It must be jelly, cuz jam don't shake like that

My friend Jim has informed me that its peanut butter jelly time, as they say.



Tonight its Lambchop on toast. I am going to wriggle into a slinky something for the Nick Cave show. Then to an after-party. Its on a boat. See, I told you I would not be averse to a cocktail on Nick's yacht. I wish you could come, Lickety, you have such a way on the docks! My only goal for the evening is not to get so drunk that I am falling down and acting like a retard. Like most Saturday nights.

xo

Posted 9:03 AM by Lambchop

Better off dead

This week is not going so hot.

But on to a much more cheerful topic than workaday doings: death!

On Monday I went to a wake for someone I didn?t even know (extended extended family of Mr. H). I had to fake Catholic or risk looking like some kind of disrespectful jerk. I come from a family that never even attempted any religious affiliation. I was never baptized, and Christmas was distilled to the purest form of commerce. Presents were half-heartedly wrapped in non-Christmas paper, stacked on the couch, and marked with a note that read "from 'Santa.'" Luckily I went to an Episcopal high school, so at least I know most of the words to all the top 5 prayers.

So I crossed to the left, I crossed to the right, I bobbed, weaved, mouthed a Hail Mary here and there. I got blessed by Officer Nightstick, er, Father Buzz Cut. This guy was right out of a Tom of Finland illo, verrrry studly. When in Rome, right?

The most awkward part was the kneeler at the casket. I?d made it through the grieving receiving line, trying to be as supportive as could be given that I?d never met the ol? gal. So there I was, next to Mr. H, with an actual dead person right at eye level. I am not particularly upset by death, but I did note that if I am ever to be displayed in death, I would like to make sure my nails are painted. Preferably She-dragon red. It?s just like women and sunscreen: they always forget to do the hands. Anyway, I beamed good thoughts to Auntie So and So, complimenting her well-highlighted ?do and the grace under pressure displayed by her many comely grand children, and my sweetie nudged me onwards.

?What are you supposed to do up there?? I asked him later.
?Oh, I usually just say an Our Father to get the timing right.? So there you have it. I think my solution was aces too.

I have decided that my own coffin will be lined with white fun fur and equipped with a sun lamp in the roof, and I will be sporting a bikini. Lambchop said, ?I want an open-toe casket!? So even in final repose, we mustn't neglect our pedicure. Tropical drinks will be served. Nothing like a little Harry Belafonte to lighten the mood. Coconut shrimp on skewers, bacon wrapped scallops. Mm-mm. Everyone must compliment their neighbor's attire and say one nice thing about me.

?She always flossed.?
?She could rip out checks without tearing them.?
"She really liked cheese."

Thus shall be my legacy, thus it is written.

xxoo

Posted 12:23 PM by Licketysplit

An Everlasting Love

Every girl should feel like they are loved by the sexiest man on the planet. It makes this filthy city a thing of beauty, and her sandwich taste better. If you are not doing it for your girl, try sweeping her into your arms, and whispering to her:

Andy Gibb Haiku

Everlasting Love
It's so Tall, so Wide, so High
I won't make you blue.



xo

Posted 8:14 AM by Lambchop

Whore-tastic!








I really have to give the casting director of my dreams a raise. Not only do I have frightful nightmares that feature Christopher Walken, but last night I dreamt I was hanging out with a couple of prostitutes, played by Beverly D'Angelo and Ellen Barkin. It must be all that time I have been spending lately, hanging out with prostitutes. I aim to pick up some tips on how to pull off sleaze with aplomb when I hit 40.

xo

Posted 2:17 PM by Lambchop

mmm...Bea

In honor of the lovely Dorothy dreams of our own flasher master, licketysplit.



Note: this is a painting by Art Star John Currin, who continues to be one of my favorite contemporary painters. We studied in the same Institution, and I hope to out fame him someday!

xo

Posted 8:56 PM by Lambchop

Take the skinheads bowling



I like to bowl even though I am not very good at it. What other sport encourages you to drink beer and knock things over? The Disco Bowl in Kreuzberg is where its at! My team was horsing around and bowling a strictly average game over tall glasses of Schultheiss. In the next lane was a man called Crocodile, with one good and one malformed arm. Crocodile was bowling alone, and he held the ball up with his stump, throwing one strike after another, spinning the ball from left to right. Shazzam!

My shoes were brand new, red and blue. Very Sharp. I would have pinched them but I don't do that anymore (though I did knick this photo from art frahm). I set a sterling example to be sure.

xo

Posted 9:21 AM by Lambchop

Achtung!

