Tag Archives: ugly people

The Ugly Truth

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Mary clearly had her intern up all afternoon scouring the internet when said intern should have been highlighting the fringe on Mary’s water dog.  How she does let normal business run amok when she is on a quest!  I took a gander at the ugly people wikipedia, and it appears nothing more than a dating association for Italians.  I could barely restrain a giggle.  Ugly Italians?  I should sooner see Intelligent Oklahomaoans.  Or Moderate Republicans.

Moving on to Ugly People Problems, I was thrown into uncertainty.  There do seem to be a lot of complaints, and yet, they all seem to relate to unpleasant quantities of hair or missplacement of features. Just as a warm, gloaty feeling began to settle upon my person, I chanced upon a very disturbing factoid.  Apparently, it is common for ugly people to take an interest in a handsome celebrity, and then envy the partner of that celebrity!

Suddenly I was plunged into an abyss, recalling my torment when my precious Baby Goose packed his things and took up with that cradle robbing asp.  Can it be that these unfortunates, the hideous, the hirsute among us could actually relate to what I felt??  That they also might have prowled the outskirts of a Paris film set looking for a good place to hide a body? Would they, too, have sent to her home one hundred tiny boxes filled with mouse tails, just to spy her look of fearful dread from a tree branch across the street?  It may be, it may be so.

What if we have other things in common?!  I don’t know if I can handle having my world view so shaken on a Wednesday.  I better have a lie down.  Perhaps Mary’s sadly dull-looking water dog will keep me company.

Which Morgan are You? How to Tell if you are a Loser at Love

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It has recently come to our attention that some of our very own readers are Ugly People. After we choked down a Xanax, we came to realize that we should be trying to help the little creatures of nature. If you lack wit and other social graces such as lots of cash, you need Us! How can you tell if you are in such a pitiable condition? Well, we have designed this handy QUIZ!

1. During the day, it is really fun for me to…

a) plan my outfit for the evening

b) trade barbs with a colleague

c) watch the neighbors fucking

2. People usually describe me as…

a) “a caution!”

b) “a warm and funny person”

c) “really awesome once you get to know me”

3. My sartorial sense is best described as:

a) Ever changing to fit a myriad of moods, with Style!

b) Interesting, but tasteful.

c) Lots of pockets and zippers. Everywhere.

4. When I go out on a date, I usually

a) Get Loaded and Lucky!

b) Enjoy flirting and figuring out a new character

c) …am not sure if I am on a date because we didn?t look at each other much and their cousin was also there.

5. What do you consider the food of love?

a) Poetry

b) Sultry dinners

c) Nervousness

6. When I desire companionship, but have no lover, I…

a) feel rewarded by the intensity such feelings contribute to my art.

b) reach out to my dearest friend, who gives me advice and makes laugh at myself

c) cuddle with my Weimeraner. Such a wuv, such a wuv, YOU love me, yes you do!

7. The bedroom is an intimate space that is very important to me. Mine evokes…

a) a high class brothel.

b) a cozy lounge.

c) Romper Room

8. When I want someone to take notice of me, I…

a) try to make them laugh

b) dress in a sexy manner and make frequent eye contact.

c) kick them!

9. I have passionate feelings about…

a) the writings of Gaultier and Baudelaire- didn’t they put beauty and uncertainty in the same frightening and voluptuous context? Let’s dance!

b) politics! From John Locke to John Kerry, I am fascinated by political philosophy, and the rights of man. Care to have coffee?

c) Pointless Debate. I never met a red herring I didn’t like. Was Stalin gay? How would he feel about Bono?

10. I think it’s sexy when…

a) I can spend the whole day in bed with someone.

b) We move well together on the dance floor

c) Someone remembers my name.

Mostly A

You are Morgan Fairchild. Sexy, unabashed, and a little scary. You are never without a full dance card.

Mostly B

You are Morgan Freeman Intelligent, compassionate, and subtle. You are a slow burn, but you always get your man.

Mostly C

You are an Albino Squirrel. Please submit your photo and we will try to match you with others of your bent. We believe in awful people being awful together!

-xo

Silence is Sexy

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It seems that I am the only person this week who has not talked about me on the Internet. Yes, the Internet has decided I am evil. I just want to thank everyone for having taken the time out of what must be very hectic schedules to weigh in with their opinions on the subject of ME, especially all you folks in Milwaukee and Wisconsin! Anyway, I have been silent through the affair, but I thought it was about time that I talk about me, too.

This is my pal Echo, who I have had the good fortune to spend time with lately. We trade drawings, and we talk about Barbie and imaginary sharks. She knows the old adage about throwing stones. And boy does she have a good arm! She is truly a prodigy, and I would wish for her she would never see how ugly people can be. But she also understands that while you don’t have to be friends with them, Ugly people must be tolerated!

