indiana. Below Thelma's take, we turn it over to Melvin, a callous beagle, for counterpoint.

Posted 1:20 PM by Licketysplit

Point: Some Plain Speaking About Our Men Candidates
by Thelma Haney



Well, folks, I am very happy to report to you after the first of our Great Debates. I hung Old Glory out on my front porch, and I made lots of sandwiches with American cheese. But let me tell you it sure don't make it easier for the undecided voter. I admit to favoring our President a bit at the outset, because he is our leader, and he talks plain, just like we do down at Rosie's parlor. Sometimes I feel like we could be his cabinet! Me and the girls were all down there this morning early as you please to get a set and talk it over. John Kerry is such a high falootin Grumpy Gus. Mr. Bush reminds me of my pappy when he would drop his dentures into a glass of Jim beam and read us "The Three Billy Goats Gruff", or my cousin Lydon who, god bless him, fell out of a tree on his head. After the accident, he became the kind of thoughtful and plain speaking type, always taking a nice , long pause to collect his thoughts, nostrils flarin' like a steer. Sometimes I thought he was just wool-gatherin' but eventually he would give a piece of his mind, like our President to King Kong of North Korea! You can talk to China, we are Not Interested! Oh now it's me that's wool-gathering!

Anyway, it touches my heart how both men have such nice families. Did you see John Kerry kiss his wife? You could tell they are truly in love! And when I think of that poor Kerry boy in Vietnam, as a mother my heart breaks. I just can't decide who the better captain of our troops would be. Ella May said there are other things to consider in electing a leader besides "a military bent", but she is only saying that because she is rich and has no children. I secretly think she donates money to environmentalists, which as we all know is just domestic terror. Well we hashed it all out, and we decided it was simply the "wrong place, wrong time" and we would wait and see what happens in the next debate. I am going to hang some bunting around my porch and bake a red white and blue bundt cake like I see here on the back of this box of Betty Crocker. Which makes me think, I wish we could get these Yale boys to square-off in a chili cook-off! All the yapping can be so hard to follow, but I sure do know when a chili tastes right!

God Bless,
Thel Haney

Posted 1:12 PM by Lambchop

Counterpoint: The Family Idiot

by Melvin, a beagle



The toiling masses with their burdens and effluvia need not decide my personal liberties.

Making mistakes and learning from one's decisions is only natural for humanity, but the sad fact is that we are beleagured by sub-humans. Their hollow cries for vengeance jar my ear, just as a wine that has soured rapes the palate. Ignore their talk, straight from Bedlam.

Posted 11:55 AM by Licketysplit