How eagerly we await the imminent return of the Licketysplit! I have word that she is hanging her coonskin cap back on its peg, packing up her weasels and heading back up North. But I have not been privy to further details of her whitewashing of fences or sailing wooden rafts down the muddy crick. I will know she is coming when I hear the clack of her stick, spinning the wagon wheel as she saunters, shoeless, back to town.

xo

Posted 6:38 PM by Lambchop

Seasick, yet still docked...



Dear Kitty Winn,

I have a hangover the size of a Buick Espace. The I-hate-myself-maybe-I-ought-to-hang-myself kind. What should I do?

-drowning girl

Dear Drowning,

I hope you are not waiting for word from Kitty before you begin to introduce your body to water! You clearly need copious amounts of it. In fact, go sit in some. And while you are there, look to your arsenal of skin and hair products for your redemptive ablutions. Once you are soft, warm, and lightly scented, you will begin to love yourself again. Unless you are horribly unloveable, in which case neither Kitty nor Sephora can help you and you should probably fix yourself another drink as quickly as possible. Hair of the Dog, as they say!

Most importantly, do not despair! If Kitty thought of topping herself everytime she woke up dry mouthed in a spinning room with her boots still on, she would be as tiresome as a Smiths-loving teenager. You're going to have to take this on the chin, love.

cheers,
Kitty Winn

Posted 10:18 AM by Lambchop

Super Sexy Bingo



Once a month I troll on out to the SO36, where david and iggy pop used to make the scene and probably do terrible things in the bathrooms. I save my pennies to attend the gaudy glitter of their bingo night, hosted by two cynical transvestites. My favorite is the platinum wigged Kitty Carell, with the fake and charming Holland accent. If you dare to win, you are summoned to the stage where your person, dress, and manner are subject to ridicule by the witty and poisonous ladies. Even the prizes (donated by neighboring shops, and drawn by the winners themselves) seem to mock you! A crocodile handbag goes to the mannish lesbian. A tome about American Indians is handed to the young, bouncy boobala who is waving chirpily to her boyfriend. Kitty casually disdains them all, and coos with self-love.

A girl after our own twisted and glamorous hearts!

xo

(special note to Licketysplit when she returns from her washboard lessons: avoid the squirrel stew and the cherry kiafa. Virginny always wreaks havoc on your poor gizzard!)

Posted 9:32 AM by Lambchop

Woe is we!

Our dear Licketysplit is on the road to Richmond. Even as we speak, she might be squaredancing the living room of her mammy and pappy. Let's hope she brings back a confederate flag like the one we stole from the grave of Gen. Matthew Fontaine Maury. Come to think of it, that was a fruitful expedition- on that same trip, we also stole a Mars Attacks! poster from a D.C. subway platform.

How I can make up for her temporary absence is unclear. Perhaps I will have to resort to posting nudie pics!

Oh, and listen to this song
xo

Posted 2:14 PM by Lambchop

Une immersion horrible



Avec un mélange d'horreur et de curiosité, j'ai observé la putain ivre se jeter dans la Seine. Sa échine redoutable, une bouche pour des façons d'untold de la mort, et coeur de consommation ne sont pas plus.

With a mixture of horror and curiosity, I watched the drunken whore hurl herself into the Seine. Her dreadful loins, a maw for untold manners of death, and consumptive heart are no more

Posted 10:33 AM by Lambchop

Journey to the New World

I wish I could get Irish Backs of Steele to transport my meager belongings across the Atlantic for a few coppers! A solid week of sifting through my possessions and staring balefully at the mounting collection of boxes has caused me to convert the half of it to garbage bags. Who needs Stuff anyway?

Me, that's who! Me! Me!

Don't worry, lads and lasses of the Colonies, I will not be disposing of anything particularly fetching. I will be living under that bridge in the Common. And as Mother always admonished Father, "Just because you are a Bum, is no excuse to dress like That!" Surely I won't be a public nuisance for long. One of you fine folk are bound to fill my biscuit barrel with cash, in return for me doing mostly nothing. My resume is lined with fascinating and useless items! I am trained in falafel making and creative napkin folds. I am also a skilled liar. Opportunities abound!

Lambchop and Licketysplit used to rule the Boston airwaves, lollipops in hand. Lickety, while I search for my passport and try to match up my socks, do be a dear and find something else for us to rule. Or at least someone to lord it over.

xo

Posted 9:17 AM by Lambchop

Public service

Lately we've been mulling over the fact that, for the foolish, crime just does not pay. Everywhere you look, there's some poor chump getting hauled off to the pokey. People leave evidence in plain sight, can?t seem to get their stories straight. From Makeshift Chambers of Horror to the obvious purloining of panties, we are awash in incompetence. Why, your lie is as plain as the nose on your face! Do you ever wonder "How's a poor maroon like me supposed to make a dishonest living these days?"

