All posts by Lambchop

All We want for Christmas…

Greetings, Vomiketeers! It is almost time for another Crappy Kringle. I hope you are all enjoying navigating the hordes of chancred shoppers in your quests for the perfect inlaid shoehorn for your girlfriend’s mother to wedge her sausagey feet into a new pair of Totes. We will be with you in spirit when you are drunk at an undercooked ham dinner, stuttering to suppress your distaste for your porcine cousin’s support for George Dubya. We loathe your family and your plastic yule log almost as much as you do.

Which brings us to Lambchop’s Annual Xmas Wish List:

1. A warm coat

2. Lots and lots of angsty music

3. more drugs!

4. I said more drugs!

and finally,

5. a little health and happiness for me and my Licketysplit!

-xo

Crash Boom Bam

Reunions are swell, aren’t they? On Sunday I met up with my old pal Matt Houston. We met in 1999, at a time when I was very ANGRY, and we laughed so hard for 5 days straight that we didn’t sleep. I tried to get him to come with me to Berlin, but at least he let me take his sweater. He was “my new gay boyfriend”. So finally after some years in Holland, he met me in Boston, and after a drive in which we ignored all traffic laws (laws, piffle!) we landed at the B-side purely for their fine bloody marys. 5 marys and 3 martinis later, we parted, and I woke up face down on my floor at 10pm, feeling like Brian Jones on a lucky day. But that’s what love is, folks, that’s what love is.

-xo

The Lonely Hearts Club

It’s Saturday night. There are parties to go to, drinks to be spilled, hands to slide up skirts, and lampoil burning in studios. But it is also a night for lonelyhearts. For lonelyhearts, Saturday night is like christmas to an orphan- it turns the solitary number 1 into an exclamation point.

So, while we clean our brushes, go out and get drunk and felt up, we leave the floor to one of the loneliest people we know:

I’m hot, I’m so very hot. You look at me and see how HOT I am. Have an egg- fresh from my body onto your plate. They are also Hot. I like planaria and grubs and so do you. and I am HOT. Hey, i know what you two are going to do in there. Gottagetlaid, gottagetlaid. CHICKEN LADY LOVES LIFE!

-xo

Head Space

It’s interesting to note throughout history the lengths people will go to in order to remove each other’s heads. We at vomitola favor the method of those chilly Chinese, the Flying Guillotine. This dandy little basket made of whirring blades and a lampshade, can separate you from your topper with stunning efficiency. It’s a dark film, filled with all manner of cruel demise. We could not have come up with better ourselves.

And there are so many people out there who really would benefit from a head-ectomy. The streets and supermarkets are packed with the fumblers, mumblers, or just plain ugly. “Why are we plagued thusly?!” you ask us, gentle readers. We cannot answer this. We can only suggest you do as we do- medicate yourself, have a good time, and take a little lie down after trips to the store. Helen does! So what if you have to cross the street to avoid soemone unsightly! So you have to screen your calls and your eyes ache from rolling. You are obviously insane.

Merry Christmas, We Let You Live!

-xo

There is a place in Hell Reserved for Me and My Friends

I am still working on this ridiculous film shoot. I did my own hair, makeup, and costume for this scene, which means you should be frightened if I approach you with a lip brush. If I can give anyone any piece of advice, don’t sign onto an indie production unless the director has a short attention span. I have not been allowed to get a haircut since June. Oh well, this isn’t be the first time I got involved in some frivolous undertaking in the quest to Be Like Parker Posey. Normally, this screed would now conclude with a picture of Ms. Posey from Blade Trinity. SO GOOD. But the nation’s nerdballs have not kept up! I have not found any pictures of her, so you will just have to see the movie. Who else could look so sulky in fangs and a pompadour?

-xo

Cop Rock

Everyone knows that the best place to find out about drugs is from the police. They sponsor films, comic books, and websites all about our favorite things, bringing us the jolly candy-like buttons in all of their yummy shapes and colors. Why, I got this tasty photo from a police info site. Thanks, coppers!

Just thought I would share that before I retreat back into my haze. If no one hears from me by tuesday morning, please slide a hotdog under my door. And don’t forgot the goddamned relish. You know I love relish! Oh how you toy with me.

