Yeah, bitches. Today I tied my pregnant lady friend to the car and drove real slow. Apparently jogging makes babies come out. Will this work? We aren’t sure yet. We also fed the baby Mexican food. I hear this gets babies really mad. They want to come out just to kick your ass because they are babies and you gave them Mexican food. What a thing to do. Now, this reminds me of a joke about luring a tapeworm out of a human host with a Nilla Wafer, but I will refrain from telling it. OK, I really just can’t remember it. I can’t remember anything these days. But the punchline is “I want my Nilla Wafer!”

A concerned reader wrote in to ask the internet something.

Dear Ask the Internet,

Why are people such cockfaces all the livelong day?

Signed, I’m Cranky

Dear Cranky

Because people is retarded. People is also wrong, and people is impossible. People is like herding cats.

Yours, the Internet