We?re sick and tired of bungled dirty dealings, and we've enlisted a professional to help our readers: Enter Stella Nuance, the amoral Ann Landers, the deceitful Dear Abby, the Heloise of heinousness. Must we disturb the peace with our horrid proclivities? Stella says "No!"



An open letter to Heidi Erickson, Beacon Hill Cat Lady

Ok, doll, here?s the scoop. Your business, while admirably fiendish, is simply not sustainable. Did you really think you wouldn?t get banned from Boston with a strategy that includes animals that expire so quickly? Boston?s a small town, and people have big yaps. Nothing better to do than flap their gums about your putrid pussies. The key is to move around. Try Reno, it?s a dry heat.

You definitely went wrong with your choice of venue. Why pick a small apartment in a highly populated ritzy neighborhood? You could have rented a whole triple decker in Roxbury for that kind of scratch, installed bank vault doors, sound proofing, and spritzed the whole place up and down with Skin So Soft. No one would been the wiser, and the police don?t even GO to that neighborhood. Hell, you could have even had a little shed out back.

So your choice for a lair was iffy. But you could have still pulled it off if you didn?t get lazy and stack those frozen peas in front of Princess Patty Paw. The Charles River is mere blocks away. It works for disposing of the corpses of crack whores and show cats alike! Don?t forget, weight them down! Failing that, you should have scored some embalming equipment and those pull-out morgue drawers if you really needed to keep those things around. No posh chamber of horrors is without such niceties. Or what about taxidermy? "That's not a criminal mishap, that?s just Fluffy!"

Finally, when cornered by the authorities, don?t ever represent yourself! If you can?t get Johnnie Cochran, so what, even a public defender knows when to sit down and stand up. For cryin? out loud, go get a haircut, a smart suit, and shut your pie hole. Lose the pancake makeup, it makes you look like you have something to hide. No one likes a frumpy villainess. Didn?t you see Chicago? Christ. I can see I have my work cut out.

Mum's the word,
-Stella

Posted 4:18 PM by Licketysplit

Bodies in motion

Is this week over yet? We done been busy. Our Lambchop is preparing for a transcontinental move in a few weeks, and I'll be moving from Hip, Happenin' Boston to thickly settled Somerville on Monday. Needless to say, we are thrilled to be able to rampage around the greater Boston area together again. It's been a while! We've readied little director's chairs and megaphones, and we'll be donning puffy directing pants to bring all sorts of exciting developments to Vomitola.

In other news, my trusty G4 bit the dust, and after a full day of pissing, moaning, and the horrors of single user mode and trying to remember unix commands, I finally gave up and installed Jaguar overtop of the existing OSX soup. At least I saved my MP3s and my "Cover My Ass" file! But now everything is ship shape. Because you care.

Finally, the Beacon Hill Cat Lady is at it again. This Boston Herald article, Fur bawl: Cat woman: I'm not nuts, I just miss my kitty clan, should prove illuminating. People DO start to look like their pets! Her other Makeshift Chamber of Horrors was raided, and 52 cats were removed. There's a sidebar on that article listing all past coverage. I'd just like to point out that they said "Deja mew."

xxoo

Posted 8:20 AM by Licketysplit

Up, up and away

Why is it so freaking hard to rent an elephant in Boston? I have a wedding to plan. I was really peeved to learn that I could have had my wedding at the Franklin Park Zoo, next to the African Wild Dog Exhibit for a mere $1500. I want a do-over. I'm just sucking it up and renting a Moon Bounce instead. I can't decide between the Econo Kastle or the Pirate Fun Bounce. Seriously, if anyone out there in reader/stalker land knows where to find an itinerant elephant in New England, lemme know.

Posted 6:43 PM by Licketysplit

Les orages de la fortune



L'attrait de la sirène me laisse avec rien mais l'amertume.

(The lure of the siren leaves me with nothing but bitterness.)

Posted 5:22 PM by Licketysplit

Emprisonné



l'âme de chaque homme est une prison, la terre, un régal de la corruption et de la dégradation.

Every man's soul is a prison. The earth, a feast of corruption and degradation.

