Tag Archives: beauty

What’s a gal to do?

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Dear Kitty Winn,

I have not been involved with anyone for a looong time. Before I saddle up and head out again, I wanted to know what sort of girls are “In” these days? Sluts? Power Vixens who talk about the books they read? Cute-n-Dumb? Or maybe Innocent Virtue is back? Please clue me in so I don’t have to waste any time “having opinions” when I ought to be pretending I don’t want sex so I can have some.

Thanks!

-liza jane

Dear Liza Jane,

I’ll tell you what’s in: eating disorders! Hoo, had you there, didn’t I? Don’t fret, my gauche gamine, we’ll have you up and humping in no time, and nary a drip drop of yesterday’s lunch need cross your lips. You see, the secret to love is to have an alter ego. It’s kind of like becoming a super hero. First you need a name, then a costume, then some press coverage, preferably in the form of a slavish internet fan site. I will even give you some ideas for free: Lurid Crimson, Cyan Chlamydia, Lulabelle the Liberated Librarian. Soon the young dandies will come flocking to you, drawn in by the many pictures of your painted pout! The more wigs you wear in your photo shoot the better. Really, you have nothing to lose. It’s not like you’re that much to look at in person anyway!

knock ’em dead,

Kitty Winn

Ask Kitty Winn!

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Your lives are terrible. You’re lonely, you’re poor, and your hair is doing terrible things. Fret not, Kitty Winn has the answers!

Dear Kitty Winn,

I’ve recently inherited a sum of money. It’s not enough to spend the rest of my days drinking champagne from the navels of painted whores or nothing, but it’s enough for either some short term stupidity or a stab at fiscal responsibility. So I ask you, should I give in to my base urges and blow it all on penny whistles and moon pies, or do I save for a (boring) rainy day? Yes, the economy is uncertain, but the native boys aren’t getting any younger!

Love,

-feckless in rhode island

Dear Feckless,

You are overlooking the obvious. You can do something fun that will also ensure you a lucrative future- Breast Implants! There is nothing like a little unnecessary surgery to provide a girl with frivolous joy. And think of all the fun and career opportunites you will have with a great swinging set of hooters! Yes, fabulous breasts will line your pockets with cash and keep you knee deep in casual sex. Go for the whompin’ ‘taters!

-Kitty Winn

Hot Clams!

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It is indeed tragic the way we can’t gain admittance to the Dead Poet’s Society. But its nice to know that you get shandied and have smoothies brought to you in the tub, proof that sometimes nice boys like us. I am in no mood for fraternizing with boys, nice or not. I refuse to leave the house until the new teeth i ordered arrive. The temporary ones have become loose and have a habit of landing in the stew. Just the other night i was growing impatient in a losing battle with a sandwich, so i plunked them into my champagne glass. A whirlwind of elbow patches as the english majors took to their heels!

To me Sundays are the equivalent of the flaccid zone. I am going to eat some coffee grinds.

24 hours straight of…

oh sorry! byeee

Questions questionable

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Who has the indecency to call a person at 5pm when they are deservedly sleeping?! The Universe cannot answer such questions.

But its all for the best- now i will have time for the extensive body farming required before i can show up to the opening tonight. not mine, but the gallerist is all a twitter when i don’t show up, because i live right next door and am a safe bet to get drunk and make something interesting happen. (interesting=embarrassing). so yes, i should not think of climbing up on the plaster ostrich and singing a little song about french people unless my eyebrows are plucked, and my toenails pared to a comely shape.

-Lambchop