Internet, give me hugz. I just dropped sashimi in my shoe. Why was I having sashimi for breakfast? Why the hell not. This eating thing is nothing but trouble, might as well make it interesting. I am never going to become obese at this rate.

My doctor gave me a lecture on high cholesterol, and he said that I am not allowed to eat bacon, sausage, duck, goose, shellfish, baloney, hot dogs, or olive loaf. I was not aware that olive loaf was a diet staple for anyone. We learn something every day, I suppose. I don’t eat any of those other things either, except a nice duck breast in a wine reduction maybe once a year, so who the hell knows. He got this faraway look in his eyes and mumbled about how he missed roasting an entire duck on his BBQ spit. Project much, tubby?

Maybe it’s possible that apathy turns into cholesterol. I should have asked, but I was too busy yawning. Then I told him my theory on how problems are for losers, and clearly I have no problems. I said “Do you see these? These are visible hip bones! These are abs! You must have someone else’s results.” Then he showed me my actual numbers, and apparently that damn whore will do anything to charge my insurance for an office visit. Whore! Damn hell. Hell.