Tag Archives: sexy sex

Fabulous Golden Issue

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I am home sick. The doctor said to drink lots of fluids. But I am getting so tired of my soup recipes. Miso soup, alphabet, broth. ugh! While they are making me feel a little better I think i will vomitola if I look at another hot and sour. Can you recommend a new recipe for me, Miss Kitty Winn?? Please keep in mind I would prefer something vegetarian, and something without miso.

Love,

Sick in So

Dear Sick

My Doctor always recommends the consumption of clear and simple foodstuffs when i am ill- so I opt for things like jell-o and vodka, preferably together, followed by a healthy dose of Manchowder. You will be surprised at how soothing to all parties a good release into your larynx of joy juice can be. It beats a Werthers Original. So take it easy and rest upon your knees. I leave it to you to decide whether accepting a man’s fabulous golden issue is a violation of your vegetarian ethics or not. I suppose it depends on how attractive he is.

get well soon,

Kitty Winn

tuna walls?

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I got take out sushi from Shino Express on Newbury today. On the wall there is a painting of a silhouette of a woman, sort of a teal color, looking very much like a Duran Duran album cover. Her lips are bright pink, and she’s hosting a hefty piece of tekka on her chopsticks. And swirling teal letters read: Tuna as fresh as your lips.

Needless to say, that set me off but good! I walked back to work humming “lips like tuna/tuna kisses…” My friend S speculated that this was a translation from Japanese that was actually more meaningful than the orginal thought. Infused with a hearty significance.

Anyway, life is sheer dada at this point. I’ve decided to solve the wedding problem by hiring a stand-in. I am picking out Lambchop’s dress….it’s going to be a good one! Can’t wait to see you tooling around the floor doing the chicken dance!

Last night I watched the State of the Union address. Of course I really set out expecting American Idol to be on, but alas and alack, there was my least favorite winged monkey, in full becufflink’d regalia. I shouted lustily at the screen for the first fifteen minutes, then I feel asleep. And when I woke up, the Democrats had trotted out a God-honest Chinaman to give their rebuttal! I expect this was to counter all the tight shots of the one female Reublican and the one Black Republican in the audience. Anyway, Governor Locke managed not to start frothing at the mouth with rage (which is what the Democrats probably SHOULD do for a change), and he navigated the moderate waters valiantly and even concluded with a rousing “God bless America!” Oy. The subtext of the whole affair seemed to be “at least we all agree we are not down with Allah.” And before I feel asleep, the Shrub had managed to tout a Hydrogen Car and condemn abortion and any research involving cloning. I think I conked out right after faith-based initiatives. The human mind can only withstand so much torment! What a sense of defeat. I’ve voted my bleeding heart liberal conscience in every election since I turned 18. But what good does it seem to do? There’s all those states in the middle of the country to contend with!

I think my only hope is to move to Canada. I’m going to call up the Prime Minister, whatshisname, and see if I can come for a visit. Surely they’ve never encountered the situation of someone WANTING to move to Canada before? This could be one for the history books!

xxoo

A little bit country…

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No, I’m not going to talk about that stupid Osbournes Pepsi commercial… Instead I want to share the latest in gay porn star country music. [Via Faustus, who is always an enchanting read, and Aaron, who is smarter than me and reads things.] I have decided that I want to hire Jeff Stryker to sing at my wedding! What do you think, “Pop You in the Pooper” should get all the aunties onto the dance floor.

See Lambchop, I can’t top Tom Hanks, but I’m always prepared to bring up the rear anyway. ow.

xxoo

Oh, P.S., I still can’t find MJ RC…. I think she has a photo shoot for www.gothharpy.com today. Maybe tomorrow?

Tom Cruise-y

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VinDiesel69: i have something for you to post as an anonymous quote from me.

VinDiesel69: or something.

lickety: is it about retards?

VinDiesel69: like, i want to say this on my blog but it’s too icky even for me, but your blog is great for it

[ed. note! We LOVE backhanded compliments!]

VinDiesel69: no, icky men cruising in the gym

lickety: ooh yeah

VinDiesel69: OK, i mean, I’ve got pretty good gaydar, whatever, i can tell when people are trying to pick people up in the sauna: they go from steam room to sauna repeatedly, cool off with a shower and a drink, then do it again and again.

VinDiesel69: but when the straight people can tell, and the gay people are openly disgusted and relieved that you’ve left the room,

VinDiesel69: you KNOW you’re overdoing it.

VinDiesel69: I mean, this guy was NASTY

lickety: am i missing the boat on lesbian cruising at my gym? I never get that kind of attention

VinDiesel69: He was lying on his back on the bench, lifting his knee to his chest and rocking back and forth suggestively. I wanted to say “ye gods man, put those away! You’re scaring the breeders!”

VinDiesel69: i doubt it.

lickety: i guess chicks are more subtle

VinDiesel69: I mean, are there rules about women’s room behavior?

VinDiesel69: like, never pick the stall next to someone else, or don’t sit too close to someone in the sauna?

VinDiesel69: keep your legs crossed closely?

VinDiesel69: wear your towel? don’t make eye contact?

lickety: mostly people are very polite

VinDiesel69: my guess is “would you like to have coffee sometime?”

lickety: i recently discussed american idol and joe millionaire with someone and her friend

lickety: maybe they think i was hitting on them! we *were* all naked

So, to recap, gentlemen, for chrissakes be discreet! My friend Vin (is that anonymous enough for ya?) from the above exchange seems to get all the hot locker room action though…Always makes me feel like there must be something wrong with meeeee!

