We may be different, try but we still Bleeeeeeeed…
A message of harmony brought to you by Vomitola.
-xo
All posts by Lambchop
All Tomorrow’s Pants
Fall In Love with Someone
David Bowie, the Man of the Pants, gave a stunning performance. This is the creature who invented or renewed everything I like about life in this century. He played Station to Station!!! He wryly requested that the audience not sing along to the chorus of “All the Young Dudes”. The power of that voice, that presence…it’s twitterpating, it’s Pantastic!
In addition, Clammy and I, social scientists that we are, have discovered the secret to a successful date. Only go on a Date with an attractive someone you really like, who also likes you. Thank you Mr. Drinkwater, for being a most charming escort. We scheduled all the major Date Highlights implicit in the Win a Date with Lambchop, from a nervous phone call to an awkward pause beneath the porch light.
As if it could have been any better, Helen did an excellent job of Parking and not killing anyone. Every day should be arranged to be that good!
-xo
Win a Date With Lambchop
We here in the 9th circle of Hell are pleased to show you our current favorite for the prized position of being on my arm at tonight’s Bowie concert. It is a difficult decision, as the entries are just pouring in. Thats because everyone knows I am easy. What makes this candidate so special? We like his unabashed appreciation for himself and for Echo and the Bunnymen. We also like his hair. As for his “Natural Cool”, discover for yourselves.
Dear Lambchop,
I am special for many reasons.
For starters, even though I suffer very badly from adult ADD, I am still in the 3rd most popular american synth-pop band of all time.
I like to paint rectangles and I like to read non-fiction, which are categorically stupid things to do, but even with these albatross I am still tattooed on a man’s leg for being as cool as I am. I am also special for having what I like to call a ‘natural cool.’ Even though I am typically surrounded by morons and sycophants I retain an almost ethereal quality which nearly defies description. Is this magic? Possibly. It is this ‘COOL-FACTOR’ which allows me to, say, wear one outfit/hair-do and go to several different parties in several different cities on the same
night. Do *You* Know What I Mean? From a grimy punk-rock venue in Worcester to a fine restaurant in New York City, you will find my coolness special. From a tavern in the deepest reaches of the Maine wilderness to the glamorous stages of London, Miami, Barcelona and Amsterdam, my coolness remains intact and obvious to those around me. I really don’t even have to DO anything, and that is the key. Many people have to DO things to be or at least SEEM special. Not me. My natural charisma and special cool-qualities
are ominpresent, without the need to accomplish or even attempt anything in particular. How was I born like this? Why me? I don’t know….I DON’T. I remain, however, ready to face the challenges or lack thereof that I am confronted with, and I will do so with a smile. If that is not special…well then I’m not really sure what is….
And I know way more about new wave music than you do, suckahs.
How does this relate to dear, dear Lambchop? I am not sure. Sometimes the very concept of taste brings people together, people with say, wildly varying temperaments/tempers. My favorite things about Lambchop? Pure talent in an impure world. Her fondness for pork products, her willingness to let me borrow the first disc of the Echo and the Bunnymen boxset…should I go on? I thought so. Her real color, her fake hair color. The way she almost never wears the same kind of boots my mother would wear. It is a total
package, and any person could appreciate this, especially from a PR standpoint. And really…who better to scream at David Bowie with like two giddy schoolgirls …in…. their…30’s?
Sean T. Drinkwater, Boston, Massachusetts,
June 1, 2004, 12:35pm
****About the photograph (ed- the original photo accompanying this post was lost to the highballs sands of time. The part of Sean Drinkwater will now be played by Sean Drinkwater. In order to see pictures of the Other Sean Drinkwater drinking beverages, please consult the facebook):
I took it upon myself to singlehandedly teach the Dutch about mixed drinks, in this case Orange Juice-based beverages. These were strange and queer to the Dutch, but I have a feeling should I return to Amsterdam this year that will find this kind of thing to be a bit more widespread. I will quietly thank myself for helping the new Europe in this way. A blurry photograph was
chosen to downplay my beauty because I want this contest to be fair.. Shirt: D&G, Jacket: Asics, Outer Jacket: C20 outerwear, Pants: Andrew Christian (this could be inaccurate), Shoes: Camper, Belt: probably Gap.
Toutes les parties de demain
Les abats des efforts échoués me déplacent à la nausée. Je tremble de peur que vous commenciez à exécuter.
(The offal of failed endeavors moves me to nausea. I tremble lest you begin performing.)
Love Springs Eternal
I may be lousy at romance, I may not be able to keep a hamster alive, but my pal Clammy sticks by me. It’s because She’s always right, and I am infinitely quotable!! So during that horribly pedestrian performance of The Furtive Masturbator, I stood up, and read this to my best friend:
I wish i had an evil twin/ Running Around doing people in
I wish i had a very bad / And evil twin to do my will
To cull and conquer, cut and kill/ Just like I would if I weren’t good
And if I knew where to begin
Down and down he’d go/ How low no one would know
Sometimes the good life wears thin
I wish i had an evil twin
My evil twin would lie and steal/ And he would stink of sex appeal
All men would writhe /Beneath his scythe
He’d send the pretty ones to me/ And they would think that I was he
I’d hurt them and I’d go scot free/ I’d get no blame and feel no shame
Cause evil’s not my cup of tea
Down and down he’d go/ How low, i would not need to know
All my life there should have been
An evil twin.
Who knew that Stephin Merritt’s work is such a Bonerkiller?