-xo

Which Morgan are You? How to Tell if you are a Loser at Love

It has recently come to our attention that some of our very own readers are Ugly People. After we choked down a Xanax, we came to realize that we should be trying to help the little creatures of nature. If you lack wit and other social graces such as lots of cash, you need Us! How can you tell if you are in such a pitiable condition? Well, we have designed this handy QUIZ!

1. During the day, it is really fun for me to…

a) plan my outfit for the evening

b) trade barbs with a colleague

c) watch the neighbors fucking

2. People usually describe me as…

a) “a caution!”

b) “a warm and funny person”

c) “really awesome once you get to know me”

3. My sartorial sense is best described as:

a) Ever changing to fit a myriad of moods, with Style!

b) Interesting, but tasteful.

c) Lots of pockets and zippers. Everywhere.

4. When I go out on a date, I usually

a) Get Loaded and Lucky!

b) Enjoy flirting and figuring out a new character

c) …am not sure if I am on a date because we didn?t look at each other much and their cousin was also there.

5. What do you consider the food of love?

a) Poetry

b) Sultry dinners

c) Nervousness

6. When I desire companionship, but have no lover, I…

a) feel rewarded by the intensity such feelings contribute to my art.

b) reach out to my dearest friend, who gives me advice and makes laugh at myself

c) cuddle with my Weimeraner. Such a wuv, such a wuv, YOU love me, yes you do!

7. The bedroom is an intimate space that is very important to me. Mine evokes…

a) a high class brothel.

b) a cozy lounge.

c) Romper Room

8. When I want someone to take notice of me, I…

a) try to make them laugh

b) dress in a sexy manner and make frequent eye contact.

c) kick them!

9. I have passionate feelings about…

a) the writings of Gaultier and Baudelaire- didn’t they put beauty and uncertainty in the same frightening and voluptuous context? Let’s dance!

b) politics! From John Locke to John Kerry, I am fascinated by political philosophy, and the rights of man. Care to have coffee?

c) Pointless Debate. I never met a red herring I didn’t like. Was Stalin gay? How would he feel about Bono?

10. I think it’s sexy when…

a) I can spend the whole day in bed with someone.

b) We move well together on the dance floor

c) Someone remembers my name.

Mostly A

You are Morgan Fairchild. Sexy, unabashed, and a little scary. You are never without a full dance card.

Mostly B

You are Morgan Freeman Intelligent, compassionate, and subtle. You are a slow burn, but you always get your man.

Mostly C

You are an Albino Squirrel. Please submit your photo and we will try to match you with others of your bent. We believe in awful people being awful together!

-xo

One, Two, Three o’clock, Four o’clock Rock

This picture was taken, not so much in the Halls of Medicine, as in the Bowels. But don’t worry kids, not only did I *not* bleed out, but they even threw some medication my way. I am sure I will be feeling better soon. If only i could say the same for the heat in my room. If only I could say there were some. i would remove my mittens and finish this painting.

Just as vitriol and self-pity reaches its shimmery apex, I receive a letter from my estranged father. His ticker has been pretty bum for years now, and I guess it’s outta gas, Game Over. So he is on the short list for a transplant. Which led me to wonder if they still transplant monkey hearts. Anyway, I wrote back to wish him luck. After all, a Morgan never dies. We have the aggravating tendency to prevail, if only to piss off other people. So my dad says “It’s really a simple matter to me. Either I survive or I don’t.” Say what we will about us Morgans, we are true Philosophers.

-xo

I’m Thankful!

You say potato and I say “fuck it”, Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off. I decided not to have Thanksgiving Dinner after all. Though I received several kind invitations to warm hearths, I decided I would rather laze around in my unheated room, and drive around looking for a convenience store that has frozen bagels. When you play surf music, everything feels like a Mission. Take Gas, Goofy Footer Hodad!

Like every lily-livered gold plated American, I have a tarjillion things to be thankful for. But no one wants to hear me opine about how lucky I feel to have all my limbs, food, and a bomb free-sky to gaze up at. So we decided to ask Happy-Go-Lucky Hasselhoff, for a list of the things he holds dear on this day. And we bring you:

I am Thankful For…

by Hasselhoff.

1. Adventure!

2. Chest Wax

3. Birdsong

4. My favorite well-worn Speedo, “the Gunboat”

but most of all,

5. The Germans!

Happy Thx-giving Everyone!

-xo