-xo

Stocky

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Dear Ethicist: If my client’s organization is populated by ugly people, is it insulting to present comps featuring stock photography of the attractive? Why is there no “FrumpBank” for images of the appearance challenged? Surely the ugly people of America want to see people just like them getting their oil changed, lounging on carpet, or golfing. They’ll identify more!

I guess I should just schedule a photo shoot featuring actual members. In the meantime, I have stamped FPO over the more comely faces.

-Squirming Uncomfortably

Ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in space

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A week ago, I was lolling about in a foreign land, as the natives pushed each other aside for the honor of turning down my bed. I might eat a prosciutto-wrapped fig if I felt so inclined, or dip a toe in my private plunge pool. The coffee came with a single perfect rose on the tray.

Today, I am sitting on my couch after a rousing session of “kill the bugs that come in when it rains.” The highs, the lows. I am also nagged by some sort of illness. Once it turned out not to be SARS, I lost interest, but still it persists, like a dense pimple-ridden suitor. Someone has suggested that I have “allergies.”

Allergies? Those are problems for OTHER PEOPLE! I thought I was breaking new ground in the inconvenience department when I became the first person in the entire world to suffer from jet lag, but this, this simply will not do. I have placed a call to my attorney, my plastic surgeon, and the liquor delivery service.

Speaking of other people, and their horrid little problems, some of you might remember that April 5 was to be “Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day.” Well, Lambchop and I tried. We honestly did. But we couldn’t find any of those poor unfortunates in our immediate circle. So we placed paper bags over the heads of our regular duty roster members, and gamely tried to look away from the still visible taut abs. It was a disaster. We felt robbed of a sense of giving. Here we thought we could be Ghandi for a day, only to take yet another turn on the usual golden lap. It breaks our heart still more to know that scores the world over will never know what it’s like to bed an attractive person! I weep; Lambchop weeps.

-xxoo

Valentine’s Day Round Up (on President’s Day)

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Valentine’s Day is indeed our new favorite holiday- it has all the perfume and red fur you can ask for. The trick to avoiding any nauseatingly contrived sentiment is to celebrate it like we used to in the third grade, with little cards and candies for our friends (plus that doughy kid with the big ears our mom wouldn’t let us exclude). So there were hugs and little gifts and red stillettos all weekend for me and Clammy, and all our pals. (Note: if you invite me to your house anytime ever, make sure you keep some martini glasses on ice, so I can fix myself a Kitty Dukakis.)

I feel a bit holiday’d out from Friday the 13th- President’s Day. But it got us all to thinking about the special meaning of friendship and sharing as we dove into our chocolate raviolis on Vday. And me and Clammy realized just how lucky we are to have such swell pals and lovely profiles. We could not help but take a moment to feel for our less attractive brethren, who sit friendless and in need of a skin peel on this Valentine’s Day. And we thought, “why, there must be a holiday for the these people…a chance for us to give something back to nature!” Hence, “Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day” was born. Come April 5th, when for us the warmth of spring generates excitement for summer parties and flirtations, we must think of those less fortunate. And have sex with one of them.

I don’t get into Presidents Day at all. I don’t even have a driver’s license!

-xo

Back in the Saddle

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My Dear Troubled Readers,

It has been a grueling couple of months of self-denial at the Betty Ford. They would not let me smoke in the hot tub, and my massages with Nils did not include Happy End! But even though it was my own soul that lay troubled in a bed lacking Egyptian cotton, you people still had problems of your own. How selfish! Especially you unattractive lot- you are rather tempting fate to begin with by having concerns. (I will never forget the day I realized that ugly people have lives, too, I nearly fell in the shower!) In any case, I have returned to my manse and my refrigerator filled with champagne and I shall right your sorry, sordid worlds once more.

Dear Kitty Winn,

I did the unpardonable, the unthinkable, and have been swiftly punished. I read my girlfriend’s diary. And I found out she had not only cheated on me, but it seems she only decided to be with me when things did not work out elsewhere. Of course, this was all years ago, and we had what seems a happy and committed relationship since then. I confronted her and she lied through her pretty little teeth, even when she heard her own words quoted (unbeknownst to her). The bitter lesson for me here is that there must be skeletons like this within every coupling. That we end up together just as much by happenstance as driven by specific desire. My girlfriend is not a bad person, and she didn’t really do anything terrible, that’s just the way people are. The curtain has been lifted and I can no longer believe that there is anything magical about love.

-filled with inertia

Dear Inertia,

My, my, you are quite the philosopher! So, you are disheartened by the inconstancy of the human character? How on earth did you make it this long?! Well, well, we no longer feel special. You are just going to have to bear this one. Human beings are fickle and cruel, but they also have soft lips and will cook you a nice meal. You should have been enjoying what you had. Have a chocolate, and next time you collide into another woman’s life like a traffic accident, stay out of her private thoughts. And her underwear drawer.

-Kitty Winn