Tag Archives: science

Deep Impact(ion)

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So I awoke this morning and checked all the porn in my hotmail, and then when I logged out, I see a story beckoning to me from the MSN idiot portal. “Swelling star threatens world, providing preview of what awaits Earth.” First I thought it was going to be about Jennifer Lopez and/or Ben Affleck, and I just can’t get enough of those two. Then once I figured out it was all about Science, I was genuinely alarmed and proceeded to skim it with as much attention as I can muster after half a cup of coffee. I was prepared to get all excited and order a wet suit and gas mask, but then it turns out the Earth won’t fry for another few billion years. They snuck that tidbit in at the very end. Ho hum.

But I may be a day late and a dollar short with the gask mask anyway, as I see I’ve missed the Miss Gothic Massachusetts pageant! Oh calamity, oh cruel serendipity. Oh misery that the photos of the “winners” aren’t published yet. But! Do not depair, gentle reader. We are proud to announce that Vomitola will be providing in-depth team coverage of the event via special correspondent Mary Jane RottenCrotch (as soon as she is found, we are checking interstate rest stop bathrooms now). Oh wait, Lambchop is passing a slip of paper across the news desk…it seems she has been located, and she’s just in the middle of a streaming web cast about the hardship of taking her corset collection to the dry cleaner. Phew. Well, when she’s free we’ll try to extract all pertinent info!

Oh, and last but not least, we’d be doing a real disservice if we didn’t provide a whizz-bang Golden Globes wrap-up. Sorry about that.

xxoo

New, in snacks

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Today I am having some off-brand Muddy Bears from the Kandy Shanty next door. So far so good, but I am not enjoying them as much because of the lack of packaging. Sure, it is more economical to get one’s chocolate-covered Gummis from a bulk bin, but I am missing out on the picture of the demonic, scatalogically inclined cuddly bear. Look how his eyes raise heavenward as he contemplates the brown manna plunging down on his gummi hide! Trust the Germans to come up with such a filthy treat. Incidentally, you can purchase Muddy Bears in their rightful packaging at the candy counter of your finer Blockbuster outlets if you are interested.

Oh, I also tried a sugar-free chocolate covered almond. Someone at work is on one of those no sugar diets. The purported downside of eating sugar-free candy? Anal leakage! It didn’t taste particularly good, or particularly bad. But now I am positive I can feel it worming its way through to victory! Me, paranoid? Of course! It’s what I do best! No standing for the rest of the day, just in case.

Now back to bears…I have had the distinct pleasure of working next door to the FAO Schwartz Friendly-Ass Bear statue for quite a while now, but apparently the store is going to close! People were simply not buying enough action figures or $80 stuffed whales in these tough economic times. What is to become of the Friendly-Ass Bear? His plump bronze buttocks shall be ignominiously pried off the sidewalk! He may be sold at auction. I am going to find out when and where so I can take him home. He’d make a lovely addition to any front yard or cathedral ceiling’d rumpus room, frightening children and adults alike. And he’d look so bitchin next to my Silver Spoons train set. Oh, the memories. What’s next, paving the dog field?

xxoo

I’ve always wanted to eat my weight in dill pickles

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Do visit Malepregnancy.com! This would be a terrific idea if reproducing weren’t such a bad one already. Be sure to check out the “hospital’s” other projects, including the transgenic talking mouse.

Way out there in interweb land, I spy my sister making an appeal for new shoes. Wishful thinking, child! You’d best put up a PayPal begging button or an Amazon wishlist to get anywhere. Saaay….maybe I’ll put up my Amazon wishlist. Except I want really embarassing stuff. Everyone would laugh at me. Especially heather. Ah, anyway, back to the shoes. May I recommend ones made from dogs’ noses? The finest way to travel. Failing that, you might want to set your existing shoes out overnight so the elves can come and cobble them for you.

Ok, if I’m still hopelessly bored in a bit I’ll post the Lambchop FAQ! I assure you it’s a corker.

xxoo

O! Banana

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Something that weighs heavily on my heart. That’s right, the Banana. I read just recently that fungus and pests have devastated the plants, and they simply don’t have the genetic diversity to combat the problem. Like the Amish. Anyhoo, what kind of life would it be without bananas? How can we go on if banana pancakes are extinct? What will monkeys eat (and what will happen to Matt LeBlanc’s career)? But seriously, if i put a lovely ripe banana in your hand and told you “Savor this baby, its the Very Last One You Will Ever Eat”, wouldn’t you just burst into tears, thereby destroying your final banana moments? And that would most deservedly make you feel like a real schmuck.

Gather ye bananas, while ye may…

Licketysplit and i may at least console ourselves by marketing the world’s first Bananapon- yes, the cheery, fragrant banana tampon!

smooch

Dawn Wiener

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This article is promenading me down memory lane: Fifth-graders accused of poisoning attempt

Ah, the grand tradition of attempted murder. I myself have only tried to kill 3 people. All were unsuccessful, although my sister still has a pretty good scar. Well, I guess that could be downgraded to “almost killed by accident.” But the other two, oh man. There was one roommate who shall remain nameless…the other roomie and I used to take her perishable food out of the fridge and leave it on top of the dishwasher to warm up ever so slightly. She must have wondered why we had our own jar of mayonaise marked with our names. That didn’t seem to work, so we took to dredging her toothbrush in the commode from time to time. Surely we never rose to the heights of this young gentleman, but we gave it the old college try, so to speak.

Lesson learned: if your roommate keeps his or her own toothbrush in a lockbox, so should you.

xxoo