Tag Archives: advice

Tell me about the rabbits, Trista

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from the desk of Kitty Winn

Dear Kitty Winn, prescription

A few months ago I slugged it out with a few dozen other girls on a popular TV show. I won the affections of a lunkish Midwestern kinda guy. Everything was really dreamy for a few weeks, but then he looked at another girl in a bar! I did what any self-respecting person with crazy eyes would do and hucked the engagement ring at his head! I mean, I’m his fiancée! That alone should demand he pluck out his offending eye. We had a connection! And he didn’t see it that way. I like the idea of making a guy get down on his knees to re-propose every few days. I think guys like that too, it makes them feel like they have a special job to do. But then he just got all weird on me and wouldn’t spend the holidays with me. What’s with that, I’m his fiancée! And then he didn’t love me anymore. But I’m his fiancée! I have a ring! Should I keep it, Kitty? I won it fair and square.

-hella crazy

Dear Helene,

If I had one of those automagical Tivos, I would have zapped right past you, because you scare me so much. But I needed to see Trista lead Ryan around like a trusty St. Bernard. Yes, you do have crazy eyes. But Ryan seems to be on some serious veterinary tranks. Is he slightly retarded? Or is it just that rocky mountain high. At any rate, I hope Trista doesn’t let him pet her pretty hair too long. He’s got big strong hands.

Stay away from me,

-Kitty

P.S. Sure, keep the precious, go right ahead! Fine by me!

Winn-ers and Losers

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I am a very critical person..Definitely cynical, definitely a champion worrier. But yet…I’m pretty happy overall. I just can’t help it. I’m lucky and I know it, but I don’t typically discuss that. This annoys my miserable friends.When I have good news to report, they don’t say things like “Congratulations.” They take my news and turn it around until it’s self-referential. Let’s say I get a new job without even looking very hard. They are having a hard time finding a job, so the first thing they say is “Oh, I’ll never find a job.” I smile pleasantly, displaying my gleaming white smile, and respond with something like “Oh sure you will, one thing that worked for me was finding out which friends’ companies are hiring.” But I want to yell at them. To say “Look fucko, how about a ‘way to go, sport?’ How about not thinking about yourself for one freaking irksome minute of the day?” Not to mention the fact that I had just been laid off, hadn’t even bitched about that, had gone out and started blanketing people with resumes and making phone calls instead? Never pissed and moaned so they felt compelled to pick up the check at lunch out of embarrassment at their own good fortune.

Tell me, Kitty, am I wrong to consider just ditching these people? Can you rehabilitate an energy vampire, or do I need to find a silver stake or something? There are a few…It would deplete my friend roster, but with friends like these, yadda yadda. Am I misunderstanding something? If I do ditch them, do I owe an explanation? I don’t know that it would help, but it might be akin to exorcism.

-Johnny Handsome

Dear Handsome

It seems that you are the one who needs to vent! Forget your loser friends. How about we have lunch? I fancy a bit of chilean sea bass in a cozy lounge as a respite from job-hunting, which is going really terribly since you asked.

1 o’clock good for you?

-Kitty Winn

Hell is other people?

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I am a sad and lonely act, gagging for sex. My sympathetic friends have helped set me up on a couple of dates, but every time I found myself on the road to snog city, some part of me would panic and find fault with the guy-like I didn’t like his side parting, or he said “wicked” once too often. But then I go right back to repining my celibacy. Naturally, my friends are no longer sympathetic. Perhaps you can answer the question that’s on their minds- “what the hell is the matter with (me)?!”

-Cry for love

Dear Crybaby,

It’s not you, it’s them! Actually, that’s not true, it’s YOU, YOU, YOU, but I cheered you up for a minute right? One possible course of action is to re-evaluate your romantic timeline. Perhaps you are letting the woo drag on a bit too long? It helps to have already sampled the milk before you let the cow start to annoy you. So hop to it and kiss on the first date (be safe of course). If it’s sex you want, sex ye shall have! Then you’ll have at least a 3-10 day cuddle hormone-fueled fog before you start to blink, rub your eyes, and notice the object of your lust sways his hips like a woman or lets the fork touch his teeth.

Believe me, there is no relationship lacking this phase of revulsion. Your “Oh God, how did I get here?” moment could come in 2 days, or 20 years. But if it’s worth pursuing, you’ll forge ahead. You’ll know when.

Alternately, if it really seems that no one measures up, maybe your friends just don’t know anyone good! Maybe you need to ditch your friends for more attractive ones, with more suave, attractive friends of their own.

Failing that, figure out what’s eating you about yourself. If you don’t like yourself, you are likely a cranky poop, on your way to being a nosy old bat. And who’s going to want to be around such an obvious open wound? Maybe all these losers are really trying to drive you away because you are so insufferable and pathetic that they don’t know what else to do?

