Tag Archives: missing picture

Dressing for Excess

February 25, 2004Uncategorizedcelebrity!, fashion, make a wish, missing picture, on the job, sexy sexLambchop

I have just heard that dress code infractions at the ol’ McJobby Job le Job are to be noted by the receptionist and reported to HQ. Does this mean no more feather boa? Is my tweed cap to be silenced? So I am working on my resume, which causes me to think in bulleted lists of the Things I did Yesterday:

*eat a canoli

*watch a film about noodles

*read a book about waiting, entitled “Waiting”.

Buy a copy of Wired magazine and note that the aforementioned trio Freezepop have a full pager in there. I am preparing myself for them to be hugely famous so that I can write a tell-all. I better start stealing their underwear.

I asked everyone at dinner if they were to be inducted into the Make a Wish Foundation through clerical error and not, say, leukemia, for what would they ask. We had two Bowie-related requests (I would do an exhibition with the Man in Pants. Picture me quaffing wine at our opening, full of mutual adulation!) One wish was to go on tour opening for Duran Duran. Another would modestly wish for a house. Asians are so practical!

And strangely of all, one of us would like to be nine years old. Permanently. Which sparked a lively discussion on the value of consciousness and creativity versus an unconscious sort of happiness.

Personally, as much as I am avoiding adulthood, I would never return to the age of nine. My paintings are better now. Oh, and so is the sex.

-xo

A Pocket Full of Poses

February 24, 2004Uncategorizedjoisey, memories, missing picture, tunes, upskirtLambchop

There is a certain kind of mood, a scent in the air as soon as it stops being so wretchedly cold, and suddenly I am 15 again, walking the long walk past Journal Square and the jailhouse (the inmates howling out the windows for us to lift our skirts) to my high school, my headphones tuned to Book of Love, Howard Jones, Heaven 17 and Depeche Mode.

Well, it is not quite that time yet, but I have been waking up listening to Lifestyle and Freezepop and whaddya know it’s skirt-lifting and chirping birds all over again.

-xo

Kitty Dukakii, Karaoke, and Bukkake

February 23, 2004Uncategorizedbukkake, karaoke, Kitty Dukakis, liquor, missing pictureLambchop

I am so sure you are all following along at home our adventures with a brand new drink, sickness the Ktty Dukakis. This weekend we unleashed Kitty on an unsuspecting crowd at my house. They smelled her perfume and the glow of her cherries, treatment and were lulled into guileless drunken bliss. Which explains the impassioned duet of Careless Whispers I did with my roomie. Or it explains my adventure in the broom closet, I know not which.

-xo

My house sits your ass down…

February 19, 2004Uncategorizedaltruism, animal farm, missing picture, pennywise, practice makes perfectLambchop

Oh, you know things are bad when the events of your life trot out UB40 songs in your head on eternal repeat. There has been a rat in the kitchen for a while now. Pennywise started out living in the basement and got greedy. We were content to trap him and out him into the street, but he is a wily fellow. Just when you think you have not seen him in ages and he must be gone for good, off to more posh digs in the dumpster behind Shaws, his shadowy step will be seen again. The line has finally been drawn in the sand, however. Pennywise has taken to sitting on our sofa, eating our snacks! There he was watching VH1 Classic and eating Seth’s cheese doodles like he was one of us. We could tell he was an imposter, though, because he didn’t warble along incoherently when they played Michael Mcdonald. So the exterminator is coming. The dawn shall rise on vengeance! YA MO BE DERE!

In other news, I received my letter of acceptance to the Big Sister program. I am going to go practice mentoring something. Like maybe the coffee machine or my pencil case.

-xo

Valentine’s Day Round Up (on President’s Day)

February 16, 2004UncategorizedKitty Dukakis, liquor, missing picture, sexy sex, ugly peopleLambchop

Valentine’s Day is indeed our new favorite holiday- it has all the perfume and red fur you can ask for. The trick to avoiding any nauseatingly contrived sentiment is to celebrate it like we used to in the third grade, with little cards and candies for our friends (plus that doughy kid with the big ears our mom wouldn’t let us exclude). So there were hugs and little gifts and red stillettos all weekend for me and Clammy, and all our pals. (Note: if you invite me to your house anytime ever, make sure you keep some martini glasses on ice, so I can fix myself a Kitty Dukakis.)

