2013 was a vacuum, sucked into the oblivion of mind numbing cold.  Are we in space?  I see girls bare legged in their crotch skimming skirts against the bone biting winds of 8th Avenue.  It’s a Polar Whoretex!

I have not taken the G train in over a year.  Ridership has plainly doubled.  The neighborhood is POPULAR.  Thanks, Dunham, thanks to your flobby knobs I can suffer hands in my creases for two stops.  A sea of bodies in Manhattan as well.  Do people live in Queens now, too?  As I stepped back to allow a person seated in front of me to stand and exit the train, an appalling human pried her way past me to slither into the seat.  My seat.  Everyone was staring at her, so she hid behind her giant neon-pink telephone.  As I daydreamed about slapping her jaundiced face with my open book, the 90 year old lady seated next to her whispered to me,  “you should have shoved her back.”  Then she said, “don’t get old.  I’m 90, it sucks.”  Goodness, I gasped!  “Goodness had nothing to do with it.” she said. Did I just meet myself on a subway ride from the future? I looked back.  She smiled at me, lipstick unevenly applied.  It WAS me!  I asked me where I was off to.  A bookshop downtown.  I told me I would not mind living in the West Village and she said, “It’s horrible, everything is too old.”  There were so many more things I wanted to ask me.  Can I remember anything for more than a few seconds?  How’s the painting going?  Do I have any dogs?  But I had arrived at my stop.  It was getting a little embarrassing having to speak so loudly on the train, anyway.  I was definitely a little hard of hearing.  I gave me my card and  told me to have a lovely day.  She said “well, it has definitely gotten interesting!”  I agree with myself!

So, to answer your questions, Mary:

1. No, we are never going to feel like a grownup and not a total imposter, but the real you is out there somewhere, cackling and thrusting out a cartoon leg to trip someone horrible.

2. I will lose ten pounds for you, but it will have to wait until tomorrow.  I heard there would be piiiiiiiizza.

3. If people stop publishing screenshots of weather apps on social media, how will I update my spreadsheet on those most deserving of pity?

4. I am a poor, freezingly cold soul, so far from where I intended to go.

EDIT:  I have been getting a lot of emails to congratulate me for my appearance in Louis c.k.’s new little indie film.  Not only do I have a time traveler, I also have a doppelganger.  This latter Heather Morgan is most known for a film called “Bark” in which she stars opposite Vincent D’Onofrio, as a woman who thinks she is a dog.  This is a film I actually rented at a video store in Berlin, took home and watched.  Life abroad is surreal, as you know.  You might discover someone who shares your name, playing a dog.  I *just* vanquished my double in the google search results and now THIS.  Thanks to Louis Cock Krammer I will probably drop down below the country singer and the dominatrix. Again.  Life can be so unfair.