I recall that I threatened to tell a story about a crackhead and a toothless alcoholic, so here we go. Put on your damn water wings, and keep your hands inside the log flume. You repulse me. What are you, Renee Zellweger? I digress.

Someone we know had a little on-again, off-again relationship with crack. I can see the appeal: smoke crack or participate in reality? Dur.

But he is on the wagon and doing rather well now, and part of his success is going to NA meetings every night. He went to the first meeting, and was accosted during the smoke break by a toothless girl. She popped up faithfully during the next few evenings, bringing him cups of coffee and generally sticking like glue.

Then this girl told him she is twenty, and that she only goes to meetings to meet men. She doesn’t actually have a substance abuse problem. She’s just exploring her options.

This is a humorous enough story in itself, targeting recovering addicts to find love, but I told it to friends at dinner, and when I got to the toothless part, one dining companion stopped, looked thoughtful, and said “Ohhhh…PURE VELVET.”