All posts by Lambchop

Blizzard Bazaar

It was winter over here at my igloo as well.

I don’t have anything else to say about that apart from “Very Strong Rum”.

Today I played hooky from LegalHut and finished a painting. I also shoveled and had a chicken sandwich. Finally, I put on some pants because we were having an Open House at my house, looking for a potential new roommate. And I want them to think I am the sort of person who wears pants. Hoo boy, the parade! My favorite candidate described our living room as “wild”, and one of the others broke a cardinal rule by sporting such as culottes. There was a pretty nice boy who is studying to be a Masseur, and the less I say about that the better. Just to make sure that we find the best possible fit, I have placed a new ad here.

-xo

Top Cab!

This is, unlike most of our stories, true. The other night I took a taxi home, and I met Willie, a 64 year old driver and owner of his own car, in a pretty new fleet called Top Cab. Willie hails from South Carolina, and still has the friendly trace of that regionalism. He told me about growing up with segregation, when he would not have been allowed to walk several paces behind me. Since I am from Jersey City, we shared the same feeling upon arrival in Boston, “man, where did all these white people come from?!” We talked about how horribly things are going in this country, with all the young people getting sent to their death under false pretenses, and how a nation that had rid itself of slavery and segregation, might recover from these barbaric times. He said that people down south don’t even know how they are voting themselves further into poverty and loss. How he expects to be driving until he drops, with social security drying up, and billions spent on warfare. Willie moved to the South End of Boston when it was a slum, 43 years ago. He is lucky that he can still afford to live in what is now a fancy address, but I think it is because he rents. He said that “men better wake up,, because it’s the women who know what’s going on, and are going to take control.” He also declared it impossible that Condoleeza could be black, though he has relatives who knew her. He called me Angel in his warm breezy drawl. Business is not so great, times being what they are. For those of you who live in Boston, you taxi riding drunks the lot of ya, please call Top Cab. 617.266.4800. They’re good people.

Express Yourself!

The other day on the street, I was trudging along in some slush, cursing humanity and wondering if I have cancer (the usual), when I caught a whiff of what HAD TO BE Designer Imposters. It was that fruity 1988 concoction that would pass for hairspray in the year 2000. And this gave me a great idea. So I had a meeting with our product developer (my roommate who works at home, conducted in our underwear), and he said that Vomitola! Perfume is wholly unmarketable. What is wrong with you people? Brad and Jennifer would!

In other news, making fun of people gets you into trouble. More’s the pity, but it is true! Your ever intrepid lambchop is always willing to tow the exploratory line to find these things out for you, and there you have it. My research has yielded some tips that will be very important in your careers, as you heckle your way through this brief, absurd existence:

1. Never tell someone you don’t like them. It is frowned upon, especially by the recipient.

2. Never insult someone directly, there are many more favors to be procured ’round the back door. It is where the servants are drinking, after all.

3. Never forbid someone to be in your company. It is cruel after all, because you are so wonderful.

4. Always invite annoying people to your parties. Everyone will be quietly amused when they fall down the stairs.

5. Never voice discontent. It causes wrinkles.

6. Allow others to believe you find yourself flawless and you will be spared their triviality.

7. Most importantly, don’t be disturbed when someone dislikes you. Jesus was beloved and look what happened to him.

xo

Quiz! How Deep Is Your Love?

We really need to know…cos we’re living in a world of fools!

1. “Your song” is:

a. Bumpin’ wit Ho’s

b. Solid as a Rock

c. Crimson and Clover

d. Someone Left a Cake Out in the Rain

2. You deal with your relationship problems by:

a. Consuming a foot long grinder, smothered in cheese, grease dripping on my drawz.

b. Talking things over in an air of mutual respect, and security

c. Throwing shoes (5 points for the head, 10 points for the Area)

d. Consulting quizzes

3. How well do you sleep, together?

a. Who can sleep with that bitch blabbering?

b. I can spend hours staring at your sleeping face, and counting every single thing about you that makes me miserable, you smug, self-satisfied pig.

c. We cuddle a little under an enormous duvet.

d. We make a big fuzzy pile with our dogs and cats!

