Failure to thrive

Where oh where to begin? Thanksgiving with Mr. H's family was bar-none the most stressful event in recent memory. You know that trendy book The Corrections? Just like that. Twenty-one people, ranging in age from four to seventy-eight, crammed into one incredibly overheated room. On an island.

There are many other interesting doings, including a surprise illegitimate child being hidden away in another state. The other illegitimate child we already knew about. He's still cooking, and from the looks of things, being liberally basted with scotch. Not unlike what I was planning on doing to a pork roast later today. Yes, people said something right to mommy. Yes, it was ignored. Lurleen cited What to Expect When You're Expecting, saying they endorse having one drink a day. I checked yesterday, they do mention that some women choose to have a glass of wine per day, but say "this is not a wise course of action to take." How do you stop crazy from doing whatever crazy wants? If anyone figures that out, please let me know.

There's so much more. So much. Lurleen was put off when her bun did not get his name in the cup for the Christmas gift drawing. Considering he's got to roast another 5 months, I think he'll forgive this oversight. Then competition began between the two grandmothers of the illegitimate children. "Your pictures are AFTER UTERO, Lurleen's are better because they are IN UTERO."

Now, if I get sprogged up, no ultrasound pictures will be shown to anyone. The wee nubbins always look like seamonkeys, and the shots are totally incomprehensible to anyone besides the proud parents. And as Mr. H said, "You NEVER put a beta release in front of consumers!" That's right, if anyone asks, we'll just tell them they have to wait for the Gold Master. That's a hilarious nerd joke, if you were wondering.

That was Thanksgiving in a nutshell. A lot of deep breathing, counting to one hundred, drinking, and stepping out into the bracing cold, usually to find another family member out there, cradling his or her head in hand. For Christmas, I hope to be on a plane to a place with umbrella drinks and cabana boys. Or I will beat someone to death with a bottle of rum.

-xxoo

Posted 2:49 PM by Licketysplit