Today is cat horrifying day at long last! She’s still stuffed in the corner sulking because the contractor and his team dropped off the wood for our floors so it can “acclimate.” Wait ’til she gets to go stay in Mr. H’s parents’ basement with the rats next week.

The workers helpfully commented in Spanish that I am pregnant, and my breasts are quite large. I have only studied Spanish for ten or twelve years, but I think I heard that right. Still, they were so jovial about it that it didn’t seem to be as awful a sentiment as it sounds. They are merely observers of the world, undocumented Walter Cronkites.

And they are dead wrong. I am not pregnant, I just ate a lot of Cadbury Mini Eggs last week. Those bitches will catch up to ya. And I like to dress like a milkmaid for fun. And I’m going to birth class tonight because I dig seeing cankles.