I made a “to do” list the other day, titled “Things hanging over my head.” It started out innocently enough.

1. Roll over errant retirement accounts from two jobs ago, which involves contacting people in jail

2. Finish wedding thank you notes, now that “the gift too heavy to mail” has arrived

3. Purchase more attractive filing cabinet, file random pieces of paper

4. More fucking laundry

It devolved from there.

5. Figure out life’s “special purpose”

6. Purchase first home in a state where a shitty ranch is still 450k

7. Get own TV show

8. Reproduce, or not

9. Vomitola book deal

10. Get job, any crappy job

11. Stop occasional weeping fits, they tax delicate undereye skin

12. Give up on all of the above and purchase Baskin Robbins franchise

13. Figure out what to make for dinner

These are in no particular order, but you get the idea. Most logically, we would get the book deal before the TV show. I’m just saying. You know where to find us.

-xxoo