Tag Archives: ack

Witty and relevant

I got two hours of sleep last night! Hi! Someone is installing multiple tooth-boulders at once. Someone’s tract does not agree. Kick and bite and scratch and pinch. Scream all you want, we’ll make more. Someone is a monster, an alien dropped from the planet Kill You. Tonight I will break out that bottle of laudanum. For me.

And that’s how it goes around here. Torment interspersed with rapid innovation. We climb. We eat raisin bread. We still love dogs. I got a noise cancelling Bluetooth headset, and unfortunately I can still hear the person on the other end of the phone. Hello, hello, we have FEEDBACK. Let’s REACH OUT. And TOUCH BASE.

I have no real problems, but let’s try complaining anyway. This being a blog. I am parked in the parking spot. I eat lunch. A percolating case of PTSD, sure, we’ve got that. I got into an e-fight about whether or not c-sections are traumatic. No, surgery while wide awake when you really don’t want it is AWESOME. That is my FEEDBACK. AWESOME. Let’s DO IT AGAIN. Or not. Let’s just try to stop having nightmares about it. Let’s stop sitting down in the shower and wanting to cry. Not that we get to take many showers these days, what with the ceaseless innovation and refusal to sit in the damn bouncy chair. No. We have to go spelunking in the toilet. On belay.

Three thumbs up to this natural disaster

I just phoned Zagat’s and yelled “Fifteen stars!” because I am so impressed with this flood. We are now back home, after only two days of vacation in scenic Chelmsford. We stayed right next to the Hong & Kong, and I had a mai tai with a plastic sword in it. If that’s not nice, then I don’t know what is.

My highly sensitive spirited high needs sprog has learned to throw her arms in the air like the Village People. I have to fight, er, caucus and build consensus, with someone about the depiction of grapes on a plate. For real.

My Indian burial ground brings all the dead rats to the yard

That’s right, it’s wetter than yours.

Confidential to the leathery chainsmoker leaning on the bridge railing by my house snickering “Didn’t those people LEARN?”

1. That tracheotomy is going to be very becoming on you in a few more years
2. Would YOU like to buy my Indian burial ground? Because no one else wanted it. Believe me, we tried to dump this thing.

If you need me, I’ll be lying under the bed in hotel. Mama remembered to pack the tranquilizers. I am getting good at this fleeing in the night business. I missed my calling as part of a Biblical tribe.

A day and another day and the day before

I have about six drafts saved in here. Maybe you would have preferred to read “Take the Krugerrand and run.” But you won’t read that one. The subject was the best part anyway.

I am up to no good. Others were up to no good first, but I can’t change the situation, only how I Lord grant me the serenity, Britney. You can’t go home again, Britney. Especially when home is infested with menacing dust particles. Ask the dust. Ask away. The dust will tell you all about the Federal Reserve.

Today I had a green soda. I never have soda. But it looked so convincing in the case. It purported to be lime soda on the English label, but it was something else entirely. Battle kitty had a single black bean and part of a napkin. It was nice to walk in the sun.

Let’s draw the line at genocide

Saw that on the news last night in a story about Fidelity’s dealings with oil companies meddling in the Sudan. Fidelity says they have a legal responsibility to provide the highest returns to consumers, therefore they won’t rethink their choices. The reporter asked “So Fidelity is not willing to draw the line at genocide?” What a novel policy. A little mutiliation and oppression would be fine, Fidelity, as business is business, but draw that line!

Yesterday a ybab played a fun game called “Let’s cry all day.” Yes, let’s. Of course she settled right down as soon as her father came home, and her fever and general malaise finished by the time the doctor charged us $30 to say “Fluid in the ears, no infection. Teething.” Which I knew, but wouldn’t I be a jerk if I were wrong? On the way back, we saw dogs, so I guess that wasn’t a total waste of a leaving of the house.

I’ve been meaning to write about NBC’s segment on cocktail playdates last week. A blogger  got totally sandbagged by a stern robot of an expert, who asserted that women must never, ever drink in the presence of a child, and anyone who has even one drink has Issues and needs to learn a Healthy Way of Coping. I couldn’t write about this at the time I watched the segment, because it was 8 AM, and I was already drunk, and so were all my friends. Don’t you put Kahlua and whiskey in your coffee*? Now, we have been known to have a glass of wine with dinner because we don’t like coping. We do like wine, though. But, to the blogger’s point, there is a man around to keep me in line. Unforunately, that man is Mr. H, who has never actually managed to do this.

Meredith Viera had her “disapproving mother hen” face on throughout the segment. Perhaps she should go back to The View, where she and Barbara Walters and Rosie O’Donnell and that pretty-but-dumb little one can talk about being disgusted by breastfeeding instead. Rosie O’Donnell apparently didn’t let her partner breastfeed their baby past six weeks because she didn’t want to miss out on bonding too. Well, I have news for you: a ybab prefers the perfectly teat-less Mr. H at least 90% of the time. As a society, we’re OK with genocide, as long as it’s profitable, but titties, man, titties. Those are really scary. Especially when attached to drunk women. They are like twin frozen margarita machines, right there on the chest, where people can see them!