-xo
Smashy Go Lucky
Share with Friends
I am fond of pointing out the beauties that I encounter in my daily bicycle ride to work. Birds nesting on tree-lined Comm. Ave., pretty girls in summery skirts, a tiny man pouring a bucket of greasy entrails into a gutter in chinatown, with a brown handrolled cigarette dangling wetly from his lips. It’s poetry! Today because of the warmth, all kinds of people are out and about town! i saw a prostitute staggering down the street wearing only a denim jacket and a large pair of underpants. She was lurching sideways, leaning heavily on some bloke, waving a smoke and grinning blearily as if life could furnish nothing greater.
It can’t!
Then I get to work and I am treated to overheard principals of office chippie dating. Hey fellas, if you are single, here is what women apparently want:
“…a man who can take me to a Mozart concert and still shake his butt around at 50 cent.”
There you have it!
PS I will be in the STUDIO tonight. Hurrah!
-xo
Drinky Song
Smashy da co-co-nut, hit it with a Mallett!
Crack it open and suck out da JOOOCE!
Lick the milk up you dirty little monkey,
wipe it off your chin, don’t be so OBTOOOOOSE!
Ok, ok, so I had some drinks the other night. Ok, i dove into a Scorpion Bowl. Nobody’s perfect. Luckily, it’s all part of the Liquid Diet. Nothing but soup broth and gin and tonics, at regular intervals. So tonight we turn up the swedish pop music and pour out the Ancient Situation and its all To Your Health!
-xo
Never Say Die-t!
Clammy is off fighting the good fight at the gym. So I am taking this time to send some inspirational thoughts her way, like so many doves. Soon you will be lithe and muscular, nibbling at your Ricola and sniffing derisively at the spare-tire pushup pant wearing teens as they run for the Mister Softee truck, wheezing through their blow holes. To help you on your way, there are several new diets you might try. I am on all of them!
South Reach Diet
If you are prevented by your expanse from grooming anything “south of the equator,” there are handy recipes for rock soup (it’s a concentration of taste!) combined with nightly stretching. The Don’t List is headed by cheese fries and Pop-Tarts.
Liquid Luxury
Did you know that water can contain CARBS?! Make sure you purchase a carb-free water and boil it down to its essential, mineral rich purity. This savory dish should be served hot in a glass bowl to avoid too much iron. Moisten a face cloth to suckle whenever you crave a Snack! Remember, moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty.
My personal favorite diet acknowledges the fact that Eating represents total failure of will power. The truly dedicated will abstain from ingestion of evil calories:
Negative Thought Weight
Studies show that thinking about food does not provide any undesirable thought weight. So break out the lasagna, the fritos, and the gorgonzola bacon baguettes- you can roll them across the conveyor belt in your mind at a sumptuous ZERO CALORIES!!
I am having cheese toast right this minute.
-xo
Love Letter
My Dear Alcohol
We have been together for so long, buy you and I. When I was just a frail teen, sales you were there to soothe my broken heart. I made such a fool of myself over you. Because of you, recipe I have vomited in potted palms, but you have also made me tender and affectionate, though usually inappropriately. You left me weeping in the store-room at McDonalds, with the Cars “Drive†playing in the background.
You have never deserted me, alcohol, even when we did not speak to each other for a year after that time I slammed a car door on the arm of a girl whose boyfriend I was shagging and ended up face down in a graveyard. Our relationship has had so many varieties!
As much as I want to be with you, and have you inside me, I think we had best take a break from each other, see other people. We will always have our memories, or some hazy variation thereof.
-xo
More Meds, Please
Oh, I have been gritting my teeth all week against the pain of a gland problem that has landed me screaming on a table in the ER many times over the years. For this round, I had to wait several days from the onset of PAIN to have a second try at the surgery that is supposed to correct the problem permanently. Luckily, while I waited I received a prescription of Codeine from Dr. Roommate. Isn’t that where everyone gets their painkillers these days?
The surgery went just fine, for at the helm was a brisk German with a heavy accent and a Van Dyke. Helen was there, to talk trash with me and squeeze my paw while i felt small and tired in a blue gown. But finally the sweet sweet drugs came, and I couldn’t stop laughing and reaching for the lights over the operating table and calling for the Mother Ship. Apparently, the nurses had never heard that one before.
Afterwards, I lay in white hot pain with Helen at my side until they brought me some Percocet. She said my eyes went Anime-wide as soon as it kicked in, and I was able to enjoy the sunny afternoon ride home and sushi on the porch with her and Stu and Mr. H.
On this perky fog, I can enjoy just about anything, like getting stuck in Red Sox traffic on the way home from the hospital or being here at work the next day. To say nothing of the two yards of bloody gauze I had to extract from the surgical incision this morning. It was like that magic trick where you pull scarves out of your pocket in an endless rainbow. Only more disgusting. I bet I could even eat a lima bean or be sympathetic to the ugly and downtrodden today, without feeling put out in the least.
I wish life came with painkillers for every day.
-xo
Diese Woche habe ich unter ein sehr schmerzhaftes Druese problem gelitten. Ich wurde gestern operiert und heute geht es mir schon viel besser, besonders wegen dieses tolles Schmerzmittel!
Ich fing letze woche mit einem neuen Bild an, und ich glaube meiner kurze Aufenthalt im Krankenhaus das beeinflussen wird. Das sieht Ihr selber wenn es fertig ist.