Tag Archives: kitty winn

What’s a gal to do?

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I have not been involved with anyone for a looong time. Before I saddle up and head out again, I wanted to know what sort of girls are “In” these days? Sluts? Power Vixens who talk about the books they read? Cute-n-Dumb? Or maybe Innocent Virtue is back? Please clue me in so I don’t have to waste any time “having opinions” when I ought to be pretending I don’t want sex so I can have some.

Thanks!

-liza jane

Dear Liza Jane,

I’ll tell you what’s in: eating disorders! Hoo, had you there, didn’t I? Don’t fret, my gauche gamine, we’ll have you up and humping in no time, and nary a drip drop of yesterday’s lunch need cross your lips. You see, the secret to love is to have an alter ego. It’s kind of like becoming a super hero. First you need a name, then a costume, then some press coverage, preferably in the form of a slavish internet fan site. I will even give you some ideas for free: Lurid Crimson, Cyan Chlamydia, Lulabelle the Liberated Librarian. Soon the young dandies will come flocking to you, drawn in by the many pictures of your painted pout! The more wigs you wear in your photo shoot the better. Really, you have nothing to lose. It’s not like you’re that much to look at in person anyway!

knock ’em dead,

Kitty Winn

Fabulous Golden Issue

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I am home sick. The doctor said to drink lots of fluids. But I am getting so tired of my soup recipes. Miso soup, alphabet, broth. ugh! While they are making me feel a little better I think i will vomitola if I look at another hot and sour. Can you recommend a new recipe for me, Miss Kitty Winn?? Please keep in mind I would prefer something vegetarian, and something without miso.

Love,

Sick in So

Dear Sick

My Doctor always recommends the consumption of clear and simple foodstuffs when i am ill- so I opt for things like jell-o and vodka, preferably together, followed by a healthy dose of Manchowder. You will be surprised at how soothing to all parties a good release into your larynx of joy juice can be. It beats a Werthers Original. So take it easy and rest upon your knees. I leave it to you to decide whether accepting a man’s fabulous golden issue is a violation of your vegetarian ethics or not. I suppose it depends on how attractive he is.

get well soon,

Kitty Winn

Ask Kitty Winn!

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Your lives are terrible. You’re lonely, you’re poor, and your hair is doing terrible things. Fret not, Kitty Winn has the answers!

Dear Kitty Winn,

I’ve recently inherited a sum of money. It’s not enough to spend the rest of my days drinking champagne from the navels of painted whores or nothing, but it’s enough for either some short term stupidity or a stab at fiscal responsibility. So I ask you, should I give in to my base urges and blow it all on penny whistles and moon pies, or do I save for a (boring) rainy day? Yes, the economy is uncertain, but the native boys aren’t getting any younger!

Love,

-feckless in rhode island

Dear Feckless,

You are overlooking the obvious. You can do something fun that will also ensure you a lucrative future- Breast Implants! There is nothing like a little unnecessary surgery to provide a girl with frivolous joy. And think of all the fun and career opportunites you will have with a great swinging set of hooters! Yes, fabulous breasts will line your pockets with cash and keep you knee deep in casual sex. Go for the whompin’ ‘taters!

-Kitty Winn