*This reminds me of one particularly awful job I had. My office wife and I would go hit Bruegger’s every morning for coffee and a bagel, and then we would nip into the liquor store next door for, well, nips to add to the coffee. And thus renewed, we would go back to our sublet lair in an unheated church basement, clap our leg irons back on, and enable the purchase of cut-rate vacation packages. You know, make the internet happen. But we drew the line at genocide!

No sleep til Brooklyn

It’s amazing how somone under 7 pounds can make two adults with a combined 61 years of life experience feel totally incompetent at times. Mr. H does not know how a kimono works, but the baby forgave him after a withering stare. Or maybe she got distracted by her own hand. We can’t be sure.

On the plus side: “I have a baby” is the world’s best excuse. I got a lame-tastic bridal shower invite today that included the wording “Red Sox attire strongly suggested!” Oh, darn, the baby. Someone wanted me to take a small freelance job. Oh, the baby. I’m going to try that next year at tax time. I can’t pay, I have a baby. I’m going to use this line until she’s at least eight.

You want to know about the billboard

There are two churchs down the road that out-sloganeer each other each week. The one closest to the house says something like “Let your inner good show on the outside.” Of course I think of how the entrails of some of the Habsburg emperors were buried outside of their bodies. Or good old Saint Erasmus.

But mainly I think of how butt ugly the parasite is making me. In theory, I have the goodness of innocent infant blood inside (a prized beauty treatment for stars like Dick Cheney and Nicolette Sheridan), but the outside? Not so good. Little Davidette is giving mommy a lackluster mane and tail. Combine this with a minor illness, and I look like a zombie. A zombie with pants that can’t stay up properly because the zombie is not big enough for fat pants, but too small for her regular pants. I lurched into the car fixing place this morning and rattled “Change oil! Brains!” Then I just huddled on the floor by the counter, hissing at people until someone had to put on gloves and drag me to the customer lounge.

While in the lounge, I ate someone for starting a cell phone conversation about how annoying it was to wait in a waiting room. Survival of the fittest. This someone was even uglier than me, if that’s possible.

Yesterday in a-w-k-w-a-r-d

Mr. H made the fatal mistake of allowing a checkout clerk into our lives. The insolent whelp commented eagerly on our selection of a pre-made pot pie, and Mr. H allowed that it did, in fact, look good. This led to a tiresome diatribe on the type of pot pie made by the clerk’s mother, and her gravy recipe to boot. His mother’s gravy is quite creamy.

Mmm-hmm, said Mr. H. I cringed as the worm cast an eye towards our pasta sauce. “Wow, only $3.49. Is this any good?”

While waiting for the card approval, the clerk stretched theatrically and asked “Does anyone want to walk on my back to get this knot out?” I decided this would be a great time to make sure the floor was properly tiled.

“You know, I used to have a friend who had his girlfriend walk on his back wearing six-inch pumps,” he persisted.

“Wow, usually you have to pay for that,” I said. The clerk stood there agog, as if I were suddenly the offensive one. Mr. H started snuffling, and we grabbed our bags and ran for it.

Domestic Blitz

I am going to take a moment out of my busy Betty Lunchbucket schedule to tell you how much I hate TV birth shows. Not to mention average Amerikan expectations of birth in general. That should be enough to ensure that most of you stop reading right there. Meow meow meow meow….pushing the limits of Vomitola. First mormon slander, now afterbirth!

As I was busily folding laundry, I flipped to TLC hoping to find someone with bad hair to mock. Instead, a hapless woman was wincing and grunting flat on her back in a hospital bed, pumped up with labor-causing drugs. The doctor came in, inserted an entire arm, and tut-tutted because the woman’s failsafe valve hadn’t managed to open up any further since the last time she was checked, a whole hour before. They’d been at this entire process for about eight hours, since they started the labor induction that morning. So off she went for a c-section! I guess if your child doesn’t fly out of you like a hot buttered football in the first hour, you are just shit out of luck. There was no apparent distress for the baby; it seemed like the doctor just wanted to get the show on the road.

I find my latent hippy dippy side coming out like nobody’s business as I contemplate the terrifying abyss of future parenthood. I’m still not totally sure what I want to do, or when, but I am pretty sure I don’t want “it” as seen on TV. Until recently I always thought I’d want to be drugged out of my gourd if I had the misfortune to whelp anything. That philosophy (of staying drugged out of my gourd) has served me well up until now, so why mess with it? But I remember seeing my mother have my sister, so I know a natural childbirth is possible, with no screaming or flailing even. Of course I flip hurriedly past those photos in the ol’ family album. The first time Mr. H met the parents, we both stared at the first page, puzzled, until I realized what we were observing.

Basically I just don’t like being told what to do. Damn it.

-xxoo