4. Your pet name for your mate is descriptive of:

a. a drug habit

b. personal failings

c. some charming or loving quality

d. their weight

5. The most important promise a lover can make to you is…

a. No bumpin’ wit Ho’s!

b. Stop being yourself. Be different. Be nice.

c. Come and find me after we die.

d. No Beaking!

There are no winners, there are no losers. To finish this test, please, just tell us, How Deep Is Your Love? The best answer wins something. We really need to know!

Greetings from Arcadia, WI!

Life is funny. I started a new job as Sys. Admin here at Initrode, story Inc. when I retrained at DeVoyd Tech, illness after the refridgerator plant down on Ruttle Road closed. After six months of surfing the web, I had the happiness of finding my sister Heidi. You know her as “Heather”. This brassy parlor lady stuff is all an act. I want to tell you a little bit about the sister I grew up with in Lullaby, Wisconsin. She was a bright student, and organized the Penny Drive for Hunger in Ethiopia. She plays a reckless souse, but really she is a good skater who loves snow and carolling. There are six of us kids, Heidi the second oldest, and me the second youngest. You could really get lost in that family, but she took care of me, making sure I had both my mittens and a potato made it to my plate. Did you know that her middle name is “joy”? I hope I can get her to come on home for Easter. Then we will all be together again, except for Michael, who is in jail again for beating his third wife with an empty bottle of Grey Goose, and Jenna “Fritzi”, who was last seen peddling her hoo-ha for dope in Columbus, Ohio.

love

Douglas

Bring on the Dancing Whores, I mean Horses

1985 is shaping up pretty rad so far. I was all sweaty and nauseated for a couple days with the usual booze and pill new year, listening to Psychocandy. Couldn’t eat more than a cherry tomato. But I did manage to pick up a copy of Spex and a couple new albums. Nothing you would have heard of, it’s all German. Except, for Helen I got the new Scritti Politi. She just loves to dance. Holy crap, I am supposed to go meet her at the mall! We might go see Rocky III later. She is probably waiting for me by the fountain already, drinking a tab and ready to ring my neck, or pouring slurpees on the jocks that hang out by the Iroc giveaway.

Golden Girls is on tonight. 1985 Rules.

-xo

I’m OK, you’re OK Update!

In Boston news, it’s COLD. It shouldn’t be surprising, this being, in fact, New England, but every year this is News. Surf’s up, Sri Lanka, in Boston it is COLD! As I tottled to work feeling, well, nothing, I thought it might be about time I learned to drive. Maybe Helen will teach me. Especially as she has not had a use for her beloved riding crop since she sold Mr. Sparkles and Ting-Ting to the dog food factory.

In other NEWS, I am getting my hair done today. It IS the apocalypse, after all. This is the year of Day After Tomorrow, and Locusts! And also, Locusts!

Hrmm, what else is going on in our world? i have lately been enjoying my coffee with a bit of cinnamon in it. And the huge 13 gallon cannister of popcorn in the lunchroom is Nearly Empty! Christmas is over at my building, and I thought this would be a matter of the giant fluffy santa village in the atrium there one day, and gone the next. Not so! It is in stages of dismantling, which means all the cotton is gone, and there are empty “presents” boxes standing around. It gives me a hangover, and I have not even been drinking.

Helen is back from Richmond, and I am sure she will have news of her own, as soon as she is back from her de-worming cure.

Oh, and by the way, Locusts!

-xo

Phuket

The world is a shitty place, so fuck it. We most likely will never see anyone with leprosy and we can buy scratch tickets, so fuck it. Our president is a misunderestimated maniac who thinks a spray of bullets does more to attain peace than famine aid, so fuck it. But you’ll still die poor, so fuck it. Ever since the planet was industrialized, we lost our sense of purpose, so fuck it. We are no longer human, so fuck it. Artists are automatic failures, so fuck it. You can’t move those who are innured to suffering or insulated in their wealth, so fuck it. It is almost impossible to find love in world that is either dominated by misfortune or self-involvement, so fuck it. The poor are animals and the rich are criminals, so fuck it. My hair looks great, so fuck it. This is not a bitter rant, so fuck it. The world is beautiful, so fuck it. Help is never going to arrive, so fuck it.

I am the only one who showed up to work today, so i am going to read the funny paper. FUCK IT.

-xo