Oh, put the letter opener down! Turn off the oven! Kitty is just trying to provoke. Sadly, the answer is that you are the key to your own happiness. No one else can make anything better if you don’t allow them. It’s ok to be a solitary soul for a while. Try to put the cravings for love aside and find it within yourself. Think Buddhism. What Would Richard Gere Do?

Keep Kitty updated, Crybaby, as your problem is more thorny than anticipated. Relax, be yourself, and before you know it, you’ll be picking out a thermos for that special someone, not an ordinary thermos either.

Fortitude,

-Kitty

And it IS over

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Kitty Winn realizes that, in a haze of perfumed paper and silk heart printed teddies, I gave short shrift to a troubled soul. So as soon as my nails are dry, I will attend to the matter.

There.

Dear Sad,

I am going to have to break some bad news to you. If your girlfriend is putting down your gigglestick in public, this relationship is toast. You are in bed with her- wake up, roll over, and stretch out your arm. Feel that? That’s Another Man. Your girlfriend has moved on to greener pastures and is probably already planning romantic getaways with someone she deems less “meatballish”. Somehow the breakup has escaped your attention. Perhaps you should put down the hash pipe and try to remember if you heard the words “it’s over!” being hurled angrily at you along with your clothes. Or maybe you haven’t missed anything- maybe you have some extraordinary qualities that make the final step of departing difficult for her. Tell me, are you rich? How rich?

Anyway, you have to face facts. Whether her tampons are still under your bathroom sink or not, You Are Single. Try to enjoy it. After all, being single makes dating that much easier.

-Kitty Winn

Love is in the Air (or at least in stores)

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Dear Kitty Winn

I really enjoy your letters. My problem is my girlfriend. We are having a rough time lately and she expresses her feelings mainly by making fun of me in front of our friends. She calls me “meatball” and quips that my cock is useless. She makes us all laugh, but I wonder if I am laughing my way to singlehood.

-sad clown

Dear Sad

Kitty Winn is awash in roses and does not have time for the sorry dog’s dinner that is your life. It’s Valentines Day! Thank you boys for the scented bath pearls and the petit-fours and ankle bracelets and trails of hershey’s kisses. Its time to uncork the bubbly and read through the perfumed sonnets. Flowers everywhere! How dare anyone court me with their sniffly little foo foo meatball problems!

(we will return tomorrow to our regularly scheduled misery)

-Kitty Winn

Do it for Science!

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Hello boys and girls, Kitty Winn here. You may remember our distraught young writer from yesterday, Pine Fresh. Well, he’s risen to the challenge and provided us with a smorgasboard of personal information. Kitty did have to coax a bit, but we’ve arrived at an intriguing profile. So sit back, enjoy, and prepare to pounce on this tasty morsel!

Kitty Winn: So, give us some basic statistics.

Pine Fresh: Human male. 5’8″, 156 pounds. I’m a guilty white liberal. A yuppie.

KW: Hobbies and interests?

PF: I like art, both creating and looking at it. I enjoy going to see bands or DJs, but I don’t like the club scene so much. When it’s not too cold I like to just wander around the city and try to get lost in a new neighborhood.

KW: Favorite food?

PF: I like sushi, or spicy chinese eggplant.

KW: Favorite sad movie/ favorite funny movie:

PF: For sad, I think you have to go for “Happiness”, and for funny I really like “The Usual Suspects.”

“Oswald was a fag” is such a great line. And “No, give ME the gun, you motherfucking cocksucker.”

KW: Favorite reading material, printed and online:

PF: Books I liked: The Corrections (I know, I know), magazines I read: the New Yorker (for the articles!) and The Economist (for the cartoons!), and websites I like include boingboing.net.

KW: And he also meant to add “Vomitola!” What are you listening to right now?

PF: Public Enemy, “Fear of a Black Planet.”

KW: What makes you a good fling?

PF: I’ll call once or twice, and I’ll get the hint if you aren’t interested!

KW: What makes you a good long term relationship (LTR)?

PF: I listen to and respect my partner. I always make sure the other person is having as good a time as I am.

KW: Come on, let’s give our hopelessly immature readers a treat.

PF: I have nice muscles? I smell nice?

KW: Good enough. Favorite kitchen implement?

PF: Tongs.

KW: Nasty boy!