P.S. I am in no way saying that Tom Cruise is gay. Tom, please do not sue me.

xxoo

Separating the Havrilesky’s from the have-nots

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Yes, store write us! We are full of opinions and inapplicable anecdotes! We are full of malarkey! We like exclamation points!!!!

So I got brand new teeth today. I am going to go out first thing and have a steak and an apple and a blo pop, help preferably all balled up in a crunchy, sticky, sinewy mass. Thank you, teeth, though i shall miss the gumjobs!

(in case you just tuned in, i had an accident involving some marbles, a pair of skates, and a semi. That will teach me to perform roadside slapstick!)

smooch

Addendum

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So, link you have everything straightened out with troop deployments and the sampling of fabulous golden issue. good for you private!

but if you think your proboscis is a luxuriant aid in your spelunking activities, decease you have a long way to go. Beaking is just plain embarassing. While you are whittling away at the little man in the boat with your nasal rudder, treatment we are wondering why we ever became sexually active in the first place. You are seized by the shoulder and hauled upstairs as our only recourse to sending you out to bring us a donut.

No Beaking!

Now, beaking while wearing glasses. Just think about it…

smooch

I love the big ones says kathy sally thinks.

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I get the best spam ever. If that subject line doesn’t entice one to read on, whatever will? I guess my second choice would have to be “26 pics of teen girls getting ass reamed in the ass.” I applaud that for both specificity and redundancy.

Say, Lambchop, thanks for reminding me of MLK day! I just realized I shot my Black People Love Us wad a day too early! Silly me! I suppose I should cast about for a Little Black Sambo fan site or something to make up for it, but I fear public outcry. Speaking of the public, should we post email addresses? I would love to get some reader mail going, maybe some problems we could publicly address!

Sample letter:

Dear Lambchop and Licketysplit,

I’m torn, befuddled, and perplexed! My boyfriend wants nothing but anal sex. And I know I’m supposed to be *gay,* but it just doesn’t do it for me! What should I do?

signed,

Scaredy Cat

Sample response:

Dear Puss In Boots,

You should do what we always do: Poppers! Failing that, try to strike a balance of the finer things in life. Take some time out in your relationship to try a new flavor of iced tea, or listen to that new Starbucks Jazz CD compilation. Lambchop has been known to loosen up by rearranging her living room, perhaps trying a new fabric softener. And I like to achieve ultimate relaxation by arranging my book jackets by color. Soon you’ll be but a puddle of a man, ready to trip trop the anal staircase. And should you feel any trepidation, lie back and think of the Snuggle Bear! Ease into the rooting and tooting, you’ll learn to love it as much as we have.

xxoo

L & L

So come on readers, dial us up on the ol’ interweb! We are here to help!

xxoo

She is very famous in some fetish video

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No, not Heather! Hee hee. These ladies have some very special talents. Probably not work safe, but no nudity.

“So, farting is hard she said, but every girl enjoy farting in room.” So true! Yes, it’s a Japanese farting fetish video series, and the many descriptions are all written in delightful Engrish. I laughed til I cried!

Ok, on that note, or some other note entirely, I’m off to have lunch at Legal Sea Foods. I will be sure to get the fried clams. Or perhaps some other tasty mollusk. At any rate, I’m going to insist on opening them with my teeth.

“She want to fart in outside, She said that “If I fart in public, I will be good..because most of all ladies wants to fart in anyplace perhaps…”.”

xxoo

Bum bum ba bum

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Oh, boddyyy…why do you not wish to discuss your bottom? Are you feeling SHY? You??? I love to discuss my bottom. It’s a very important asset! A great giant asset. I mean a sleek, supple asset. I do not want to give our readers the wrong idea! You will vouch for my bottom won’t you? And yes, cock, we should talk about that too. When we do there is always trouble. Elbow-patched English majors in wire framed glasses look askance! Or people just assume we are common prostitutes.

I was driving home the other day (ok, my boo was driving me), and we passed a sign that read “HC” in big green letters. And then under that “24 hours.” So we were trying to think of what HC could mean? Hard Cock… 24 hours of hard cock? A non-flaccid zone. Violators will be ticketed! We weren’t even in the Fens! Speaking of the Fens, I just spent today helping my post-ironic pal move to a 4th floor walkup in the Fenway! eeeeee. I won’t be able to move tomorrow after bearing that heavy load (heh heh I said load). If I manage to get some HC today as well, that could compound the situation.

Ah well, I am exhausted…I must go make myself a shandy and retire to the veranda. Who am I kidding, I won’t make it myself. That’s what boos are for!

xxoo

Poor me!

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Lambchop is feeling glum today. (reads the sign on the door of my plague house).

but thats what weblogs are for. no matter how useless I may feel, the public is served by hearing about it. after all, unlike everyone else, my woe is INTERESTING!

so i perk up a little every time eudora makes that Log! from blammo xylophone tune, expecting to hear from people who have better things to do with their saturday than to mire in self-pity (and the log tune is itself so gosh darn zippy). alas it’s all just the usual notices about how i can be taller, thinner, richer, or more blessed in the cock dept. I am inadequate in ways i never even thought of!

actually, it would not be the first time it has been suggested to me that what would really put spring in my step is having a johnson. Lickety has been telling me for years to consider the graft of a donkey member. but thats because the dear girl really thinks i would make for a fine husband. well, who wouldn’t with such equippage? there cannot be two opinions on the point!

smooch