Posted 7:52 AM by Lambchop

Summer in Berlin...its alright



A Japanese garden just opened in a park in Marzahn. It was very lovely- there were stepping stones for you to cross the little brooks and raked gravel to appear as a pool with swirling eddies where there was actually no water. Unfortunately, it was Sunday, so I could not take a photo that would not include a bunch of East Germans in it. That is not an example of an East German, that is a frog. There was a pond full of them out front. They were talking a lot. They were saying, "Damn, its hot here."



Prost!

Posted 7:20 AM by Lambchop

Just...ew

Some of you have asked for more information about the "Beacon Hill Cat Lady," Heidi Erickson. Local papers have quite a few articles detailing her bizarre streak of litigation and run-ins with past landlords and neighbors. Now she wants to get her frozen dead cats back, in case she needs to clone them. I walked by that apartment building every day for the past nine months or so and never noticed anything. Ironically, an upscale pet boutique, Fi-Dough, is also housed in that building. They are not affiliated with the cat lady in any way, and they leave free dog treats in a basket outside the door for the many people walking pets through the neighborhood. Just makes you wonder how many "makeshift chambers of horror" you walk by every day.

Since we are a two-paper town, I'm going to include both Boston Herald and Globe articles, for funny headline comparisons. See if you can guess which is which!

May 2, Cat-alog of complaints: Woman rips purr-loining of immortal mousers, Cat Breeder Fails to Appear at City Hearing
May 1, Beacon Hill cat lady files suit over police raid of apartment
April 30, Impurrfect tenant: Cat woman creates stink, Cat Breeder, Neighbors Often Clashed
April 29, Inspectors find cat 'graveyard' in apartment

This would be a great time to rant about people who feel the need to buy purebred animals, but I haven't got that got kind of energy, and I'm sure no one cares. I know you all secretly want teacup poodles to fit in your Marc Jacobs tote. Basically if a breeder won't let you come tour their facilities (which a man in one of the articles reported), that's a huge red flag. Obviously this woman had some kind of a market for her attempts to build a better mousetrap. Look, I could write for the #$@! Boston Herald.

Posted 12:59 PM by Licketysplit

Bangin' Barbie

Making Barbie screw Ken is a game most 9 year olds play- its the music here that really gets me (and the tattoo!).

thanks onge!

xo

Posted 8:09 AM by Lambchop

Bermuda triangulations

Dear Kitty Winn,

I just got out of a relationship, and have been playing the field, so to speak. My question is, whatever happened to pubic hair?! All of the young women of my recent acquaintance have either had none, or the most miniscule of landing strips. And they weren't even strippers!

-just curious

Dear Curious,

So let Kitty get this straight, you've just been allowed back onto the field after a time out, and you're going to complain about the length of the grass? Kitty simply cannot believe this impudence! A penalty flag is in order! Would you prefer astro turf?

Kitty is also perplexed by your wording...by "young women," Kitty assumes you mean damsels of your same age, ostensibly adult. You wouldn't by any chance be trolling grade school yards or anything of that nature? Because that might account for your findings right there.

Antipodean grooming is really a terribly personal choice. Kitty has heard of the Brazilian this, the Flemish that, even the Flying Swede, and while she may not personally buy in, who is Kitty to tell anyone what to do?

*Kitty unleashes a tinkling peal of laughter*

At any rate, a true lady should never reveal these delicate areas to anyone not prepared to fully appreciate them, no matter what the state of the flower bed. If you were more successful pitching your woo, you might convince a lass to leave a few weeds on the lawn. Until you are able to sustain an intimate relationship, Kitty suggests that you purchase a copy of the oirginal version of The Joy of Sex if the hirsute are your thing. Now trouble Kitty no more, you insolent snip!

Taxiing to Runway 3,
-Kitty

Posted 5:36 PM by Licketysplit

Sonnenblume



Vacay inspired me to paint a sunburned chickie today.

xo

Posted 2:01 PM by Lambchop

Bauhaus-o-Rama







I spent the last day of my tour in Dessau, where I visited Walter Gropius' famous Bauhaus School. The building is amazing. I stood on the very same geometric stairs that Oskar Schlemmer painted! Rows of windows in their aged black steel frames rotate open like horizontal blinds with a chain and pulley, casting deliberate gridded patterns of shadows. Incredible! There I saw photos from the 20's of suit wearing art students on the balconies of the school, smoking and painting Nagy-like abstractions. Imagine! "What are you studying?" "Well, umm, Bauhaus!"

I also saw the Meister Häuser- the seats of Kandinsky, Klee and Feininger when they ran the School. It is impossible to take a single photo that captures the beauty of the design of these buildings, standing in a row. I stood in awe.

xo

Posted 6:33 AM by Lambchop