Tag Archives: low concerns

Heartbreak and Halitosis

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Dear Kitty Winn:

I was sitting home alone worrying last night, wondering what to do, when it occurred to me that what I needed was help from a purveyor of tawdry advice. After all, I have a terribly tawdry problem. I can’t seem to get over my ex-girlfriend. I’m beginning to annoy my friends, and even my therapist, by talking about her constantly. I’ve tried the usual techniques — moving to another town, drinking heavily, sleeping around like a two-bit whore– but none of them work. It just feels like additional betrayal: I’m not staying true to the girl I love, and the rebound girl knows what’s going on because I call out the wrong names. I just can’t achieve, how you say, release, without thinking of my lost love and the taste of her sweet, sweet anus. What can I do to get her off my mind? Also, can you recommend any good breath mints?

— Darren Hungus

Darren Hungus, I feel for you. I have been consumed with giving your problem the proper attention. It was hardly off my mind while I was watching a 60’s go-go film and having a Charleston Chew. You pose a difficult question, but without a doubt, use Fisherman’s Friend to expunge the foulness of your mouth. Those babies pack a wallop! Oh right, and your ex-girlfriend…clearly you have let the girl of your dreams slip through your fingers and will never ever be happy again ever.

Never ever.

You could endeavor to be satisfied with your lot, but Kitty Winn believes in setting things right! You don’t have a shred of existence without this woman, so you must dedicate your life to having her back. Write her, call her, lurk beneath her window- don’t let the girl have five seconds in which thoughts of you do not intrude. Give her no rest from professions of your unabated love! Praise her back door beauty! Erect a shanty in front of her door, where you live, unshaven, eating little snack foods and denied fresh air solely for a daily glimpse of her angry face in passing. No woman can resist such romantic heroism- you will be plumming her annals and hating her stupid laugh again in no time!

Good Luck,

Kitty Winn

Tom Cruise-y

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VinDiesel69: i have something for you to post as an anonymous quote from me.

VinDiesel69: or something.

lickety: is it about retards?

VinDiesel69: like, i want to say this on my blog but it’s too icky even for me, but your blog is great for it

[ed. note! We LOVE backhanded compliments!]

VinDiesel69: no, icky men cruising in the gym

lickety: ooh yeah

VinDiesel69: OK, i mean, I’ve got pretty good gaydar, whatever, i can tell when people are trying to pick people up in the sauna: they go from steam room to sauna repeatedly, cool off with a shower and a drink, then do it again and again.

VinDiesel69: but when the straight people can tell, and the gay people are openly disgusted and relieved that you’ve left the room,

VinDiesel69: you KNOW you’re overdoing it.

VinDiesel69: I mean, this guy was NASTY

lickety: am i missing the boat on lesbian cruising at my gym? I never get that kind of attention

VinDiesel69: He was lying on his back on the bench, lifting his knee to his chest and rocking back and forth suggestively. I wanted to say “ye gods man, put those away! You’re scaring the breeders!”

VinDiesel69: i doubt it.

lickety: i guess chicks are more subtle

VinDiesel69: I mean, are there rules about women’s room behavior?

VinDiesel69: like, never pick the stall next to someone else, or don’t sit too close to someone in the sauna?

VinDiesel69: keep your legs crossed closely?

VinDiesel69: wear your towel? don’t make eye contact?

lickety: mostly people are very polite

VinDiesel69: my guess is “would you like to have coffee sometime?”

lickety: i recently discussed american idol and joe millionaire with someone and her friend

lickety: maybe they think i was hitting on them! we *were* all naked

So, to recap, gentlemen, for chrissakes be discreet! My friend Vin (is that anonymous enough for ya?) from the above exchange seems to get all the hot locker room action though…Always makes me feel like there must be something wrong with meeeee!

P.S. I am in no way saying that Tom Cruise is gay. Tom, please do not sue me.

xxoo

Addendum

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So, link you have everything straightened out with troop deployments and the sampling of fabulous golden issue. good for you private!

but if you think your proboscis is a luxuriant aid in your spelunking activities, decease you have a long way to go. Beaking is just plain embarassing. While you are whittling away at the little man in the boat with your nasal rudder, treatment we are wondering why we ever became sexually active in the first place. You are seized by the shoulder and hauled upstairs as our only recourse to sending you out to bring us a donut.

No Beaking!

Now, beaking while wearing glasses. Just think about it…

smooch

Bum bum ba bum

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Oh, boddyyy…why do you not wish to discuss your bottom? Are you feeling SHY? You??? I love to discuss my bottom. It’s a very important asset! A great giant asset. I mean a sleek, supple asset. I do not want to give our readers the wrong idea! You will vouch for my bottom won’t you? And yes, cock, we should talk about that too. When we do there is always trouble. Elbow-patched English majors in wire framed glasses look askance! Or people just assume we are common prostitutes.

I was driving home the other day (ok, my boo was driving me), and we passed a sign that read “HC” in big green letters. And then under that “24 hours.” So we were trying to think of what HC could mean? Hard Cock… 24 hours of hard cock? A non-flaccid zone. Violators will be ticketed! We weren’t even in the Fens! Speaking of the Fens, I just spent today helping my post-ironic pal move to a 4th floor walkup in the Fenway! eeeeee. I won’t be able to move tomorrow after bearing that heavy load (heh heh I said load). If I manage to get some HC today as well, that could compound the situation.

Ah well, I am exhausted…I must go make myself a shandy and retire to the veranda. Who am I kidding, I won’t make it myself. That’s what boos are for!

xxoo