I may be lousy at romance, I may not be able to keep a hamster alive, but my pal Clammy sticks by me. It’s because She’s always right, and I am infinitely quotable!! So during that horribly pedestrian performance of The Furtive Masturbator, I stood up, and read this to my best friend:

I wish i had an evil twin/ Running Around doing people in

I wish i had a very bad / And evil twin to do my will

To cull and conquer, cut and kill/ Just like I would if I weren’t good

And if I knew where to begin

Down and down he’d go/ How low no one would know

Sometimes the good life wears thin

I wish i had an evil twin

My evil twin would lie and steal/ And he would stink of sex appeal

All men would writhe /Beneath his scythe

He’d send the pretty ones to me/ And they would think that I was he

I’d hurt them and I’d go scot free/ I’d get no blame and feel no shame

Cause evil’s not my cup of tea

Down and down he’d go/ How low, i would not need to know

All my life there should have been

An evil twin.

Who knew that Stephin Merritt’s work is such a Bonerkiller?

-xo