Tag Archives: apostrophes

How hulk driving?

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While the following may have nothing to do with anal sex, consider it painful and unexpected, in the spirit of David Hager.

Mr. H and I went for a walk t’other day, and we ended up close to a Dunkin’ Donuts. Since I can never pass up corn syrup solids, I jabbed him in the ribs until he agreed to buy me a Dunkaccino. He’s the one that carries the wallet on our little walks. I am not to be trusted. But he needed to use the ATM, and while he mis-entered his PIN with his monkey paws, I gawped at a sign that read “Atention Dunkin Donut’s Customer’s. Use ATM before making you’r purchase.” I flailed and sputtered, and he laughed at me.

Then I noticed the sign on the other side of the beverage delivery bay: “Dunkin Donut’s Customer’s thankyou for you’r patience. All our machine’s are working again, including latte’s and gift cards. Thankyou.”

Mr. H said that the sign was funny, but how bent I got was funnier. Fine! It took me many blocks to shut up about it, and that was only because I knew I could talk about it again on the internet. My drink sucked anyway. It was diluted with the tear’s of the infant Jesu’s. At least I hope that’s what that was. You’r a jerk!

i-ve given up–

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Yesterday I received an email from my mother, the woman who taught me to read, the woman who obsessively drilled me on grammar and punctuation, in which she stated “Our’s is better.” I consulted my sister, and she agreed that the internet is making everyone stupid. Well, I wan-t a piece of it.

me: lets popularize the overuse of dashes

me: im done with apostrophes

her: well–if you feel we must

me: totally-dont you think-

her: i used to know some kids who overused elipses….that got old fast….but they seemed to think it was reasonable

me: thats fun too-but dashes are snappier

her: totally–im on-the-go!

me: in five years-if all the internet uses shitty dashes-i will feel so vindicated

her: ha-ha

her: totally–

me: two dashes at the end of the sentence indicates enthusiasm–

her: ok–

me: why are you-re dashe-s bigger than mine —-

her: different font?

me: oh right- i felt insecure

her: someone who works at the local paper–said theyre letting alot of people go right now–not doing so much hiring

her: and that i should try NPR

me: wait-ll they see these dashes-

her: i know–

her: wave of the effing future

me: —–

her: –right–

me: good god—–

her: –in front gives it that mexicano flavor–

me: –ole–

me: it-s fun to type–

me: fun like drinking nyquil–

her: i wish i had some nyquil—right now

Then we dis-cussed how dis-appointed we are in our parents- plan to pave the front yard.

-xxoo

Its the little thing’s

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I am sure 10% of the reading audience just clapped hand to breast and shrieked. The other 90% plodded on, unruffled. Most likely the members of the majority are foreign, or perhaps just American. You hurt mama when you misuse punctuation.

The it’s/its quandary, which really isn’t much of one, is oft-tilled ground. Yawn. When you feel a burning need to write “it’s,” read your sentence aloud using “it is.” Does it make sense? “The bird flapped it is wings.” No, that is unacceptable. In that case, use “its.” “It is time for tea.” OK, go nuts with “it’s,” you have my blessing.

What truly baffles me is the folks who have started stuffing extra apostrophes into plural nouns, as if they need dressing up. Example: “I bought some new skirt’s.” “All the other mother’s want to have lunch.” In the latter case, it is possible that the writer meant “All the other motherfuckers.” I might let that slide.

In any case, here’s a handy cheat sheet for forming plurals. Click on “English Plurals” for pictures of cute animals. Please note that the plural of “dog” is “dogs.” Not “dog’s.” “Two dog’s did not go to the park.” Do not try to tell me otherwise. I will kick you in the shin’s.

In short: I blame….Dick Cheney, you, your parents, my parents, Big Tobacco, television, Big Food, and the fact that every single thing that appears on the intarweb is a first draft. Including thi’s.

NEXT WEEK: Everyday is not like Sunday, but every day is.

-xxoo