So there you have it, gentle readers. If you are a comely lass in search of a partner in the greater Boston area, write Kitty with a summary of qualifications, and we’ll see if we can make the first Vomitola.com love connection.

swoon,

-Kitty

Playing cupid

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I hate valentine’s day. I keep seeing fun valentiney things to do and then realize I have no plans, and even if I had a date, it wouldn’t be the kind of sincere and loving date that would be worthy of the extravagant valentiney things. When I was dating someone, I hated valentines’ day and was disgusted by all the extravagant gifts that the season demanded I give, and by the whole commercial insincerity of it all.

I know what other singles will be doing. The really cheezy corporate-owned bars in The Alley have a singles flirt-fest where there will be incredibly drunk incredibly lonely people looking to have incredibly awful guilt-wracked fear-of-dying-alone sex with strangers. The various titty bars in town will be full of incredibly drunk, incredibly lonely guys and very distant, mildly disgusted strippers who don’t quite have to think about what they’re doing since they’re coked out of their minds.

But what can a single Boston boy do this friday? I’m a human male with a pulse. Surely someone has lowered their standards enough for me!

-Pine Fresh

Dear Pining,

Human? Male? That’s always been good enough for Kitty! I don’t know what’s wrong with girls these days. Or do you need a boy? You didn’t specify. If it’s boymeat on your mind, there’s always the Ramrod (it’s military gear night!), or Jacque’s.

If it’s females you’re after, I’d stake out Victoria’s Secret. Look for the girl buying sexy undies. And then talk to her less comely friend who’s been dragged along for the ride! Or you could camp out next to florists and the Godiva store, noting who peers in longingly. Because good boyfriends have already sent flowers and candy to work by now, so chances are they’re single. Finally, who says all strippers are coked out of their minds? There are plenty of nice ladies who are strippers. Of course they won’t like you if you have a negative attitude like that! Judge not lest ye be judged, Kitty always says.

Of course that’s a rotten lie. Kitty loves to judge people!

Realistically? Does it have to come to that? I’d suggest going somewhere non-date-y with a group of friends. Scorpion bowls in Chinatown can’t be beat. Scamming on friends of friends is always a good bet anyway. Or I can open up the floor to readers. Provide me with some vital statistics, and maybe we can palm you off on a lucky Vomitola fan!

warm-heartedly yours,

-Kitty

A sensitive problem for a sensitive individual

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Dear Kitty Winn,

Attachments: right.scr, e23132zb24v[1].jpg

-frillysimsATmindspring.com

Dear frillysims,

That was SOME question. I would have to say that obviously I don’t know you very well, but you’d probably want to talk to a doctor sooner than later. I hear there are also some good hotlines for that. You don’t want to risk life-long infertility, now do you? And good lord, think of the cosmetic ramifications!

regards,

-Kitty

Pee Ess: Kitty is using a Mac, you can’t touch her with your zany microsoft scripting, even if she DID open attachments from strangers!

No business like showing your business

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Alert readers may notice that there is now an easier way to reach Kitty Winn. She’s been stamping and snorting about that all along, really put out like. So if you peruse the left side bar, you’ll see an Ask Kitty Winn link. Do avail yourselves of it! She’s still rifling through a hatbox full of 8×10 glossies looking for the perfect author headshot (and hampered mightily by the fact that her head’s not even IN most of them), but the page is a start. Yes, a real port in a storm!

xxoo

where have all the flowers gone?

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I’m a reclusive media figure, and I was recently pilloried in a highly rated television documentary. Barbara Walters kept clucking and saying mean things about me, and then that fat chick who was filling in for the blonde lady on Primetime called me “funny looking!” Kitty, I am at my wit’s end. Years of childhood abuse and blinding fame have rendered me a tragi-comic man-child, and at this point I lack the emotional maturity to defend myself or even see what the hell the big deal is in the first place! Kitty, how do I get these hounds off my back?

-Never had a chance

Dear Never,

Kitty avidly watched your public flogging, pausing only to stuff more Rolos into her pie hole. Kitty’s not sure why she’s referring to herself in the third person either, but it seems like a train one can’t jump off easily. Anyway, beleagured Never, Kitty applauds your parenting decision to raise your children out of sight. More people should do the damn same. Especially the people who shop at the Bread & Circus in Alewife. Right there, you are making a valuable contribution to society as we know it. Perhaps the next step is to apply that sensible ideal to yourself? They do wonders with burqas these days! Never again will anyone twit you about the condition of your nasal passages if they can’t see ’em! Allow Kitty to suggest retiring in style, to a small bunker or other fortified structure. Think of the fun you could have in all your spare time if you didn’t have to dodge the media. Why, there’s the Home Shopping Channel, or one of those “construct-your-own” submarine kits! Or if all else fails, there’s always voodoo, or installing a system of trap doors outside your mansion to swallow up unwanted visitors from Child Protection Services.

Bon Voyage,

-Kitty Winn