Today Vomitola.com is closing early for birthing. Boil some water! Didn’t I tell you I was secretly 9 months pregnant? No, I’m just retaining fluids. Stop looking at me.

I just got my friend’s call from the hospital, and it went something like “ow! ow! ow! motherfucker!” So off I go to attempt to be soothing. I bet I can calm her down to “ow! ow! cocksucker!” in no time. A little aromatherapy is all it takes. I have even packed the emergency morphine-filled bon-bons.

I really hope the Oompa Loompas have a special song for when they bring out the baby.