I feel a bit holiday’d out from Friday the 13th- President’s Day. But it got us all to thinking about the special meaning of friendship and sharing as we dove into our chocolate raviolis on Vday. And me and Clammy realized just how lucky we are to have such swell pals and lovely profiles. We could not help but take a moment to feel for our less attractive brethren, who sit friendless and in need of a skin peel on this Valentine’s Day. And we thought, “why, there must be a holiday for the these people…a chance for us to give something back to nature!” Hence, “Have Sex With An Ugly Person Day” was born. Come April 5th, when for us the warmth of spring generates excitement for summer parties and flirtations, we must think of those less fortunate. And have sex with one of them.

I don’t get into Presidents Day at all. I don’t even have a driver’s license!

-xo

Look out Charlie Brown!

February 13, 2004Uncategorizedlists, missing pictureLambchop

It’s Friday the Thirteenth, and as you can see, Charlie Brown is about to get bollocked by a tribesman. I guess because it is also Black History Month.

We here at Vomitola like to reserve special days like these for taking stock. So here is a handy checklist on how we are doing:

Job: Lambchop (1) ; ClamShandy (0)

Marriages: Lambchop (1, failed); Clamshandy (1, still good)

Children: Lambchop (ha!); Clamshandy (hmmm…)

Friends: Tons, thanks!

Cocktails: The Maryann and Ginger for both of us please!

Chicken Sandwich: Lambchop (1); ClamShandy (still waiting on that info.)

-xo

Reverie

February 11, 2004Uncategorizedfit, missing picture, tunesLambchop

I was at the gym today, feeling the dark side of the force. Flexing anger through burning muscle. Although, there’s only so much posturing I can do when I carry a Hello Kitty discman. Anyway, I was at the part of the song that goes “tell me baby how does it feel/I know you like the roll of the limousine wheel”. Everytime I hear that my mind departs from the physical effort. I am dreaming of riding in a long, dark car, ensconced in soft fake white fur to which perfume still invitingly clings, in perfect makeup and glasses as shiny as the windows.

Well, its time for more pretense. Tonight was made for dancing!

Don’t have a whack attack

February 11, 2004Uncategorizedcinema, Dukes of Hazzard, insanity, missing picture, Starsky and HutchLambchop

So I got a message from a friend the other day, “hey, I saw you in the street today and it looked like you were mumbling obscenities under your breath…” That’s right, cursing and raving is not just for the homeless and the criminally insane anymore! What can I say I am having a bad couple of days. And I am Irish.

But then I was over at my neighborhhod Hess station and LO! If you buy a drink the size of a cruise missile, you get it in a fancypants Starsky and Hutch cup. I am more excited about the release of this movie than a person ought to be. It’s because it bodes well for the realization of my life long dream:

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Movie

Just think about that for a moment, won’t you?

-xo

Mormons ‘r’ Us

February 8, 2004Uncategorizedgoing to hell, hot dog, missing picture, mormonsLambchop

Last week I went to lunch with an ex-Mormon, and one of our crew was looking intimidated by the vastness of the sushi buffet. To which I remarked “what’s the matter, you look like Elizabeth Smart at the altar”. We here at Vomitola firmly believe in Lowering the Bar.

Last night I was visiting another friend of mine who is an ex-Mormon. She’s a rocker, and is going to feature in my next one-hit-wonder, the Mormon 5. Just call me Mary Ellen, crooning about ironing my pinafore and contemplating my dirty pillows. But Motown.

Cripes its 2pm and I am still not dressed. Maybe because my roommate has hosted a party that has been going ’round the clock for two days. I am going to go out and get a hot dog. Thanks for Caring and Sharing!

-xo

GO SPORTS

February 2, 2004UncategorizedBahston, fake band, in the face, liquor, missing picture, Morrissey, sportLambchop

Like most of you I was watching The Game last night. And since I live in Boston, medicine this entailed shrieking and touchdown breakdancing. After spraying our living room with champagne (typically, sovaldi sale I caught it in the face), tadalafil we took to the streets for the scheduled RIOT. It was tame compared to the last time, but we had fun trying to make the crowd chant “Morrissey” and “Equine Internet Porn”. So pardon me if I am, umm, hoarse today.

Oh the laughs just never stop. Especially when the fire department hosed us.

In other news, there is a hot new band in your midst. We are Glamazon, Gdget, and Chickie Baby. We are Le Chevron. And our new single, Electrolyte, will be available as soon as we have made enough shrimp skewers for the release party.

-xo