Tag Archives: animal farm

Alien Fetus Putty with my Latte

Uncategorized, , ,

Day Three: Texas just goes on and on and on. By the third day of Texas, I was ready to see something besides Texas. It was a zillon degrees in the middle of nowhere, West Texas, when we decided to let the truck run out of gas. The handy thing about having a cell phone is that there are no cells in nowhere, West Texas. We got the truck to roll about 3 miles on empty before we disembarked to head for a nearby gas station on foot. I hadn’t gotten five feet before I saw the carcass of a deer on the side of the road, completely desiccated, its head and cloudy eye tilted searchingly toward the hazy sky, as if to say Help Me God Why? I tried not to think about that or the blistering heat. Shazzam! Within two minutes, we were within sight of the station. And with that, we cheated death. So screw you, deer. Stupid spiritual guide.

After what seemed like a thousand miles of staring at discredited landscape painting while the sun went down, and the silhouettes of oil pumps and their pendulous motion in an otherwise barren land, we finally made it to New Mexico.

Day Four: We woke up in Roswell. It was not as sad and hopeless as I thought it would be. Rather, it has turned this whole alien obsession into a hip and kitschy strip. Silver flying saucers sticking out the sides of buildings, UFO marquees; even the streetlights had alien heads for globes. I had the best cup of coffee in the southwest in a starbucks type cafe. And alien souveniers galore. Knowing how much Lickety loves aliens, fetuses, and especially putty, I was joyful to find the three combined! Hurray for Roswell!

We left around midday and headed for Phoenix. I met up with my dad along the way and we had dinner at this spiffy mexican joint where I picked up margarita glasses as big as my head, in the shape of a sombrero-ed hombre y mujer. My dad showed me around Phoenix a bit and we sat at this beautiful old church sharing a smoke before I had to hit the road. Thanks Dad!

By the time we got to Blythe, California, I was delirious. Wacky mexican polka on the radio pervaded my half sleeping consciousness the whole way.

-xo

Up, up and away

Uncategorized, ,

Why is it so freaking hard to rent an elephant in Boston? I have a wedding to plan. I was really peeved to learn that I could have had my wedding at the Franklin Park Zoo, next to the African Wild Dog Exhibit for a mere $1500. I want a do-over. I’m just sucking it up and renting a Moon Bounce instead. I can’t decide between the Econo Kastle or the Pirate Fun Bounce. Seriously, if anyone out there in reader/stalker land knows where to find an itinerant elephant in New England, lemme know.

Just…ew

Uncategorized, ,

Some of you have asked for more information about the “Beacon Hill Cat Lady,” Heidi Erickson. Local papers have quite a few articles detailing her bizarre streak of litigation and run-ins with past landlords and neighbors. Now she wants to get her frozen dead cats back, in case she needs to clone them. I walked by that apartment building every day for the past nine months or so and never noticed anything. Ironically, an upscale pet boutique, Fi-Dough, is also housed in that building. They are not affiliated with the cat lady in any way, and they leave free dog treats in a basket outside the door for the many people walking pets through the neighborhood. Just makes you wonder how many “makeshift chambers of horror” you walk by every day.

Since we are a two-paper town, I’m going to include both Boston Herald and Globe articles, for funny headline comparisons. See if you can guess which is which!

May 2, Cat-alog of complaints: Woman rips purr-loining of immortal mousers, Cat Breeder Fails to Appear at City Hearing

May 1, Beacon Hill cat lady files suit over police raid of apartment

April 30, Impurrfect tenant: Cat woman creates stink, Cat Breeder, Neighbors Often Clashed

April 29, Inspectors find cat ‘graveyard’ in apartment

This would be a great time to rant about people who feel the need to buy purebred animals, but I haven’t got that got kind of energy, and I’m sure no one cares. I know you all secretly want teacup poodles to fit in your Marc Jacobs tote. Basically if a breeder won’t let you come tour their facilities (which a man in one of the articles reported), that’s a huge red flag. Obviously this woman had some kind of a market for her attempts to build a better mousetrap. Look, I could write for the #$@! Boston Herald.

Trading dungeons

Uncategorized, , ,

Lambchop: oh my, we truly are damned
Lambchop: we are headed straight for a fiery pit

Licketysplit: yipes: http://www.boston.com/dailynews/118/region/City_finds_dozens_of_dead_cats:.shtml

Licketysplit: a posh fiery pit at least

Lambchop: to be assaulted by satan’s little wizards who offer us champagne that is a little “flat”

Lambchop: ACK!

Licketysplit: if you were going to rent an apartment for nefarious purposes, why not pick a more reasonably priced neighborhood??

Lambchop: is there a market for dead cats?

Licketysplit: perhaps!

Lambchop: some great boon in dead cat futures we were not aware of?

Licketysplit: the tv news last night said they suspected this was experimentation to breed a better show persian

Lambchop: YIKES!

Lambchop: I thought healthy, live animals generally entered those things

Lambchop: but its nice that they give an equal shot to those stinking and decaying

Licketysplit: at least *I* still have a chance!

Lambchop: after all, when I am a gaseous soup in my coffin, I would hate to think I can no longer be on TV!

Lambchop: you and I simply MUST have a talk show from the grave!

Licketysplit: ho ho, i will make sure your urn is polished to a fare-thee-well

Lambchop: awww, after you lovingly pile my dusty remnants in there- no pyre necessary!

Licketysplit: “my career was going so well, until my stinking hellhole of a cat tomb was discovered!”

Lambchop: her Makeshift Chamber of Horrors!

Licketysplit: “It’ll do in a pinch!”

Lambchop: i am sure she is rueing the corners she cut in the design of her chamber of horrors!

Lambchop: do you suppose they assist you in such matters at the Home Depot?

Licketysplit: “I am looking to construct a chamber of horrors, but not a shoddy one.”

Lambchop: “I need real know-how about the proper installation of duct tape, heavy plastic sheeting, burlap and sturdy rope.”

Licketysplit: “where are your higher quality trap door mechanisms?”

Lambchop: “how do i insure these meathooks will not rust or flake?”

Licketysplit: “i am looking for drainage!”

Lambchop: “i require adequate storage and composting!”

Licketysplit: “ventilation is a must, but i am concerned about sound”

Lambchop: “how can I construct a crawlspace that will really stand up to the test of time?”

Lambchop: hee, i was imagining us having a real DIY guy on our show, telling us in his dry workaday way how to build this stuff

Lambchop: that guy from this old house would do anything for a few shekels!

Lambchop: we would be handling weatherproofing and sealants and nodding sagely!

Lambchop: interrupting at just the right moments with penetrating questions like “how will this affect the health of my family? For example, a mother living in the attic”

Moo to Youuuu!

Uncategorized,

I have finally returned from the wilds of western Germany. I journeyed through the Harz mountains and medieval villages, site castle ruins and decaying factories on the Elbe. I toured the countryside of the Westerwald, and ate too much cake. I visited Dessau, the playground of Walter Gropius and Mies van der Rohe. Bauhaus-o-rama! Like any traveller, I must sit here with my sunburn and gin and tonic, boring you all with some pictures of my vacation.

xo