I’m glad Lambchop reminded me we were running for president today. I was down in the town with the little people, purchasing a new car. Disposable autombiles are a brilliant invention, and every President’s Day, it is a great thumping thrill to get a new one and heave the old one into the mire. I am getting my name airbrushed on the side this time!

Now, I am not here to wow you with facts about cursing parrots or obesity, as Lambchop has attempted to do below. And I must also point out that my opponent’s pro-drug platform is no different from the current administration’s. You need vision! You need innovation! You need a haircut, and you could stand to lose ten pounds! Turn to me as I debut my platform:

There Are People to Do Those Things

As you may have guessed, Licketysplit stands for leisure. I prefer not to, and I know you feel the same way. If you gave a damn, your feet wouldn’t look like that. My party embraces indifference and ennui, but we still like to keep up appearances. You won’t catch us spreading liberty — if other countries became tolerable places to live, no one would sneak over our borders to clean out my garbage disposal or chaffeur my new car! I speak from solid experience that you will be hard-pressed to make someone wear a silly little hat and epaulets if he’s grown up in a culture of free expression.

So let the third world languish in third place, and let’s try to look as if we rightfully inhabit first! I stand for a plunge pool on every roof, a heated towel rack in every bathroom, and a mini bar in every bedroom. Don’t you want your grapes peeled and your sea salt imported from the Himalayas? Don’t you care about an adequate supply of tranquilizers for our annoying senior citizens (and for everyone, really)?

Vote Licketysplit for President of Vomitola! You can do it without even getting out of your chair.