Tag Archives: self-assessment

Assessment Appraisal

I completed my self-assessment.  Turns out I am awesome.  And I should be given plenty of moneys for unspecified purposes.  Dig your claws deeply into your armchair and wait and see how this turns out.  How did I calculate my raddness to a precise degree?  Using the scientific method, of course!

  • Ask a Question.  This part was easy.  Just how awesome is Lambchop?  Only a very little, like finding a really good skipping pebble?  Or a whole damn lot, like a really good burrito?!
  • Do Background Research.  I polled many of you on this question.  And I found the results to be rather skewed depending on the participant’s love of burritos.  Hrmm… 
  • Construct a Hypothesis.  Lambchop is not awesome, so much as super amazing.  Unless you don’t care for mexican food.  Then Lambchop might be the closest thing to awesome.  Please exclude things like contemplating the cosmos or the grand canyon.
  • Test Your Hypothesis by Doing an Experiment.  Obviously it was necessary for me to try and sleep with a lot of people, even though they were extremely hungry.  I have an excellent record on that, and that is all I am going to say about it.
  • Analyze Your Data and Draw a Conclusion.  Being way too lazy for charts and graphs, I settled for a rather raunchy doodle on the side of my desk blotter, which I would share with you, but I dribbled coffee on it.  All things considered (apart from our glorious cosmos), I am Awesome.
  • Communicate Your Results.  You are looking at it, bub!
  • Self Assessment

    The devil has finally found the perfect instrument to torture me.  He tested me with those toe gloves, with phone calls to Verizon, and with the music of Katy Perry.  I may cringe, devil, but you cannot best a hardy thrillseeker like me with such paltry devices. 

    And then I was given a “self-assessment” to complete at work.  It is not like a self-exam where you can just *not* do it and say you did (sorry, doc!).  No, no.  It is a series of fire-ringed hoops to jump through in the hopes of landing in a pile of money at year end review.  Not really a pile so much as a a thin bit of tissue to keep you from scraping your bottom.   I am not new to the concept, however at my current firm, it is quite the fucking doozy.   The questions are lengthy and sound like something that can only be answered after a 3 day seminar in “teambuilding”.  I thought this kind of shit only existed in the world of Steve Carrell and John C. Reilly.  I read, laboriously, over the half dozen items.  I cried a little inside and put it away.  Over the next days I periodically thought, sweatingly, of the paper in my bag.  I wondered how the fuck I am supposed to talk about my ownership of processes and my business contributions.  Remember when it used to be enough if you would show up not smelling too drunk? 

    It’s a brave new world.  Time to justify my love.  Time to self-assess.  If only Katy would write a song about it.